Three in a Bed... Or how *not* to co-sleep

Three - four - or more in a bed :)

I have a terrible, burning confession to make.

I hate co-sleeping. 

And I love it too.

In about equal measure. In fact, I'd go as far as to say that I'm pretty much split right down the middle on the subject: one minute I'm all for it and loving every second, the next I'm near to throwing the extra bodies out of the bed - MY bed (I roar in my mummy lion voice) - in order to find a bit of space to squeeze my body into and get-some-frigging-sleep.

The Realities

Today I am grumpy. Why? Because girl Earthly slept badly and ended up - as is so often the case - lying on top of me for most of the night. Not beside me, or snuggled into me, but sprawled across my chest, head banging from side to side as she tried to find a soft spot for a pillow. It has always been like this, with both offspring - they simply refused as babies to be anywhere except lying on top of me. And it's my least favourite sleeping position, particularly when there's a heavy toddler squashing me for most of the night and I wake up unable to move my spine in the morning.

I absolutely adore snuggles with my babes in the bed. But they are not the easiest of bedfellows, to say the least. I suspect, in fact, they are close to being the most uncomfortable of all bedfellows. Frequently I am found clinging to the edge of the bed in a desperate bid to stop myself falling out. Even more frequent are the repeated kicks, punches, headbutts, general smotherings and clamberings... and then the insistence that I cuddle them at the same time, whilst all this is going on.

It's no wonder I give up sometimes and either insist they go back to their own bed (which by the way, is only a few feet away from ours) or give up completely and go and sleep on the sofa or in one of their beds!

But I feel terrible for feeling this way. I really love bringing them into our bed when they need the comfort, for why not? If I want comforted in the middle of the night, I have hubby. How often we forget - those of us who sleep with partners - that we have this luxury whilst our children don't! If I have a bad dream, or can't settle my mind, hubby is often (not always - he has the wonderful ability to sleep like an elephant) there to hold me and whisper words of comfort whilst I fall asleep.

So there we have it. What are your cosleeping secrets? Are you a perfect cosleeper who loves every single second of your time with them, do you have a particularly neat sleeper, do you detest even the idea of cosleeping, or are you ambivalent?

Happy Sleeping, whatever you do :)

Keeping Your BLWer Happy and Healthy (And Yourself Sane)

Nobody said BLW wouldn't be messy, but it is fun!

One of the choices we made about bringing up our babies was to go down the route of baby led weaning. After doing our research, it just seemed like the most natural progression. We were really lucky in that the transition was smooth and fairly effortless, with no hitches or "emergency" style moments.


Both our kids loved the change to solid foods and they got to try a wide variety of foodstuffs - we were always amazed just how much they could manage to chew on with those hard little gums! Having said all of this, we did learn a few things along the way which might help others intending to do BLW with their own babies.

1. Try not to give your baby bread. We didn't learn about this until just before no. 2 popped out, but we had long suspected that boy Earthly was having problems digesting wheat and/or gluten. It is also addictive! Much like adults, we found our babies would far rather have bread/toast than any of the healthier options on their plate. 

2. If your babies are impatient, make life easier for yourself and get into the habit of preparing snacks or meals for them while they're asleep. I know it's easier said than done, but the number of times we've ended up shoving something in front of them that was less than perfect just to get a bit of peace for 5 mins whilst we tried to get something decent together, are too numerous to mention! If you also have some easy, healthy snacks in such as dried fruit that they can chew/suck on whilst they wait (rather than gulp down!), that will save your sanity somewhat. 

3. I know other BLWers who have also given purees alongside solids simply to keep up the nutrient levels, and I must say this is something I worried about a bit with BLW, because after the initial excitement of trying lots of new things, both our babies went through a really fussy stage where they refused lots of veg and would only eat very select fruit. We didn't go down the route of purees, but instead made pasta sauces, smoothies, yoghurts, home-made spreads, pestos and bean patés etc - all of which they LOVED. 

4. When they get to the toddler stage, start making their meals more fun! We agonised for ages with our 18 month old because he'd become so fussy and would pretty much only eat brown or beige food! Then one day we went out for lunch where he had a mezze platter (baby sized!) to himself. He adored it, because he had lots of little pots and trays of things to play with, bits that he could dip and dunk and mix altogether. It really is important at this stage that they are allowed to have fun when eating as this promotes a positive association with food. If they don't eat much of what's there, that really doesn't matter - as long as they're not still screaming for food afterwards of course! 

5. If your babies are anything like ours, there will come a time when their confidence with eating solids lets them get ahead of themselves, and they will start swallowing larger lumps rather than bothering to chew them properly. The worst culprits (we found) are things like grapes and sultanas - they slide down pretty easily in chunks, and the flesh is also harder to 'chew' with little gums. However, we also found boy Earthly was notorious for eating oats in the same way - and undigested oats are not nice in a nappy! It is just a stage that should pass, though you are likely to get a few sore tummies for a while. You could omit the most culpable foods, or simply chop or mince them up first.

