The Luxury of Child-Free Time and How the Demons will be your Downfall

Finding headspace

I'm sitting in our cabin in a sweet little stream of sunshine as it pours through the French doors, and simply contemplating the absence of busy-ness that has pervaded our lives over the last few weeks. 


It's wonderful of course, and yet somehow disturbing at the same time. Instead of putting my feet up, heaving a great sigh and curling up with a fabulously enthralling book and a big mug of hot chocolate, I feel racked with guilt and twitchy. I should be DOING something. I have several 'To Do' lists around the place, on whiteboards and bits of paper and stored on my computer.... all screaming out to have their surfaces scratched, the process of DOING begun. 


And yet... there's the sunshine, and the peaceful house and the awareness that this window of time is finite and before long, perhaps only ten minutes or so, it will have vanished forever and I will be back on that treadmill (or ferris wheel?) of doing.


So I choose to make a compromise and attend to my more and more neglected blog, and share with you a little of what is going on here right now.


And I feel contemplative, so this feels right, rambling on to you about this stuff!


Amongst other things, I've recently started along my path to yoga teacher training. This in itself has forced me to hesitate a little more each day and reflect upon our choices, our lives and what we fill them with. In the West, yoga is taught very much as an exercise, like running or aerobics. Traditionally, however, it is a much more holistic discipline. In fact, through the ancient yogic texts we find that yoga, and the practice of all the "eight limbs", will lead to true enlightenment and prolonged health, of mind, body and soul. Much like Buddhist thinking, the yogi approach believes that we can never be truly happy, healthy and at peace until we surrender our attachment to external pleasures. That isn't to say we can't enjoy them, but rather our lives should not depend upon them for happiness.


And so it is with the business - the busy-ness - of DOING. We fill our lives with what we feel is important, what we feel we must achieve, complete and keep on top of, when all we want is to be free of them, and to be able to relax and have fun, enjoy life. 


At the moment Father Earthly and I are very much sharing child-care responsibilities so that we can both get enough time to do all the things we need to do. So it is that basically, we are ending up with no real family time together, because there's to much to get DONE. And that sucks!

The wall of busy-ness

And yet, on the days I have the kids, I still feel the guilt creeping up on me. Instead of playing with them and teaching them things about the world and generally enjoying them, those little demons inside are telling me I should be "just trying to get this done"; it'll only take ten minutes and then you won't have to worry about it...


Have you been there? Then you know how it feels, and how it generally goes:
"What's that darling? Hmm? Oh lovely"
"Yes, sweetheart, I'll be with you in just a minute"
"Oh don't do that darling, look - take this over there and play with it"
"Come on, guys, just give me 5 minutes!"
"Oh for F*%$ sake, leave me alone, can't you?!"


Demons, I tell you, in your head. In society. Telling you that your time is paramount and not even your children are worthy of benefiting from it over and above your other responsibilities.


Of course, you need time off. And when the kids are sleeping or they are out at nursery or with a friend or partner, what do you do? Do you clean the house, answer emails, pay bills, all the things you never get the chance to do otherwise? Or do you simply relax - switch off completely and answer the needs of your inner self?


I'll tell you now, those demons are wicked little blighters. Ten to one, if you find time for yourself and feel good about it, someone else will make you feel like shit - for daring to take a tiny window of time to attend to your heart and soul needs. They will make you feel guilty and selfish. Which of course just perpetuates the cycle.


I'd like to step off this ferris wheel once in a while, and jump back on again when I feel the need. On and off, just like that. Hop on, hop off. Sit still for a while and contemplate, and then throw myself back into the fray, hair flying and hanging on tight for dear life.


Wouldn't you like to do the same? Bring back a little balance to your lives. Recognise the need and the possibility - the NECESSITY - to switch off. Completely and utterly. Encourage others to do the same. 


Stop DOING and start BEING.


Go on, I give you permission ;)

This was linked to the Seasonal Celebration Sunday on Natural Mothers Network. Go check it out!

How to be a Super Woman: Meet Cassandra from Gypsy Love Warrior

1. Hi! Tell us a bit about yourself
My name is Cassandra, I'll be 29 in August, and I live in the great state of Texas with my boyfriend and mini dachshund, Freddy. We don't plan on having any children (a puppy is a handful!). By day I work at a university in the Human Resources department. My main responsibility is helping students through the process of finding jobs and working on campus.


