Three in a Bed... Or how *not* to co-sleep

Three - four - or more in a bed :)

I have a terrible, burning confession to make.

I hate co-sleeping. 

And I love it too.

In about equal measure. In fact, I'd go as far as to say that I'm pretty much split right down the middle on the subject: one minute I'm all for it and loving every second, the next I'm near to throwing the extra bodies out of the bed - MY bed (I roar in my mummy lion voice) - in order to find a bit of space to squeeze my body into and get-some-frigging-sleep.

The Realities

Today I am grumpy. Why? Because girl Earthly slept badly and ended up - as is so often the case - lying on top of me for most of the night. Not beside me, or snuggled into me, but sprawled across my chest, head banging from side to side as she tried to find a soft spot for a pillow. It has always been like this, with both offspring - they simply refused as babies to be anywhere except lying on top of me. And it's my least favourite sleeping position, particularly when there's a heavy toddler squashing me for most of the night and I wake up unable to move my spine in the morning.

I absolutely adore snuggles with my babes in the bed. But they are not the easiest of bedfellows, to say the least. I suspect, in fact, they are close to being the most uncomfortable of all bedfellows. Frequently I am found clinging to the edge of the bed in a desperate bid to stop myself falling out. Even more frequent are the repeated kicks, punches, headbutts, general smotherings and clamberings... and then the insistence that I cuddle them at the same time, whilst all this is going on.

It's no wonder I give up sometimes and either insist they go back to their own bed (which by the way, is only a few feet away from ours) or give up completely and go and sleep on the sofa or in one of their beds!

But I feel terrible for feeling this way. I really love bringing them into our bed when they need the comfort, for why not? If I want comforted in the middle of the night, I have hubby. How often we forget - those of us who sleep with partners - that we have this luxury whilst our children don't! If I have a bad dream, or can't settle my mind, hubby is often (not always - he has the wonderful ability to sleep like an elephant) there to hold me and whisper words of comfort whilst I fall asleep.

So there we have it. What are your cosleeping secrets? Are you a perfect cosleeper who loves every single second of your time with them, do you have a particularly neat sleeper, do you detest even the idea of cosleeping, or are you ambivalent?

Happy Sleeping, whatever you do :)

5 Things I Love About Breastfeeding

I may have said in previous posts (I can't remember) that I am not exactly a keen breastfeeder. I have certainly uttered the "h" word in relation to breastfeeding on more than one occasion - usually at 6am after a broken night's sleep and having spent the last 3 hours fighting for some bed space as well as some peace and quiet to close my own eyes and make some kind of job of replenishing my knackered body and empty milk ducts.


However, despite all this, I wouldn't have it any other way (well other than somehow sharing the task with hubby - I have it on good authority that partners can (and have been known to, somehow!) start producing milk for their offspring. How unbelievably and awesomely helpful would that be? 


In the meantime, here are 5 reasons why I love - yes love - breastfeeding:

1. I get a real kick out of knowing that I, and I alone (until solids are introduced) am responsible for my baby's growth and health. That is pretty darned awesome!

2. It's so easy! Oh yes, I've had my fair share of problems, from thrush to cracked and itchy nipples, and as already half-mentioned, I'm not so good at sharing my body and its personal space bubble every nano-second of the day. But if baby's hungry, anytime and anywhere, all I have to do is take my bra strap down and let her find a nipple: no sterilising, no bottles, no bags to carry lots of equipment when we go out, no having to decide which formula seems the best and healthiest choice, no warming necessary... I am ultimately lazy, and so for me, breast wins hands down!

3. I love the snuggling. Oh I know you can cuddle with a bottle too, but there's something so intimate and primal about baby nuzzling into your breast, her tiny mouth pouted and searching for the nipple - and finally, latching on and sucking contentedly away.

4. This is utterly vain, but it drops the post-pregnancy baby weight off fast! By 6 months post-birth for both my babies, I'd got back to my pre-pregnancy size and weight. If I hadn't breastfed I would have really struggled to shift that extra weight.

5. Father Earthly says "it's cheap"! Not free, because I have to eat more to keep up with the demand (including a lactating multivitamin), but certainly a lot cheaper than having to invest in bottles (though we did have some for expressing with boy Earthly - didn't bother this time round) and cartons of formula. Gotta love a bit of money-saving!

What do you love about breastfeeding?

The No-Sleep Sleep Update

I promised an update on the no-sleep monster situation. Well, the joint putting-to-bed thing has really worked. She typically settles down within 10 mins of us doing this and we can often steal away to forage for our dinner within half an hour.


Not always though. Some nights she is just determined to stay up late, share our dinner, spend several hours not wanting to sleep and then the rest of the night fractious with tummy ache...


But on the good nights, it works beautifully. She will sleep for anywhere between 1 and 3 hours generally before waking for a feed. And the last few nights she has let me put her back in her hammock, which gives us some much needed rest and space! Don't get me wrong, I am all for co-sleeping, but it just doesn't work with Girl Earthly. We are all much more settled in our own beds.