Our kids absolutely thrived on BLW and of course it had enormous benefits for us as well - it meant we could all eat together without one of us having to stand and feed the baby whilst our own food went cold - unless of course they were getting something ultra messy (we had some boundaries!!).

All Hail Thee: I'm Not Worthy

Compassion

Do you ever feel like you're not good enough to be a "natural/conscious/aware/alternative parent"? I do. God damn, I mostly feel like I'm not a good enough parent full stop, never mind trying to stick to my ideals like glue and failing miserably.

Let me give you an example. Recently we've finally succumbed to (gentle) night-weaning, at 10 months. It's not what we wanted, at all, at all. But after approximately 6 months of ever-increasing psychosis through lack of sleep, it was quite obviously the right thing to do. There are many, many, who tell me (or would tell me) that we shouldn't have waited so long, that our health is paramount because without that we cannot care for our child's health and wellbeing.

And I agree, and most of the world would agree. So why are there so many of the same people who make us feel like utter failures - including ourselves - at not meeting some kind of exacting standard set upon us unknowingly? Almost every day I read posts or comments from (mostly) mothers who appear to feel that their way is best, that you cannot call yourself a parent - let alone any kind of "natural" parent if you do not comply with rules A-Z without complaint.

Secretly, though, I know what the issue is here. And it makes me very sad. Parenting is hard - we all agree with that I think. And so we celebrate every little success, as parents and carers. Every. Single. Tiny. Success. Which is fabulous of course, and just the way it should be. The danger comes when we over-celebrate and our joy begins to spill over into The Smug Zone. Oh I am worthier than thou for I have done what you cannot manage. I've been there myself. The smugness and self-satisfaction at continuing to breastfeed long after the other 90% (or whatever) of mothers have given up. Feeling silently victorious at having lost all the baby weight (and more) after just 6 months, both times. The complacency with which we watched our babies self-wean onto solids, with no quibbles whatsoever. I could go on, and on.

But with every crow of victory we hurt another, less fortunate parent. Childrearing is not a competition, it's a life-choice. And as such, we have to roll with the punches and make hay when the sun shines, BUT we must also remember that it "takes a village" to raise a child. That means offering compassion and genuine support. It simply isn't good grace to be doling out advice whilst at the same time believing you are superior because your child has been breastfed for 4 years and the mum you're offering support to is struggling moving beyond 4 months (for example). We ALL struggle with aspects of parenting. Some of us may well put in more "effort" or have more "staying power" but that is neither here nor there. We all have our limits, and at the end of the day, we are all very different. So what works for me will very likely not work at all for you - and no, it's not because you're doing it wrong.

So please people, learn some compassion. Learn to work as a village. Learn to show our children the true meaning of community - compassion, not competition.

The Rules of Creativity: Learning to Create with the "Non-Creative"

Welcome to the August Carnival of Natural Parenting: Creating With Kids
This post was written for inclusion in the monthly Carnival of Natural Parenting hosted by Hobo Mama and Code Name: Mama. This month our participants have shared how they make messes and masterpieces with children. Please read to the end to find a list of links to the other carnival participants.

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Creativity

"Creativity is intelligence having fun." 

Albert Einstein 

As a haphazard kind of creative type myself, one of the things I looked forward to immensely as a new mum was the inevitable moments of messy play and crafty fun that I was sure would be a daily occurrence. Unfortunately boy Earthly had other ideas. I've written elsewhere about some of his personality traits, particularly as a baby, but suffice to say he was (and remains) a highly sensitive soul who likes things to be just so.


Whenever I tried to engage him in some painting or other crafty activity, he got just a teensy bit upset. And naturally, after a few such incidents, I got just a little upset too. I struggled so much to connect with this little person who simply wanted to sit and organise his crayons rather than attempt some wild scribbles; to sieve earth repeatedly through his fingers rather than digging pits and burying seeds; to refuse point-blank to put his hands anywhere near a tray of paint. Who was this little person and where did he come from?!


When he was a few months old, we were overjoyed to find that he really enjoyed one activity in particular: baking. I guess it appeals to his sense of order and method (despite us being completely haphazard in the kitchen as elsewhere, never measuring anything!) along with his great love of food of course. So we have managed a few baking sessions together, which is generally really good fun, right up until the point when the items need to go into the oven. He's learned recently that things need to "cook" but before now he seemed to think we were just denying him a lovely treat by putting it away!