My true passion is writing and art. In my precious spare time I make all kinds of things, from paintings to jewelry to altered glass bottles. I just recently set up an Etsy shop to share these creations with others.


I have always wanted to be a writer. From before I could even write I knew that's what I wanted to do. I was impatient going into kindergarten because we couldn't learn to write and read fast enough. My aspirations never changed as I grew older. When people asked, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” it was always a writer. I have published several poems in newspapers and magazines and more recently self-published my first collection of poetry. I've also just started a website and blog that focuses on self-love and loving life.


I can't forget to mention that I'm an avid dancer! I'm trained in classical ballet and can be found in a Nia class every week.

Go and Love Yourself!

2. Do you have a 'grand plan'? Do you think this has changed at all over the years?
The plan to be a working writer has never changed. Like I mentioned before, from the time I put pencil to paper I knew that is what I wanted to do for the rest of my life. It would be amazing to do nothing but write and create all day. I know that in time this will happen. But even if I never get paid another dime for my words, I'll be okay with that because it's not about the money – it's about writing from my heart and releasing those thoughts into the world. It's a gift and I'll do everything in my power to continue using it.

3. What gets you up in the morning?
Unfortunately, the alarm clock Monday-Friday. I have to be at work by 7:30 a.m. But on the weekends, I wake up to the sun or the sounds of the birds. If we're not talking literally, the chance to get one step closer to my dreams is what gets me up. Also, love, a good breakfast, an idea, Freddy's kisses and wagging tail, and the ability to dance and dream and create are all things that get me up in the morning (or the afternoon sometimes).


4. Run us through a typical kind of day
Monday-Friday is pretty much the same routine: wake up at 6:15, get dressed, pack my lunch, leave the house at 7:00 to get to work by 7:30. Then I'm at work until 4:30 doing various HR tasks. When I get home from work I usually try to get some exercise in, read, take the dog for a walk, and work on any projects I have going. Yeah, it's kind of boring, but the goal is to break out of the routine and live my dreams of living solely off of my creative work.

Find Cassandra on Etsy

5. When you experience a setback how do you pick yourself back up again?
Lots of introspection and journaling. Even reading an inspiring book helps me through those times. Of course, my family and boyfriend are always ready to listen and lend their advice. My boyfriend is great at problem solving and breaking things down into manageable pieces to help me get grounded again. The same goes for my family; there have been plenty of times when things didn't go according to plan and they were there to help me up and get me moving in the right direction again.


6. Who or what inspires you the most?
So many things and people inspire me! I feel like a whole slew of empowering women have come into my life to cheer me on. I guess I'd have to say the person who has inspired me the most is Francesca Lia Block. She has been my favorite author since I was 16 and I can always read her books for inspiration. I just recently finished taking two novel writing classes with her. Talk about a dream come true! I never thought my favorite author would be reading my work. This year has been filled with amazing moments like that.


7. We all have bad days when we doubt ourselves and our abilities. How do you get through yours?
I try to quiet my inner critic as much as possible. She's really good at saying things like, “Who do you think you are?” and, “You'll never make it,” but I imagine myself shutting the door on that voice and reminding myself that anything is possible and I know everything I need to know right now and that with faith and perseverance, I can achieve my goals.


8. What do you feel are your greatest achievements and why?
Just hearing other women say, “You've inspired me,” is an amazing achievement. To know that my words can help someone else heal and be inspired and dream big is the greatest feeling. I don't think anything can top helping others and using my gifts for the greater good.


9. Tell us what you think constitutes a "Super Woman" and list 3 key ingredients for success.
A Super Woman is a woman who gives completely of herself, but doesn't forget who she is and holds on to what makes her feel alive. It's a delicate balance and hard to do and I admire any woman who can be a mother, daughter, sister, wife, and still go after her dreams. Ingredients for success:
1. Be yourself
2. Express gratitude
3. Never give up


10. Final words of wisdom?
Squeeze all the goodness out of life; forget the naysayers; come in to this world full and leave it empty.

You can find Cassandra over on her website/blog, Etsy, Facebook, Twitter and Flikr.


Do you know someone who fits the bill of Super Woman? Even yourself - don't be shy! If you would like to take part or recommend a friend, please send a message with the details to me at giveanearthly at gmail dot com.

How to be a Super Woman: Meet Alternative Mama!