However - and this is the biggie - around 2-3am Girl Earthly wakes up and wants to party. Seriously. We try everything to settle her but she simply won't have it. She can easily keep this up till 5 or 6am, at which point her brother wakes up for the day. This has been happening every night and it's killing us.


My frustrations with all of this mainly stem from my inability to understand what is going on with her: if we put her to bed earlier or later it makes no difference. Her routine has essentially not changed - she still has the same cues. And despite the odd sleep-deprived explosion we are being unbelievably patient with her. But this has to stop. Somehow.


Father Earthly and I would love to hear your solutions!!

Gentle Sleep Solutions: It Takes Two Baby

Friday evening, 7.30pm and I have an aloe vera face mask on and my toenails painted. Girl Earthly is asleep in bed. Should I hold my breath? We shall just have to wait and see!


So what was the Last Great Gentle Sleep Solution? It was in fact Father Earthly's idea. I blame the fact I'm so sleep addled and wretched I couldn't think my way out of a chocolate factory at the moment (would I want to? I don't know...). That's not to say he isn't sleep addled too, but at least he doesn't have to get up and breastfeed in the middle of the night. Are you ready? Have you tried everything else and can think of nothing left in your gentle armoury? Are you pretty much ready to throw baby out of the window in an attempt just to get some god-danged sleep?


Well, try one last thing please. I think it may just have worked for us, and I'll certainly keep you posted. If you're a two-parent family, what does the other half do while you put baby to bed? Make dinner? Watch TV? For us, it has been a case of Dad puts boy Earthly to bed and I try and put Girl Earthly to bed. Until the last few months, this has worked. If you read my last post, you'll know it hasn't worked for some time now! What if... what if both of you try? Not individually in shifts, but at the same time...?


It suddenly makes so much sense to me now. Baby is at that stage where she is beginning to realise Dad is an important figure in her life too, though she's still very attached to Mummy of course. So while she really wants Mummy, she's not keen on Dad disappearing either. Think about it: her life revolves around us and when one of us disappears she naturally frets. When will she see us again? Are we gone forever? How can she sleep if she's fretting about that possibility?


Tonight there was no screaming or crying (from anyone). We just both lay down with her and soothed her together. At one point Father Earthly had to go and check on boy Earthly, and immediately girlie started to wriggle and squirm and become very unsettled. When he returned, she calmed down again and within minutes she was asleep on Father Earthly's chest, sound in the knowledge that I was also nearby.


So there you have it. It might seem OTT, but when it reduces the household fractiousness and bedtime ritual to something so much saner again, I am ALL for it.


Has anyone else tried this? If you're having sleep issues, I urge you to give it a go. What more nurturing, holistic, family-oriented and peaceful way could there be?

I want my Mummy: When Dad Just Won't Do

Love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation ~ Kahlil Gibran

The last few months have been tough with girl Earthly, really, really tough. What we thought must be a short phase of physical discomfort has extended to weeks and weeks of traumatic bedtimes, sleepless nights, and too-early mornings. I have been scouring my memories of boy Earthly's babyhood for a glimmer of something similar, but they were such different babies that it is difficult to compare. 


I think at the time, we just got through it (somehow) and then forgot all about it. But I do remember now that we had real problems getting boy Earthly to "attach" to his Dad. He just wanted me, ALL the time. Of course, I have the boobs and therefore I hold the prime comforting tool. Typically this made Father Earthly quite distraught; he wanted to help, to give me a break, and to bond with his son. But his son didn't appear to be interested!


The same is happening with girl Earthly. Except it actually seems worse, somehow. We've always known she is more easy going than her bro, until the point when she gets cross and then she blows it. So while her brother always seemed pretty grumpy, girl Earthly goes from nought to sixty in about 2 seconds. And Father Earthly is currently having to bear the brunt of that...


Perhaps I'm looking in the wrong places but I just can't find much helpful information on this kind of separation anxiety: all the advice typically deals with separation from both parents, not one or other. And it's not like our babies never get to see Dad - he is around and physically 'there' for them far more than most I would say. I wonder if the problem is related to breastfeeding, but browsing some forums I've read that some mothers have had a similar issue with formula-fed babes. 


So what's going on? And why is there such a lack of information on the subject? All of the stuff I've read on separation anxiety talks about the separation from those who are familiar (i.e. parents) and the anxiety shown amongst strangers. Well, both my babies have always turned winning smiles upon strangers and really don't have a problem being held by friends and other members of the family. But they don't like to see me disappear. 


Currently, our nights go like this:

1. Bedtime for both kids. Boy Earthly goes without a fuss. Girl Earthly has a last feed and I try to get her to wind down. Sometimes I just try and cuddle her until she falls asleep, at which point I stick my pinky (if needed) in her mouth and try to place her down on the bed.

2. Girl Earthly knows what is happening and fusses. She wakes up fully and starts to cry. At this point I've tried everything, from rocking and singing to passing her over to Father Earthly, and in some moments of exhaustion, simply leaving her to see if she'll self-settle. NOTHING WORKS.