Such is his love of baking (and eating) that when I tried to get both kids involved in a footprint plaque for Father's Day, boy Earthly screamed the place down when I attempted to get him to make his mark. And when I went to press his sister's foot into the clay, it elicited the same reaction. Having seen me rolling out this brown, dough-like stuff, he seemed to think we were making cookies or something and naturally got quite upset about the abuse of said cookie dough!


Kids are such great teachers. They teach us (if we allow them) to remain open minded. Before boy Earthly came along I rather scorned those who couldn't live with abandon and just have a stab at something, even if they'd never tried it before. I laughed at my mum for measuring pasta, and failed to understand people who followed recipes. But with my little boy's apparent orderliness I have had to swallow my judgment and learn anew about different approaches to creativity.


I know many, many people who believe they are "not the creative sort" because they do not naturally fall into that subset of personalities who are comfortable playing with possibilities. But the last thing I want is for my little boy to believe himself limited - or for anyone else to believe it either. Here's the thing, people. ANYone can be creative (seen Ratatouille?!). It's just a matter of different approaches. While some people may have an innate ability to absorb the 'rules' in order to bend them, others have to really work at it and explore, examine and extrapolate. The role as educator (and therefore my role as a mum) is to allow the freedom in which to do this. For creativity, in essence, is play. And play cannot be forced!


So whilst I watch my son methodically passing water between his measuring cups in the bath (over and over and over and over), I must remember this: in his explorations (however mundane they may seem to me) he is still learning. And quite often the things he finds out are in fact, quite new to us as adults. Like figuring out how to open child safety caps (before he learned that caps usually just unscrew). So given that freedom, and a little exposure to different possibilities, I hope that he will find his creative self and be both comfortable and confident with it. It's a good lesson for all of us - particularly those of you who feel they "aren't the creative type" - to let go, have a go and HAVE FUN!

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Visit Hobo Mama and Code Name: Mama to find out how you can participate in the next Carnival of Natural Parenting!
Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:

• Family Draw Time Art Show — Kate Wicker shares art (and inspiration!) from her family's cherished tradition of family draw time.
• The Rules of Creativity: Learning to Create with the "Non-Creative" — Zoe at Give an Earthly shares how she learned to accept her "non-creative" child and claims that anyone, child or adult, can be creative given the right handling and environment.
• Creating With Kids: 4 Ways That Work For Us — See how Kristin at Intrepid Murmurings nurtures creativity with her kids through craft projects, outdoor creative play, celebrating the creative process, and setting up "little spaces of beauty."
• Creating memories, not things — Mrs. Green from Little Green Blog reflects on life with a ten year old and how 'creating together' has evolved from 'things' to memories.
• The Gift of Creation — It may be hot, but Kellie at Our Mindful Life is already thinking about winter.
• Hidden Talents — Sylvia at MaMammalia describes how providing the opportunity for creativity sometimes means learning to look for hidden talents in unusual places.
• Creating Joy — CatholicMommy at Working to be Worthy shares how she and her one year-old son create joy for their community.
• How to do Crafts with Kids — Gaby from Tmuffin guest posts at Natural Parents Network and describes how to keep things simple when doing crafts with kids for magical (easy-to-clean, and tantrum-free) results.
• Sugar & Spice & Baking on the Kitchen Floor — Carrie at Love Notes Mama enjoys making a mess in the kitchen with her daughter.
• Young Scientist Makes Purple Potion — Hannah at Wild Parenting loves being a lab assistant for the young scientist in her life.
• Making a butterfly house — Lauren at Hobo Mama demonstrates the proper way to build a wooden butterfly house with a preschooler.
• Nurturing Creativity — Amyables at Toddler In Tow shares the enjoyment she feels in nurturing the creativity of her children.
• Home School Music - Sparking A New Generation Of Musicians — Based on her musical background, Chante at My Natural Motherhood Journey talks about how she creates with and teaches music to her children.
• Creating (im)perfectly Together — Mudpiemama shares some of the highlights of a summer spent building everything from ships to hoops but most of a lesson on letting go of perfection.
• Family Soccer Kick Around — When her children wanted to play soccer, Mandy at Living Peacefully with Children helped organize something that would work for her family.
• Creating Memories Together on Skype — Deb Chitwood at Living Montessori Now tells how you can create memories online with adult children or anyone who lives in another city or country.

