Home is Where the Heart is

Sorry for the silence of late everyone - life seems to have got in the way!  Above all, we recently came back from a lovely 10 days in soggy Cornwall, which was a much needed tonic for us all. Ok, it would have been nice if the sun had come out a bit more, but really the rain was just an excuse to don wellies and raincoat and splash around in puddles and go head to head with the wind on the cliff tops :)


And then we came back, and well, you know what it's like when you come back from hols… big downer, back to reality and all that. Except this time it was like coming back to a life which we hadn't quite realised was SO difficult. We knew things were tough, in many ways, but a break away peeled the scales away from our eyes and made us see things a little clearer. And with that, it has made us think a bit more about where we want to be in life.

Ooh big questions huh? Yep.

Amusingly, the lovely Lucy at Dreaming Aloud just posted a link which kind of sums it up (or some of it at least): Less Work, More Living, summed up in a nutshell as "Earn less, spend less, emit and degrade less". It's what we strived for right from the start of our adventure, when we set off in Rona (our camper) back in 2008. But life changes and gradually you sink back into the old ways, accumulate things again, strive for more and ultimately end up needing more money for it all.

With our boat we hoped to create a home for our family. But in order to achieve that we will be tied down to hard slog for the next ten years at least - and the irony is by doing that we also make a choice between making a home and making a family, because any time we do have (i.e. weekends) must be spent either working on the boat or enjoying time with each other. You could say we could try half-and-half, but believe me, it doesn't work out that way!

So, another turning point. In a radical shift away from traditional views of "hearth and home", we are now looking at creating a home within ourselves and carrying it wherever the wind blows us. Sure, it's nice to have pretty things and familiar things all around: bookshelves groaning, our trusty range bubbling away all manner of goodies; our own bed (which actually isn't so comfortable!) and so on. But at the end of the day things don't matter, do they? They just reflect what's inside us (or should). What if we were to look to the light within instead; the source of our personalities and dreams and feelings?

I hope we can learn to shine enough as individuals and as a family to be able to create "home" wherever we might require it, and at any time it is needed. They say "home is where the heart is" - and we're taking that in its most literal reading!

Mastering Love and Fear

Fear vs Life

I've been thinking a lot about happiness this year. Well, it's a recurring theme for us all really isn't it? Every day is evaluated by how well we think things are going for us, how lucky we are, what pitfalls have stopped us short (or temporarily holed us), what achievements we've managed despite the competition/weather/economical situation etc etc etc.


Is it me or has it all gone quiet on the "David Cameron wants to know how happy you are" front? Popping over to the Office for National Statistics site, I see that they're now in the process of evaluating all your comments and "expect to report on the findings of the debate in July 2011". Oooh, I can't wait.


Yes, you did read that right, the cynicism in my tone. Not usually noted for being so (I tend to believe cynicism is self-destructive and pointless), I can't help it in this case. I will be genuinely interested to hear the "results"; however I do believe the subject of the country's happiness, and particularly the method for gathering information on it, is not something we are exactly experts at on the whole. Quite apart from us being duly noted worldwide as "a bunch of whinging poms", there is the small matter of the questions you were asked. Sadly I can't see the questionnaire now it's closed, but I remember looking at it a few months back and seeing the same old leading questions on health, housing, economy etc etc etc. Well, you say, aren't they what's important? Well, dear reader, that's rather up to you. But my point is, that by forcing you to answer questions on such topics, they are making you feel as if they ARE important to you, whether they really are or not. 


The political satire Yes, Prime Minister, gives a wonderful sketch demonstrating how leading questions can achieve either a "yay" or a "nay" from you in the same sitting:

But at risk of encouraging mass egocentricity, if you were to forget about all our societal structures, can you make an honest and raw appraisal of your real happiness goals? Or do you struggle to think outside the confines of those structures? In his blog, the Moneyless Man Mark Boyle claims we are all "addicted to civilisation". Defining addiction in his own terms as "'any behavioural pattern that persists despite the person being aware that it is harming their physical, mental, emotional or spiritual well-being and/or is killing them'", he summarises that

"Addicts effectively keep refusing to let something much more fulfilling into their lives, probably because they no longer have a real sense of how good life could be without [their fix]."

Now I happen to know a family member who fits this bill exactly: her life revolves around the negative and what kind of sensation she can cause or glean from it, whilst at the same time bemoaning how torrid her life is. She happens to be a particularly case, but we are all guilty of it.