3. It's now well past dinner time and we've been trying to get her to sleep for about 2 hours. If we leave her she cries like a banshee. If we try and comfort her in any way, she cries like a banshee. We take it in turns but Dad struggles more than I do because she just wants me. With me however, she decides it's time to play and "isn't this jolly mummy? Just you and me, we could have a party!!" I get cross and hand her back to Dad. After some time, both of them fall asleep.

4. If we can both still be bothered, we have dinner between 9-10pm, try to relax for an hour and then fall into bed. Otherwise we just fall into bed - knowing it's the best sleep we'll get all night.

5. Girl Earthly wakes up any time between 10 and 12. I feed her and usually manage to get her to go back to sleep, though rarely in her cot or hammock any more.

6. Father Earthly and I have started sleeping separately, as girlie was fussing and wriggling all night long, pushing me out of bed whilst trying to get closer and closer to me, but never settling. Now he takes her until she wakes for a feed. I feed her and leave them again.

7. After every night feed girl Earthly wants to stay with me and hates to see me go. She fusses with Dad for a while, but will usually eventually get back to sleep.

8. At around 5 or 6am, she awakes and won't go back to sleep. Often she will fuss and cry for an hour or two until her brother wakes up, at which point she almost always settles and goes back to sleep for another few hours - all by herself! This is both infuriating and a relief.

And all this after months of simply settling her, putting her in her hammock, and having her wake a few times for a feed but going straight back to sleep (in her hammock) and not waking until 8am or so.


The last few weeks have involved all kinds of measures in a vain attempt to relieve the situation. Father Earthly has taken her on many a drive in the middle of the night, and ended up sleeping in a car park somewhere for a few hours. I've also tried having her on my own all night, thinking she just needed more of me, but to no avail - neither of us slept. Father Earthly has tried taking her on his own too - we tried this with boy Earthly when we had a similar problem and it worked. It didn't this time!


Have any of you experienced this form of maternal separation anxiety? How did you cope and did you ever figure out the causes?

How to be a Super Woman: Meet Alternative Mama!

1.Tell us about yourself
My name is Imogen and I’m twenty-three (going on seventeen). I am a mother, wife, struggling writer, blogger, occasional barmaid, tattoo-collector, hair-dyer and serial non-conformist. I have two gorgeous boy-children, Monkey and Squish (aged three years and 9 months, respectively), and I live with them and my lovely husband in a dinky house in a small Devonshire town. We subscribe to a lot of the attachment parenting philosophy – we co-sleep, babywear, cue-feed, and love (mostly) every minute of it.


Other than motherhood, my main vocation is blogging. I write mostly about parenting, breastfeeding and childbirth over at Alternative Mama. I am by no means an expert in any of those subjects, but I am passionate about them and love to learn as much as I can about them. I also freelance, writing web content and pretty much anything else I can get my hands on.


I also love to play the piano, go to the pub on the occasional girls night out, ride horses and go shopping (yeah, I know, baaaad crunchy mama ;) ). I love getting tattoos and piercings, and I have a somewhat unhealthy obsession with Dr Who.  

La Leche League breatsfeeding support

But mostly, I am passionate about mothering, breastfeeding and birth. I am trained as a La Leche League Peer Counsellor, and will soon be embarking on my application to become a LLL Leader, so I can help more mothers achieve their breastfeeding goals. I was once very militant about breastfeeding, but since starting the blog and meeting such a vast array of women from different walks of life, I have become so much more moderate in my views. I can see now that it’s not as clear a choice for everyone, and that bottle-feeding isn’t the Great Evil that some “lactivists” make it out to be. I’m not about pushing mothers into breastfeeding or making them feel bad if they don’t – I just want to help those who wish to do it.


2. Do you have a ‘grand plan’?  Do you think this has changed at all over the years?
Oh goodness, it’s changed more times than I care to remember. I am somewhat of a Madonna – constantly reinventing myself, my plans and my life (although this trait has settled down considerably since having the kidlets). Since I was at school, I have wanted to be: a singer, an actress, a writer, a midwife, a body piercer, a photographer, a doula, a traveller, a teacher, a librarian, a burlesque dancer, a DJ and a market stall owner. Out of all of those, the first five are the only ones I keep coming back to. Maybe one day I’ll be all five… watch this space.


In all honesty, I don’t think I could ever have a grand plan. I am just not one of those people who can pick a path and stick to it. I crave change; I need it. The only career I have ever wanted, that couldn’t possibly get bored of, is a career in the performing arts.  Singing is my first love, followed closely by acting. They are The Ones That Got Away, and although I love the life I have chosen, I will always wonder what would have happened if I had believed in myself a little more and gone after my dreams when I was a young ‘un.

3. What gets you up in the mornings?
I am usually awoken by a soft, warm little person either attempting to latch onto my elbow or hitting me squarely in the face. Either way, I open my eyes to a gorgeous, smiling little Squishy. I swear he is the happiest baby in the world. Occasionally my older boy, Monkey, is already awake and I will hear him chatting away to himself and his toys on the monitor. There have been times in my life (and I’m sure there will be more) at which I have struggled to find a reason to get out of bed in the morning but my beautiful, amazing, inspiring, exasperating children are the very best motivation.