• We'll always have Halloween: Creating costumes for kids — Jessica Claire at Crunchy-Chewy Mama is not the craftiest mom on the block, but she does make a mean homemade Halloween costume.
• Let's Make Juice! — Wendylori at High Needs Attachment shares about the benefits of juicing with kids, as well as a quick recipe.
• Everything's Better When It's Homemade — Amanda at Let's Take the Metro praises the art of homemade goods.
• Creating the Opportunity for Art — Jenn at Monkey Butt Junction shares how her family has created an environment conducive to art.
• 10 Easy and Functional Crafts Preschoolers Can Do with Minimal Assistance — Dionna at Code Name: Mama offers ten easy crafts preschoolers can do while sitting near parents — but they don't need a lot of parental help. Added bonus: all of these ten ideas double as something functional (gifts, decor, educational).
• Creating with Kids: Singing Together — Ana at Pandamoly details the important role music takes in her household and provides a quick (and easy!) tutorial for creating fun songs to sing together!
• Create This — jessica at instead of institutions considers different aspects of creativity including those without an end product.
• Make Your Own Pocket Bib — A tutorial from Amy at Anktangle on how to make two simple and quick bibs to keep your little one clean at the table.
• Creating Together in the Kitchen — Despite not feeling "crafty," Momma Jorje finds a way to create and connect with her toddler.
• An Artist-Mama's Perspective — In this post, Shannon at The Artful Mama discusses the differences between her choice of artistic outlet and her son's, and how they embrace those differences together.
• Heart of the Home — Jona at Life, Intertwined shares some highlights of cooking with kids.
• Getting creative with kids — Isil at Smiling like Sunshine shares how much she enjoys watching her daughter getting creative.
• Creating with Children - The Nature/Seasonal Table — Jennifer at Hybrid Rasta Mama celebrates the rhythm of the natural world with her toddler through the creation of a seasonal nature table.
• How Involving My Kid Saves My Sanity — The Happy Hippie Homemaker explains how involving her toddler in projects allows her to get more done, while providing valuable opportunities to teach and to bond (added bonus: amazing oatmeal raisin cookie recipe!).
• In the Kitchen with Kids — Cooking with Real and Pretend Food — Terri from Child of the Nature Isle engages her kids in the kitchen with culinary creations of both real and pretend food.

Top 5 Places I've Breastfed

We've all done it - when you have a breastfed baby you often just have to "whip them out" regardless of time or place or propriety. Well, in no particular order, here are my top 5 :)

1. On a freezing cold market stall in November, with the trader behind me giving me pretty funny looks. Afterwards another (also male) trader "congratulated" me and told me not to take any notice of the guy with his eyes on stalks.

2. At the top of a hill in the snow, on a break from sledging, and standing up as it was too cold/wet to sit down anywhere!

3. Ahem, during. Well she needed fed! Interesting experience ;)

4. At a wedding reception with a table full of strangers (including one gawky teen) and in a dress that required me baring the whole of one side of my chest (underneath a wrap of course!).

5. During a 1-day pasta making course, whilst my class mates learned the art of creating funky and fabulous shapes withe the pasta dough. So I still can't make interesting pasta ...!

And you? Go on, I've shared!

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I’m celebrating World Breastfeeding Week with Natural Parents Network!
You can, too — link up your breastfeeding posts from August 1-7 in the linky below, and enjoy reading, commenting on, and sharing the posts collected here and on Natural Parents Network.

(Visit NPN for the code to place on your blog.)

Gentle Sleep Solutions: It Takes Two Baby

Friday evening, 7.30pm and I have an aloe vera face mask on and my toenails painted. Girl Earthly is asleep in bed. Should I hold my breath? We shall just have to wait and see!


So what was the Last Great Gentle Sleep Solution? It was in fact Father Earthly's idea. I blame the fact I'm so sleep addled and wretched I couldn't think my way out of a chocolate factory at the moment (would I want to? I don't know...). That's not to say he isn't sleep addled too, but at least he doesn't have to get up and breastfeed in the middle of the night. Are you ready? Have you tried everything else and can think of nothing left in your gentle armoury? Are you pretty much ready to throw baby out of the window in an attempt just to get some god-danged sleep?


Well, try one last thing please. I think it may just have worked for us, and I'll certainly keep you posted. If you're a two-parent family, what does the other half do while you put baby to bed? Make dinner? Watch TV? For us, it has been a case of Dad puts boy Earthly to bed and I try and put Girl Earthly to bed. Until the last few months, this has worked. If you read my last post, you'll know it hasn't worked for some time now! What if... what if both of you try? Not individually in shifts, but at the same time...?


It suddenly makes so much sense to me now. Baby is at that stage where she is beginning to realise Dad is an important figure in her life too, though she's still very attached to Mummy of course. So while she really wants Mummy, she's not keen on Dad disappearing either. Think about it: her life revolves around us and when one of us disappears she naturally frets. When will she see us again? Are we gone forever? How can she sleep if she's fretting about that possibility?


Tonight there was no screaming or crying (from anyone). We just both lay down with her and soothed her together. At one point Father Earthly had to go and check on boy Earthly, and immediately girlie started to wriggle and squirm and become very unsettled. When he returned, she calmed down again and within minutes she was asleep on Father Earthly's chest, sound in the knowledge that I was also nearby.