David Sye of Yogabeats

Similarly, on his Yogabeats blog, David Sye also speaks of 'addiction', this time to "life as an item", where 

"Western life is built around the ability and concept of controlling everything.  For we are terrified by what we cannot control, so life itself poses a real threat"

Attacking those age-old hang-ups we all succumb to ("I can't do A until X, Y and Z happens.."), Sye rightly points out that 

"Nothing NEEDS TO HAPPEN for you to remember that you are life itself, showing up (whether you like it or not!) through the little idea of who you imagine yourself to be."

Whilst I agree wholeheartedly with both takes on this essential message, Sye really nails it for me in outlining his current workshop From the Mastery of Fear to the Mastery of Love. He claims we have to learn how to:

"recognise the addiction we have to the "emergency emotions" of fear and our emotional wounds and how and why they keep repeating throughout our lives, until we learn the cognitive skills that can transform us from the mastery of fear to the mastery of love".

In other words, before we can selflessly care 100% about the planet or even how much "civilisation is killing us", most of us will need to look to ourselves first. Honestly, openly, and without preconceptions, excuses or prefabricated societal constructs.

Anyone who knows me knows I can preach till the cows come home about finding your true place in life no matter what. I annoy my friends and family daily with my evangelicism whilst struggling myself with the subject. A wise teacher I once knew said that we all study what we are most lacking in ourselves. It's so true. But nobody said the path to "happiness" was finite. The route between mastering "fear" and "love" is completely organic, flowing, elusive at times, confusing and often changeable. So nobody - no government official, no yoga master, no psychiatrist or teacher or parent or friend can TELL you where to find your own happiness. You have to go looking for it yourself.

What will you choose?

If you need guidance you won't be short of finding some on the web. Start off by checking out The Happiness Project, Blacksburg Belle and The Goddess Guidebook. But ultimately you've got to follow your own intuition. Those who lead the happiest lives (and recognise it) have found what works best for them and are always open to re-evaluating that, within certain limits. For example, whilst some days I dream of running away to join the circus and somewhat lessening my responsibilities, in my saner moments I acknowledge that such a move would only make me temporarily "happy" at best, thereafter reducing me to a life of misery and regret.


I feel that personal happiness in today's world can be best achieved through an alchemical mixture of self-control and empowerment: learn to recognise what you love and what works for you within your given limitations (see above!) but don't over-indulge (or at least not too often). And allow yourself to feel empowered, strong, capable. All too often our best efforts are belittled in one way or another - it is not a British trait to "be proud" of yourself. But proud (not gloating or domineering) you must be. You've come this far, you've achieved this much. You are you and nobody else. Of course you should be proud.


And don't think for a minute that I'm saying you should all do what you like and forget about community values and the state of the world at large. Of course I'm also appealing to your moral nature and societal values. And I'm also trusting that you will find the balance "between constructive attempts at greater self-knowledge and pointless rumination" and not go down the self-destructive path of "overthinking". 


Learn to master your fears; learn to master your loves. Learn to be you.

Balancing Act

I am struggling with balance very much this month. No, the boat isn't listing (any more than usual) and I've not been having toddling problems (except when particularly tired!); but I have been finding it difficult to focus on exactly what seems the right choice. Just one example is our financial dependence. To work or not to work? Having been on maternity leave since September, I feel less and less inclined to go back to work full time as it would mean neither Matt nor I would see much of our young kids - so what then is the point in having them? As it is, Matt is out of the house about 13 hours a day (though he is currently on a 4 day week), and Harris travels with him to the childminder and Granny's. It's crazy! But we couldn't live without the money, not for the moment - we still both have debts to pay off for one thing. Some days I wonder (especially when I feel like a rubbish mum anyway) whether I should find employment while Matt stays at home. But then I know I'd hate that too. 


On my dreamy days I think, well what do we need money for? Let's both give up work and just do something really positive, and step as lightly as we can upon this earth. But those pesky debts get in the way. I really admire those people who have learnt to live as self-sufficiently as possible, and while I dream of it, I often wonder whether I could truly live that way. As it is I feel as if I'm always fighting against the need for bought-in goods, and I say that after a year without making many purchases at all (other than our boat!).


I'd love to hear from anyone who has truly found their balance - and what you do on those days when you find yourself a bit off-kilter.