4. Run us through a typical kind of day.
A typical kind of day for us is not overly exciting, to be honest. Life with two small children is far too busy for any kind of excitement or spontaneity!  We usually leave the house at some point – either for a playdate at a friend's house, a baby or toddler group, or just a mooch around town. Wednesdays are my favourite day – that’s when I volunteer at our local breastfeeding support group. I absolutely love talking to the new mums and helping them with their breastfeeding queries  - and having snuggles with their cute little babies, of course! Nothing makes me happier than knowing that I’ve made a positive difference to somebody’s nursing experience. However, I have to say I feel equally warm and fuzzy when a woman feels able to talk to me about the possibility of combination feeding their babies, or that she is considering switching to formula altogether. I know that making the choice to formula feed, partially or completely, is a weighty decision that can attract the kind of judgemental comments that no mother needs or deserves.  Knowing that a woman feels safe enough with me to be able to talk about that is very humbling.


5. When you experience a setback, how do you pick yourself back up again?
I think all you can really do is forge on ahead, regardless of how the setback makes you feel. I find that writing things down, or talking them through with someone really helps.  At the end of the day, all we can do is push on ahead. Time waits for no man. The thing that sets me back the most is when I allow my workload to get on top of me. The best thing to do in that situation is to write everything down that I need to do, and tackle just one or two points right there and then. Nothing makes me feel less overwhelmed than being able to tick a couple things off the list.


6. Who or what inspires you the most?
I never cease to be inspired by the women whose blogs I read on a regular basis. Their witty and intelligent work inspires me to try to be a better writer, and their eloquent, honest and sometimes hilarious stories of life with their kids, self-exploration and musings on various aspects of parenting inspire me to be a better person and a better mum. 


Away from motherhood and blogging, I am inspired by the selfless, patient, forgiving and limitless love of my husband. I never thought I’d find somebody who would take everything I could throw at him and still want to be around me regardless. I am a lucky girl indeed.

Alternative Mama as an innocent babe!

7. We all have bad days when we doubt our abilities and ourselves. How do you get through yours?
This is something I really struggle with. When I started out blogging, I didn’t realise what a thick skin you have to have in order to get through. Of course, on the blogs I follow I would see negative comments pop up every now and then but for some reason it didn’t occur to me that I would get negative comments. In my perfectionist manner, I just assumed I would somehow figure out how to please everybody and all would be well (I bet you can guess how that turned out!).


I’ve learnt now that, no matter how moderate and fair you are, you are always going to upset somebody so you might as well be true to yourself in the meantime. Being the sensitive person that I am, I will likely always take negative comments to heart - so I just try my best to remember that if you’re not pissing anybody off, you’re not doin’ it right (and that’s totally true, by the way). Talking it over with somebody helps to get a little perspective, but the best thing I think you can do is take a deep breath, physically ground yourself and just let it go as best you can. Surrounding yourself with positive people is always helpful – they will help you see the wonderful things about yourself when you are incapable of seeing them for yourself.


8. What do you feel are your greatest achievements and why?
My children. They are such beautiful little people. I suppose they aren’t really an achievement of mine, though. They are who they are in spite of me, not because of me. 


I know lots of people wouldn’t think of this as an achievement, but I feel pretty proud of how my home birth turned out. I know that Mother Nature is a powerful lady and sometimes even the best-laid birth plans go awry, but I am pretty proud of myself for squeezing out a human being onto my living room floor without any pain relief or intervention. That’s not to say that medicated or medically managed births are not something to be proud of – they certainly are!  Bringing forth life into the world is always something to be proud of, no matter how the babe makes their entrance.


It’s not really One Big Achievement but I do feel collectively proud of the achievements of our breastfeeding group. I was one of the first group of Peer Supporters trained in our area and we opened our town’s Breastfeeding Support Group 3 years ago. We have had so much positive feedback, and when women say that if it wasn’t for our group they wouldn’t have continued breastfeeding, it makes me feel quietly proud. Knowing that you have made a positive difference to somebody’s life (and the long-term health of a child) is quite an incredible feeling.


9. Tell us what you think constitutes a “Super Woman” and list 3 key ingredients for success.
I think all mothers are Super Women as standard. Before having children I had no. freaking. idea. how hard raising kids was. In my family, having children was always seen as the thing you did if you were too stupid or lazy to get an education or a Real Job. I felt a bit like I was copping out when I chose to have kids. Oh, how wrong I was. 