So there you have it. It might seem OTT, but when it reduces the household fractiousness and bedtime ritual to something so much saner again, I am ALL for it.


Has anyone else tried this? If you're having sleep issues, I urge you to give it a go. What more nurturing, holistic, family-oriented and peaceful way could there be?

How to be a Super Woman: Meet MJ from Wander Wonder Discover...

1. Tell us about yourself
Hello!! I'm MJ :). I'm a momma, a wife, an introvert with a love for learning. I'm a wanna be writer working hard to find some sensibility in the variability that life throws our way. I stay home and unschool my 2 dark-haired, dark-eyed sun babies (8 and 6), who are the greatest teachers that I have ever known. The man I married I've known since I was 16. I knew then there was something very special about him. Yet, I never predicted we would be here, 24 years later, happy and turning grey together. I am the luckiest woman I know. 


We live an active, unschooled life in central Florida with our 2 rats Remy and Spud. None of us started out as unschoolers, and that is a large part of our life unfolding and unfurling. The floodgates opened as we turned our backs on traditional and mainstream thinking. Everything changed, how we parented, how we perceived our children, how we perceived ourselves, our reconciliation and understanding of how we were raised, and our understanding of learning and how our children learned. I cannot even begin to tell you how profoundly our lives have changed for the better. Profoundly. We have only just begun to reap the benefits of the life we have decided to lead and that is what I love to share on my blog. So with peaceful parenting in one pocket, and unschooling or life learning in the other, we have set out to give our children a life filled with unlimited opportunity.  


2. Do you have a grand plan?
Grand plans have changed many times over the years. But our current plan is to sell our house and move out of Florida. We seek a place that feeds us spiritually as well as fills our need for diversity and cultural richness. We love the green, the trees, the forests, the mountains, but as unschoolers we know we want to be able to feed our minds as well as our souls. As far as personal growth plans, I just want to keep creating, keep writing, and keep doing the things that keep my passion fires alive.  

3. What gets you up in the morning?
I have a wonderful life to wake up to. I have everything I need and all that I could have ever wanted, so waking up is joy every morning. I am not blinded to how my life could have been, and I have not forgotten where I have been. The terrible storms I have traversed in my life were hell, and I don't ever want to visit that place of despair again.  Self hatred, shame, anger, depression, addiction, I have reconciled all those things with hours of self- healing, on my own and with help. For anyone ever having to deal with any of these things, either individually or all at once, there is light on the other side. And it's true what they say, "what doesn't kill you will make you stronger." Much stronger. But the journey never ends with the conquering of one personal demon. Where there is one, there are more to follow. This is when purpose through people, passion, and creativity come in to play. By filling my life with these things, there is little room for despair. 


4. What does a typical day look like?
Soy latte first, always, then blogging and writing, which I love. After that, my children and I plan our day. I make suggestions, and we talk about ideas. They tell me what it is they would like to do and then we do our best to compromise and make things happen. I strive to find the interesting and joyful things that we can learn from. Many days we are out of the home all day, other days we never leave home. 


When we are home, we are reading or listening to books, trying a new game, playing with puzzles, practicing multiplication, writing in journals, practicing our letters, practicing our reading, cooking, doodling with pens, playing computer games, exploring through a microscope, aiming at an archery target, learning about animals, swimming in the pool, trying to catch bugs, hunting for fossils, looking up history facts, watching Mythbusters, Dirty Jobs, How It's Made or Brain Pop.  When we go out, we are visiting a factory, farm or nature reserve, going to the beach, going to summer camp, going to co-ops, going to plays or performances, going on a road trip, going to museums, visiting friends, going to the library or bookstore, going to the science centre or herpatarium. My own needs are important in our days as well. I make time to create whether it's to knit, sew, crochet, draw/doodle, art journal, and I read.  To ignore my own needs would be a big mistake and a poor representation to my children on importance of fulfilling our passions. So everyday is about making it work for all of us. We each give a little, we each take a little. The point is we all are getting something, and we all are helping each other get that something. We are a team.


5. When you experience a setback how do you pick yourself back up again?
The biggest setbacks I experience are usually emotional. Either I didn't get enough sleep, or didn't eat well, or my hormones are loopy.  On these days I have a shorter fuse and know I have to be gentler with myself and my kids. I make sure not to plan too much on those days and let the kids know that I am feeling "off". I might stay away from the computer too, as too much screen time tends to make me feel worse than better. Then I try to focus on my kids. No matter how bad of a day I am having, my children usually can help me snap out of it. When I look at life through their eyes, everything is much simpler. I am guilty of overanalysing, and over inflating issues. The kids bring me back down to earth and remind me that by staying in the present moment, things are never as heavy as they seem.  