I think the three key ingredients for success (whether that is success in staying sane whilst raising happy kids, success in your education or in your job) are as follows – 

• Determination. Never give up. I know it sounds really cheesy but it’s true. Never ever allow the word “failure” to enter your vocabulary or your mind. If something is important to you, keep trying. Sometimes you might have to remind yourself why your goal is important to you, which brings me onto my next point…
• Support. It really does take a village. Allow others to help and support you in ways that are useful to you. That doesn’t mean letting them do the hard work for you – it means allowing them to ease the burden, freeing up energy for you to pursue your goals and do what makes you happy. It means surrounding yourself with people who believe in you enough to make you believe in yourself when you hit a wall and don’t feel as though you can carry on.
• Always, always be true to yourself. Don’t ever try to live up to someone else’s expectations of you – and definitely never try to live up to your own, unrealistic expectations of yourself. Don’t try to be somebody else. You are beautiful, amazing, incredible, unique and wonderful just as you are. We each have a gift to give to the world and a legacy to leave – find yours.

10. Final words of wisdom?
Happiness and contentment are things that you will only find within yourself. Don’t rely on others to give you these things, and don’t expect any one thing to fulfil you completely. Recognise and embrace the fact that that you are unique, and not comparable. And when you figure out how to do these things, for heavens sake let me know ;)  


If you want to read more of Imogen’s musings, you can find her at her blog, Alternative Mama, where she rambles about parenting, breastfeeding, childbirth, alternative lifestyle and other topics pertaining to modern alternative families.  You can also follow her on Twitter, and join the conversation at her active Facebook community.

Do you know someone who fits the bill of Super Woman? Even yourself - don't be shy! If you would like to take part or recommend a friend, please send a message with the details to me at giveanearthly at gmail dot com.

The Crying Game

Cry Babies

I have written here many times before about my bond to "attached" parenting, and it's true - every fibre of my being strives towards it. And as part of that philosophy I absolutely cannot allow my babies to "cry it out". But, I confess, I am only human, and my human mama body will only cope with so much. This is the confession of an "attached" mama who does not always stand by her principles as firmly as she wishes or as much as she evangelises.


We learned with our first, boy Earthly, that we just had to let him cry sometimes. Because he cried ALL the time - that's just who he was. And as much as we would try and comfort him and rock him, sing to him, stick him on the boob endlessly, oh and all the other little tricks that you pick up rapidly as new parents - he often still just needed to cry himself to sleep. We used to worry that he was in terrible pain (and indeed blamed the first three months to colic, and thereafter teething), but soon realised that it was just his way. Just as he would never fall asleep on his back - if he wasn't asleep before going in his hammock we had to put him down on the bed on his front, and stroke his back until he settled. And yes, we felt like terrible parents, because we are told as a society that tummy sleeping is wrong and your baby will die. What they don't tell you is that some babies much prefer to sleep on their tummies - like some adults - and it's also a relief for colic.


With girl Earthly, I am reliving the pain of having to let her cry sometimes. It's not a decision I have made, and it's certainly not something I feel at all wonderful about. Ordinarily I wake up the second baby starts to whimper, sometimes even just before. But I confess that there have been occasions where I have been so exhausted that my senses have not roused until mid-wail, and by the time I've dragged my weary parts together enough to pick baby up, she has been screaming her lungs out for some few minutes. At other times I've actually fallen asleep while she continued to cry, my arm encircling her in a pathetically feeble attempt at comfort.


My mum said to me whilst on holiday that "you don't need to run to them the moment they start to cry", and whilst I disagree with her fundamental meaning, in other ways she's right. We've learned that our babies will often cry a little - sometimes even copiously - when self-settling. In fact they can sound horrendously upset for 2 whole minutes before completely zonking out. It's heart-renching and emotionally and physically exhausting, but necessary. If we interrupt and attempt to soothe, the wails become hysterical and we simply prolong the agony for all of us. Equally, when one starts to wake and whimper, I will listen intently for a few moments to determine whether I am actually needed. Tensed, senses sharpened, I await the change in tone from slightly disgruntled/discomfited to the beginnings of distress. At that point I sigh, my shoulders droop, and I stir my limbs from the warm bed for the nth time that night.


I read a wonderful blog post a little while ago, by Alternative Mama, entitled "Crying it Out vs Allowing Crying - A Big Difference". I urge you all to head over there and read it NOW (and browse her vast archives of other mother-worldly experience and take on natural parenting). She explains much more eloquently than I can right now, just what I struggled with:

"I always felt like, as an attached parent, I had to ignore my own needs. I was trying to pull patience and energy out of the bag when I had none to give, and therefore was feeling like an utter failure as a mother. I felt like I was missing something that the other gentle mothers had all discovered. However, there is no way to summon energy when you have none. You simply cannot give when there is nothing left. Despite what many online parenting communities would have me believe, I am not a bad mother for needing to get some god-damned sleep."

On reading this, all the guilt and feelings of failure I felt at allowing my babies to cry at times, melted away. And she reiterated what we had already discovered about recognising different types of cry, and determining what those different cries required from us. Often it was some kind of comfort, or a mixture of comfort and food/change/burping etc. But sometimes, we knew that we just had to leave baby alone to cry for a short period. After months and months of agonising and hair tearing and floods of tears, the relief just washed over us.


Help break the great taboos of parenting: join in and share this post and those below as part of Lucy's Blogging Carnival of Emotions:

• Knowing Anger, by Rachael at The Variegated Life
• PND, by Laura at Nestled Under Rainbows
• Isolation: Knowing You are Not Alone, by The New Mommy Files
• It's Not All Bloody, by Earthenwitch
• The White Heat of Mama Anger and Is the Silencing of Mama Anger a Feminist Issue, by Lucy at Dreaming Aloud
• Mama Rage, by Apron Stringz
• Forgetting Connection, by Code Name Mama

A Mother's Love

Source

A quick look on Amazon brings up all kinds of titles for my perusal, if I should wish, on the topic I'm about to embark upon: How to Manage Your Mother, When You and your Mother Can't be Friends, Children of the Self-Absorbed, Adult Children: the Secrets of Dysfunctional Families... and many more like it.


But none of these really really do it for me somehow. I'm not looking for a self-help manual that focusses on the negative in an attempt to find the positive. I'd prefer something more wholesome, holistic, absorbing and engaging. But then that is my bent; it is not my mother's.


Mothers and daughters. Is it a truism that they cannot get along? Is it just a matter of which shade of grey you fall into along the length of the card of mother-daughter relationship failure? Does Attachment Parenting make for better bonds in later life? This is my hope; my main reason behind my instinctive need to use AP with my own children is to ensure a life-long lasting bond, and one which will stand true even in the face of fundamental differences.


And yet, and yet... I also feel it shouldn't really matter the parenting style as long as you can communicate. That's the real key. I talk to my mother and my mother talks to (often at) me; we don't communicate. I've tried over the last decade to create some kind of bond between us but our relationship has declined steadily. I've tried to ignore it, to accept it, to gloss over it, but with children of my own now the issue has become the elephant in the room. Strange, how on becoming a mother we often feel more vulnerable and more in need of mothering ourselves... I feel the absence like a phantom limb; she is there and yet not there.


There is no support, no love like a mother's. When it is present we are encircled in a safe zone, a return to the womb. When it is absent we feel cold, alone, vulnerable. We seek shelter elsewhere, but it's not quite the same; there is a rent in the fabric that no patching will cover.


I send my love and support to all you wonderful attached mammas out there. You are doing a superb job and you should rightly feel very proud.

How to be a Super Woman: Meet Gina from Happily Poddling Along...

1. Hi! Tell us a bit about yourself
If you break down my days I'm primarily a mother (my daughter, Midi is three and a half and my son, Mini is three months) and home-maker. However, I tend to fill every spare minute with something and as an avid crafter I always have several creative projects on the go too, some of which are usually freelance graphic design jobs. Just in case I ever get bored I also help run the local parent & toddler group, the local play group and the home birth support group, and there's also the charity myself and few others are in the process of setting up to support parents with learning disabilities.


I've worked as a doula since 2005 and as a breastfeeding peer supporter since last year and although I'm currently officially on maternity leave I still regularly talk to expectant parents on the phone and volunteer at the local breastfeeding support group and parent-craft classes. I originally trained as a graphic designer and have continued to undertake freelance design jobs as and when too.

Vintage dress for a toddler, Made by Gina.

2. Do you have a 'grand plan'? Do you think this has changed at all over the years?
There is always a grand plan, otherwise I'd have nothing to work towards! It has evolved over time and I'm sure it always will, but these days there is a lot more enjoyment of the here and now and a lot less pressure to get somewhere else. There was a moment a couple of years ago when I realised all my big dreams had come true – I had a wonderful life partner, a child (now two, which is even better), a job I adored (being a doula) and we'd found our dream home (a gorgeous 200 year old stone cottage in the country, with land and woods to work). I still have things I really want to do, such as actually make some money from my crafting and further into the future to train as a midwife, but it feels as though the Big Things have already been achieved so in some ways the pressure is off. That's not to say I'm complacent, but I am able to really appreciate the things I have now and enjoy these precious times with my young family without yearning too much for what I may be able to achieve in the future. I actually have to hold myself back from grieving for the loss of these magical (if manic) days before they have passed so, for now, my grand plan is to make the most of now and create the wonderful memories that will make me smile for the rest of my days.


3. What gets you up in the morning?
My kids, literally, usually at the crack of dawn. And then I grunt and thump around until the lovely Dr Poddle hands me a cup of tea and I gradually begin the metamorphosis into something more human. In the psychological sense, it's usually the latest creative project and the hope that maybe today I'll get a slice of time to devote to it that gives me that little extra oomph when I'm dozy-headed and craving more time under the covers.


4. Run us through a typical kind of day
After a start much like the one above we'll run through the morning mayhem of getting us and the kids breakfasted and dressed, the dog walked and fed, the chickens out and fed and anything else sorted. On the days when Midi goes to the local play group I drop her off after Dr Poddle has left for work (unless the timings work out for her to do the dropping off) then it's either home to attempt to keep on top of the chores with a bit of crafting/designing/interwebbing thrown in if the time/baby/inspiration is present, or we're out running errands or meeting up with folk. On the days when Midi is home based then the day will be some random mix up of shared activities like baking or child-centred craft and independent play for her while I try to keep the cogs going around the house as well. I've been surprised at how easily Mini, our three month old has fitted in to everything. He really does. He just comes along with me when out and happily watches me get on with things at home as long as he gets plenty of chat and feeding in between. I know I'm extremely lucky to have such a chilled out baby and although life still feels chaotic, I know it could be much worse.