6.  Who or what inspires you the most?
My children inspire me and my husband inspires me, of course. But I think the greatest source of inspiration I receive lately are moms. Mothers of all ages, stages and places.  Every mother I know works hard everyday at giving their family the best that they can give.  


I am so grateful to all the women who have committed to sharing something that they have learned on their journey in parent and person hood. Without their experiences most of us would be pretty lonely out here.

7. We all have bad days when we doubt ourselves and our abilities. How do you get through yours?
I have learned a lot about ego in the past several years. Ego is that voice inside that tells me that I have to do and be more, that I have to receive attention or be recognised, or that I have to be perfect. Ego, many times is that voice of doubt and fear that says "What are you doing?? You can't do that, you don't know what you are doing!" Sure I have doubts about what I put out there. These are the thoughts that push me in a corner and make me feel small. Yet I have learned that I have a choice in whether I listen to these thoughts or not. There has to come a point when I ask myself when I will be enough. I can decide today that I am exactly how I was meant to be, imperfect perfect in every form.  Or I can succumb to the self defeating thoughts leading to a self-fulfilling prophesy. There is so much freedom in accepting who we are now, exactly as we are, and loving every inch of ourselves inside and out. Once I accepted this about myself, I have no desire to be anyone else but me, and only do the best that I can do. Ambition takes on new meaning when this happens. It no longer means having to be better or achieve more than anyone else, it just means doing better for myself and for sheer passion and joy of it.


8.What do you feel are your greatest achievements and why?
My greatest achievements are overcoming the demons I mentioned earlier which included an eating disorder and exercise addiction. Everyday I thank the universe for my life and for the gifts that my struggles have given me. I have not looked back and I regret nothing. My marriage is my second greatest achievement. My husband is my rock and my best friend. There is no other person out there that gets me like he gets me. He will own my heart forever. Third, my relationship with my children. This was a hard fought battle that involved looking at my own ingrained beliefs that I had developed from my own childhood. Our children are mirrors that reflect our own imbedded hurts from our past. I never imagined my life with children to be like it is now. They are my best friends, my inspiration, my joy. They have taught me how to be a better mom and a better person. They, too, will own my heart forever. 


9. Tell us what you think constitutes a "Super Woman" and list 3 key ingredients for success.
A Super Woman is I think, quite opposite from that woman flying in a cape. There is no bravado, no cheering crowd, no recognition or key to the city. Super women are the grunts in the trenches doing what needs to be done to keep things going. Most super women I know are moms working hard everyday to be better for their children and their families. They are modest yet strong, humble yet unyielding, knowing what's exactly right for their own family. Super women aren't afraid to make mistakes. They ask for help, knowing that most successful people always had help. Super woman accept the bad with the good, knowing everything has it's own time. Super women never lose sight of that little girl inside, remembering that she has needs too. Super woman are ever changing and ever evolving, knowing that stagnation is not an option. They walk a delicate line between seeking joy for themselves and everyone they love, yet still remembering to savour the precious minutes that go by.


If I had to pick ingredients to super woman success, they would be these:

• Humility 
• Kindness/Compassion
• Authenticity
• Strength of character/Integrity

One last thought...


In a world that is constantly trying to separate each of us from the other, either by the way we look, by what we have or don’t have, by what we can or can’t do, I say look for the things that make us more alike. We all want the same things, we all need the same things - love, compassion, kindness, and connection.  


Thanks so much Zoe!!!




Thank you MJ! You can find MJ over on her blog, Wander Wonder Discover.

Do you know someone who fits the bill of Super Woman? Even yourself - don't be shy! If you would like to take part or recommend a friend, please send a message with the details to me at giveanearthly at gmail dot com.

The Crying Game

Cry Babies

I have written here many times before about my bond to "attached" parenting, and it's true - every fibre of my being strives towards it. And as part of that philosophy I absolutely cannot allow my babies to "cry it out". But, I confess, I am only human, and my human mama body will only cope with so much. This is the confession of an "attached" mama who does not always stand by her principles as firmly as she wishes or as much as she evangelises.


We learned with our first, boy Earthly, that we just had to let him cry sometimes. Because he cried ALL the time - that's just who he was. And as much as we would try and comfort him and rock him, sing to him, stick him on the boob endlessly, oh and all the other little tricks that you pick up rapidly as new parents - he often still just needed to cry himself to sleep. We used to worry that he was in terrible pain (and indeed blamed the first three months to colic, and thereafter teething), but soon realised that it was just his way. Just as he would never fall asleep on his back - if he wasn't asleep before going in his hammock we had to put him down on the bed on his front, and stroke his back until he settled. And yes, we felt like terrible parents, because we are told as a society that tummy sleeping is wrong and your baby will die. What they don't tell you is that some babies much prefer to sleep on their tummies - like some adults - and it's also a relief for colic.