Wax Crayon Batik: Gina has fun crafting on her blog

By mid-afternoon I'm starting to get my head into how to play out the evening. Midi is an early riser and if she doesn't have her tea by 5 and be moving into bedtime by 6-ish then we risk some serious tantrums and a much more interrupted night, so the clock starts to tick about 4:30. I used to really enjoy our family meal times but they just don't seem to fit her pattern at the moment given that Dr Poddle usually gets home from work not much before 6. So, kiddy tea happens, then Dr Poddle returns and we take it in turns to help Midi to bed: bath, stories and cuddles. Then we get to chill out, eat, and catch up with each other whilst cooing over Mini. Our evenings these days usually involve watching some TV or DVDs as a way to wind down and I'll usually be doing something crafty at the same time.


Weekends are the fun times and can involve anything. We try to give each other at least a little bit of child-free time every weekend, even if it's just an hour or so. Often we'll see friends, but we also really enjoy spending quality time at home. There's a lot of work to be done planting, caring for the animals, keeping up our wood stores etc so we're not short of things to do.

Cradling. View more of Gina's birth art here.

5. When you experience a setback how do you pick yourself back up again?
I had to think about this one. I have to find a way to lessen my emotional attachment to the setback, whatever it may be. I often find this quite easy to do by remembering the faith I have in the universe providing whatever I need, whether or not I can see why or how at the time. So faith plays quite a big part in it for me. My faith has evolved a lot in the last ten years or so and I now identify broadly as a pagan leaning in a shamanism direction, but the specifics fluctuate and combine many other things too. I don't undertake much ritual or formal practice but life and the universe now has a structure in my mind and heart that resonates with my soul and that brings me a lot of peace.
Once I'm able to see the setback more objectively it's usually possible to figure out a solution. Talking things through with my very wise Dr Poddle is often helpful as well. She's very good at cutting through crap, whether it be mine or anyone else's so she's a great sounding board.


6. Who or what inspires you the most?
Gosh, all kinds of people and things! I've become increasingly addicted to other craft blogs so I'm always stumbling across amazing ideas for practical things I want to make or do too. I also find my daughter's creativity to be truly inspirational so engineering environments where we can be creative together is something I love to do and gives me plenty of inspiration – I'm sure it will be the same with my son in due course. I'm also blessed with an amazing network of friends and colleagues from the world of doulaing/home/natural birthing and deep, engaged conversation with these wise women (and the odd man) helps fill my soul and keep me energised.

Experimenting with finger labyrinths

7. We all have bad days when we doubt ourselves and our abilities. How do you get through yours?
I usually run crying to Dr Poddle who gives me the cuddles and pep talk that I need. My sister and one of my cousins also get leaned on if I need them – and I try to offer the same in return. So seeking support is usually my first action. I don't seem to have a problem asking for help which is a good thing for me, though possibly not for everyone else... Other than that, it's a faith thing again. That deep rooted belief that the universe knows what it's doing, and if it doesn't then there's nothing I can do about it so I might as well make the most of what I can gets me through.


8. What do you feel are your greatest achievements and why?
Somehow managing to manifest my dreams by my early thirties, particularly conceiving, carrying and home birthing two wonderful children with dodgy fertility and the need for donated sperm ranks high. I've also felt enormous satisfaction from some of my doula work: witnessing someone go from anxious and fearful to an informed, empowered, roaring birthing goddess and knowing I may have helped play a part in that transformation makes me very happy.


9. Tell us what you think constitutes a "Super Woman" and list 3 key ingredients for success.
Most of the women I know are superwomen! A couple of months ago I met up with a group of about 8 friends for a group lunch with our assorted kids, all under 6. It was only afterwards that I realised that all but one of them was also either running or setting up their own business or enterprise as well as being the primary carer for their children and keeping a household ticking over. It made me feel very proud of all of us, even though we all run round like headless chickens most of the time to do it. Some of them even manage to look extremely glamorous while doing it, unlike me who wears make-up maybe twice a year and regularly goes out forgetting to brush my hair or even look in a mirror to make sure my top is on the right way round (it isn't always).


As for ingredients for success I'd say that setting reasonable goals, nurturing oneself (in whatever ways work for you) and doing one thing that makes you happy for every one thing you do that feels a chore would be a good start. Now I just need to remember those things myself...


10. Final words of wisdom?
Just surrender to the present. It's a beautiful place to be and so easy to miss.


You can find Gina over on her blog and her doula, graphic design and craft sites.