With girl Earthly, I am reliving the pain of having to let her cry sometimes. It's not a decision I have made, and it's certainly not something I feel at all wonderful about. Ordinarily I wake up the second baby starts to whimper, sometimes even just before. But I confess that there have been occasions where I have been so exhausted that my senses have not roused until mid-wail, and by the time I've dragged my weary parts together enough to pick baby up, she has been screaming her lungs out for some few minutes. At other times I've actually fallen asleep while she continued to cry, my arm encircling her in a pathetically feeble attempt at comfort.


My mum said to me whilst on holiday that "you don't need to run to them the moment they start to cry", and whilst I disagree with her fundamental meaning, in other ways she's right. We've learned that our babies will often cry a little - sometimes even copiously - when self-settling. In fact they can sound horrendously upset for 2 whole minutes before completely zonking out. It's heart-renching and emotionally and physically exhausting, but necessary. If we interrupt and attempt to soothe, the wails become hysterical and we simply prolong the agony for all of us. Equally, when one starts to wake and whimper, I will listen intently for a few moments to determine whether I am actually needed. Tensed, senses sharpened, I await the change in tone from slightly disgruntled/discomfited to the beginnings of distress. At that point I sigh, my shoulders droop, and I stir my limbs from the warm bed for the nth time that night.


I read a wonderful blog post a little while ago, by Alternative Mama, entitled "Crying it Out vs Allowing Crying - A Big Difference". I urge you all to head over there and read it NOW (and browse her vast archives of other mother-worldly experience and take on natural parenting). She explains much more eloquently than I can right now, just what I struggled with:

"I always felt like, as an attached parent, I had to ignore my own needs. I was trying to pull patience and energy out of the bag when I had none to give, and therefore was feeling like an utter failure as a mother. I felt like I was missing something that the other gentle mothers had all discovered. However, there is no way to summon energy when you have none. You simply cannot give when there is nothing left. Despite what many online parenting communities would have me believe, I am not a bad mother for needing to get some god-damned sleep."

On reading this, all the guilt and feelings of failure I felt at allowing my babies to cry at times, melted away. And she reiterated what we had already discovered about recognising different types of cry, and determining what those different cries required from us. Often it was some kind of comfort, or a mixture of comfort and food/change/burping etc. But sometimes, we knew that we just had to leave baby alone to cry for a short period. After months and months of agonising and hair tearing and floods of tears, the relief just washed over us.


Help break the great taboos of parenting: join in and share this post and those below as part of Lucy's Blogging Carnival of Emotions:

• Knowing Anger, by Rachael at The Variegated Life
• PND, by Laura at Nestled Under Rainbows
• Isolation: Knowing You are Not Alone, by The New Mommy Files
• It's Not All Bloody, by Earthenwitch
• The White Heat of Mama Anger and Is the Silencing of Mama Anger a Feminist Issue, by Lucy at Dreaming Aloud
• Mama Rage, by Apron Stringz
• Forgetting Connection, by Code Name Mama

A Mother's Love

Source

A quick look on Amazon brings up all kinds of titles for my perusal, if I should wish, on the topic I'm about to embark upon: How to Manage Your Mother, When You and your Mother Can't be Friends, Children of the Self-Absorbed, Adult Children: the Secrets of Dysfunctional Families... and many more like it.


But none of these really really do it for me somehow. I'm not looking for a self-help manual that focusses on the negative in an attempt to find the positive. I'd prefer something more wholesome, holistic, absorbing and engaging. But then that is my bent; it is not my mother's.


Mothers and daughters. Is it a truism that they cannot get along? Is it just a matter of which shade of grey you fall into along the length of the card of mother-daughter relationship failure? Does Attachment Parenting make for better bonds in later life? This is my hope; my main reason behind my instinctive need to use AP with my own children is to ensure a life-long lasting bond, and one which will stand true even in the face of fundamental differences.


And yet, and yet... I also feel it shouldn't really matter the parenting style as long as you can communicate. That's the real key. I talk to my mother and my mother talks to (often at) me; we don't communicate. I've tried over the last decade to create some kind of bond between us but our relationship has declined steadily. I've tried to ignore it, to accept it, to gloss over it, but with children of my own now the issue has become the elephant in the room. Strange, how on becoming a mother we often feel more vulnerable and more in need of mothering ourselves... I feel the absence like a phantom limb; she is there and yet not there.


There is no support, no love like a mother's. When it is present we are encircled in a safe zone, a return to the womb. When it is absent we feel cold, alone, vulnerable. We seek shelter elsewhere, but it's not quite the same; there is a rent in the fabric that no patching will cover.


I send my love and support to all you wonderful attached mammas out there. You are doing a superb job and you should rightly feel very proud.

*That* Kind of Mum

This post is inspired by an impromptu blog carnival which I discovered via MJ at Wander Wonder Discover. It really sums up some of the things I'm beginning to learn about parenting, especially with my sensitive little boy.



This weekend I was on baby duty again* as Father Earthly did some more boatbuilding so that one day we might actually have a home (this time it was clearing out the bow in preparation for "the big move" - more later).




And, like so many times before, I struggled. Baby Earthly no. 1 was in a highly sensitive mood and I couldn't get him interested in anything. He just whinged, moaned, screamed, pulled away, flopped down, or just sat, inert, shy, or plain uninterested (so I thought). I tried to play with him at the park. Ordinarily he loves the slide but with me he just didn't seem to know what he wanted. He sat at the top of the slide, getting in the other kids' way and refusing to budge. I cajoled, I played silly, I tried to help him down, offered to catch him, teased, diverted his attention, climbed up to be with him (bearing in mind I had baby no. 2 strapped to me this was no mean feat) but all to no avail.




It was like that the whole day. And it has been like this many times before too. Last week I was in tears because he'd successfully screamed the local library and garden centre down. Oh the shame, of looking like the worst parent in the world! Not because he was "making a scene" but because I felt so utterly disconnected from him, my little boy. He just didn't seem to be part of me any more.




I always wanted to be a "natural" parent. Unfortunately it hasn't always worked out that way. I have found myself wanting to control, to coerce, to reprimand when things aren't going how I want them to. I've struggled against the urge to snap or shout or even (gulp) be vindictive (no you can't have that toy because I've had enough and because I say so) when my nerves are frayed and I'm entering meltdown. In fact, I've learned a whole lot more about myself as a person since becoming a mum (and particularly to no. 1). And I've been surprised at what I found: the good, the bad and the ugly.

I've read a lot about sensitive kids since we realised that's what baby no. 1's "problem" was. There are so many great resources out there, not least those bloggers (and the commenters too!) who have dared to bare all and speak candidly and openly about the topic (wonderfully, there's too many to mention, but do visit the Natural Parents Network for support). Books worth mentioning are Playful Parenting (on my reading shelf currently) and The Highly Sensitive Child (which I don't have but have seen recommended a lot).


But somehow knowing and even recognising the underlying causes or issues has not helped me to deal with the resulting behaviour. Even through all the times I've been 'playing at' the good mum, the tuned-in mum, the sensitive mum, I think it's been somewhat mechanical, a means to an end and no more. Because I've felt frustrated, fed up, disappointed even. I've been grieving over a sense of severe disconnect.


Until now. I hope. The last few days I've really been trying to look beneath the tantrums and 'oddities' to discover afresh my baby boy. And the more I look, the more I see. The more I see, the more I want to delve deeper. I've realised, in fact, that the "problem" may have been mostly with me after all. I so desperately wanted to "connect" with him that I was ignoring his needs and desires, feeling them somehow inferior or just a plain nuisance. So he wants to guddle in the gravel rather than plant seeds with me; so he'll have a cuddle but only when he wants to and for as long (or as short) and as often as he wants; so he doesn't want to play in the park because actually he's really tired and feeling overwhelmed; so he will insist on watching 'Thomas' at every possible opportunity; so he will sit and move his crayons between containers rather than draw me a picture; so he will pick the banana off his sandwich and the veg off his pizza. So what? Just because those things don't tally with my desires doesn't mean they are wrong.


Before I became a parent, and indeed until my little one became a toddler, I had all sorts of ideas about how things should or could be done. Most of us do. And we are all guilty of a bit of parenting snobbery. But the biggest thing I've learnt as a mum is truly, what 'natural parenting' really means. It does not mean being the greenest or most alternative parents in the neighbourhood with your home-birthed, fully breastfed, organic-real-nappy-wearing, co-sleeping offspring (however commendable those things are in themselves). It does not mean 'permissive parenting' or 'spoiling' or simply being lax and irresponsible. It does mean dropping down to their level and learning to understand them through play. It does mean communicating effectively with your children (like ECing, it's all about cues) and parenting in a mindful or conscious manner. It does mean following your intuition and realising that actually it's so much easier to win 'good' behaviour when you're not at loggerheads, and so much more pleasant all round!


Today I feel closer to my little boy than I ever have before, simply through re-evaluating my own expectations and desires. I would like to think, now, I am that kind of mum.

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* In saying this, I'm not in any way saying Father E doesn't do his share of childcare duties. He does. And way, way more than most men would/could/should. He is truly wonderful.