Do you know someone who fits the bill of Super Woman? Even yourself - don't be shy! If you would like to take part or recommend a friend, please send a message with the details to me at giveanearthly at gmail dot com.

Goodbye Baby, Hello Person

So that's it. My baby is already growing up. Not yet 6 months and she has discovered the wayward delectations of crispy apple, slurpily juicy watermelon, and pleasingly baby-mouth-sized grapes. Despite doing baby led weaning with our first, my heart was literally in my mouth earlier this evening as I watched her contentedly suck all the lovely goodness out of half-grapes, one after the other.


And despite my joy, my pride, at her accomplishments, her progression, part of me feels just a little teary. That's my baby... it still feels like she was only born a few weeks ago and suddenly she is eating solids! And with such quiet confidence too. One day a few weeks ago she was starting to grab at objects, and for the last week she has been practising bringing foodstuffs to her mouth for exploration, and in the last few days she has decided that actually this stuff is darned tasty and yes please I'l add that to my daily ration of motherly milk. All without the slightest hint of surprise or melodrama. 


I don't actually remember what the transition was like with baby Earthly no. 1. Maybe because he was our first everything seemed to take longer, or maybe it just did. In retrospect it feels like we gave him little sticks of things for months before he actually started realising this stuff was food, and therefore edible. But maybe not. The way he eats now you'd think he was born on solids.


Oh baby how I shall miss thee! Despite everything - the wriggles, the pinching and nipping and pummelling and kicking, the lack of bed space and being stuck for hours at a time virtually completely immobile and helpless, not to mention the endless fatigue - I am already missing in anticipation the closeness and comfortable regularity of full-on breastfeeding. And there's that thought, that really tugs on my heartstrings, that now, she is no longer just made of me... she is taking on foreign substances. She is slowly becoming independent, and her own person.


Eek!

Sacrificing the Self - On Being a Mum

Don't get me wrong. I love being a mum, and I'm not just trying to convince myself of that either. I really wouldn't swap it for anything else - even when I think of our lives Before Kids and just how much TIME and ENERGY we had. Occasionally I find myself fantasising - stepping into an imaginary time machine and zapping myself back to those days filled with empty moments: the peace, the endless stretches of unencumbered time, the (relative) sanity, the personal luxuries... but could I be without my kids? No.


And yet...


Those days when I feel so knackered I could fall asleep in my porridge; when toddler has embarked upon a project of incessant whinging for the day and baby requires being stuck to boob or cuddled all day long; when I'm sick of looking like an extra from the Witches of Eastwick and I'm so hungry I could eat my own leg if only baby wasn't in the way; when my happy-go-lucky childless friends are full of their own egocentric adventures and woes; when on the rare days I get to spend 10 minutes on my appearance I can't even don a nice frock to cheer myself up because it's not breastfeeding-friendly; when all I've done all day is give and give and give of myself and by the time hubby comes home after a hard day at work he feels shunned and unloved because I'm spent; when my brain feels as if it may implode or evolve backwards through lack of intellectual current...


Those days I wonder.

One of the women at my local toddler group told me recently that she felt cheated, lied to. That nobody had warned her what it would be like. At the time I was inclined to think her a little naive, as I'm sure would many others, particularly those without kids. But being totally honest with myself, I feel the same. There is a great yawning gap between knowing in your mind that having children will change your life immeasurably, and experiencing it first hand. Nobody tells you that you will never again have free time, that every millisecond of your precious day will be filled with the needs of others, that even if you get the luxury of a child-free hour or two you are unable to switch off and you can't think of a single thing to say to your partner that doesn't involve talking about the kids. Nobody tells you because you wouldn't believe it; you'd smile indulgently whilst believing yourself a better person, a better parent.


There is just no comparison, no precedent to having children. A friend once told me having a dog was good practice for having a baby. Needless to say he had no prior experience of either. It's nothing like keeping a dog, nor any other animal that I know of. Sure, with a dog you have to think about and attend to its needs from time to time. But for the most part (unless you have a REALLY neurotic dog) he will just be content to lie at your feet/in the corner/ on the sofa and dream of rabbits, whether you're there with him or out shopping.


So sometimes, yes, I do feel cheated. Like I have wholly unknowingly sacrificed the better years of my (and my husband's) life, with no possible redemption. It's as if during that first week of becoming parents, an unseen hand scooped us both up and gently, surreptitiously, placed us down within the confines of a monastery and let it be known that we were to follow the path to sainthood. To give of ourselves completely and utterly and to move beyond the self until the self no longer exists - only our work now speaks of us and who we are, what we have become.


And actually, I'm ok with that. Because it's made (and continues to make) me a better person. Because I've learned to be far less selfish and much more patient. Because I can love unconditionally, even on the days I am tearing my hair out. Because, quite simply, I love them and I love being part of a family.


Balance is the key, and that is the next important lesson for us to learn, as individuals, as a couple, and as a family. It's such a tricky one to get right because the weights on the scales are changing moment to moment, necessitating both saintly patience and calm, a steady hand, a light tread...


Which of course is exactly the opposite of what has been seen in our household this week!