1.Tell us about yourself
My name is Imogen and I’m twenty-three (going on seventeen). I am a mother, wife, struggling writer, blogger, occasional barmaid, tattoo-collector, hair-dyer and serial non-conformist. I have two gorgeous boy-children, Monkey and Squish (aged three years and 9 months, respectively), and I live with them and my lovely husband in a dinky house in a small Devonshire town. We subscribe to a lot of the attachment parenting philosophy – we co-sleep, babywear, cue-feed, and love (mostly) every minute of it.


Other than motherhood, my main vocation is blogging. I write mostly about parenting, breastfeeding and childbirth over at Alternative Mama. I am by no means an expert in any of those subjects, but I am passionate about them and love to learn as much as I can about them. I also freelance, writing web content and pretty much anything else I can get my hands on.


I also love to play the piano, go to the pub on the occasional girls night out, ride horses and go shopping (yeah, I know, baaaad crunchy mama ;) ). I love getting tattoos and piercings, and I have a somewhat unhealthy obsession with Dr Who.  

La Leche League breatsfeeding support

But mostly, I am passionate about mothering, breastfeeding and birth. I am trained as a La Leche League Peer Counsellor, and will soon be embarking on my application to become a LLL Leader, so I can help more mothers achieve their breastfeeding goals. I was once very militant about breastfeeding, but since starting the blog and meeting such a vast array of women from different walks of life, I have become so much more moderate in my views. I can see now that it’s not as clear a choice for everyone, and that bottle-feeding isn’t the Great Evil that some “lactivists” make it out to be. I’m not about pushing mothers into breastfeeding or making them feel bad if they don’t – I just want to help those who wish to do it.


2. Do you have a ‘grand plan’?  Do you think this has changed at all over the years?
Oh goodness, it’s changed more times than I care to remember. I am somewhat of a Madonna – constantly reinventing myself, my plans and my life (although this trait has settled down considerably since having the kidlets). Since I was at school, I have wanted to be: a singer, an actress, a writer, a midwife, a body piercer, a photographer, a doula, a traveller, a teacher, a librarian, a burlesque dancer, a DJ and a market stall owner. Out of all of those, the first five are the only ones I keep coming back to. Maybe one day I’ll be all five… watch this space.


In all honesty, I don’t think I could ever have a grand plan. I am just not one of those people who can pick a path and stick to it. I crave change; I need it. The only career I have ever wanted, that couldn’t possibly get bored of, is a career in the performing arts.  Singing is my first love, followed closely by acting. They are The Ones That Got Away, and although I love the life I have chosen, I will always wonder what would have happened if I had believed in myself a little more and gone after my dreams when I was a young ‘un.

3. What gets you up in the mornings?
I am usually awoken by a soft, warm little person either attempting to latch onto my elbow or hitting me squarely in the face. Either way, I open my eyes to a gorgeous, smiling little Squishy. I swear he is the happiest baby in the world. Occasionally my older boy, Monkey, is already awake and I will hear him chatting away to himself and his toys on the monitor. There have been times in my life (and I’m sure there will be more) at which I have struggled to find a reason to get out of bed in the morning but my beautiful, amazing, inspiring, exasperating children are the very best motivation.


4. Run us through a typical kind of day.
A typical kind of day for us is not overly exciting, to be honest. Life with two small children is far too busy for any kind of excitement or spontaneity!  We usually leave the house at some point – either for a playdate at a friend's house, a baby or toddler group, or just a mooch around town. Wednesdays are my favourite day – that’s when I volunteer at our local breastfeeding support group. I absolutely love talking to the new mums and helping them with their breastfeeding queries  - and having snuggles with their cute little babies, of course! Nothing makes me happier than knowing that I’ve made a positive difference to somebody’s nursing experience. However, I have to say I feel equally warm and fuzzy when a woman feels able to talk to me about the possibility of combination feeding their babies, or that she is considering switching to formula altogether. I know that making the choice to formula feed, partially or completely, is a weighty decision that can attract the kind of judgemental comments that no mother needs or deserves.  Knowing that a woman feels safe enough with me to be able to talk about that is very humbling.


5. When you experience a setback, how do you pick yourself back up again?
I think all you can really do is forge on ahead, regardless of how the setback makes you feel. I find that writing things down, or talking them through with someone really helps.  At the end of the day, all we can do is push on ahead. Time waits for no man. The thing that sets me back the most is when I allow my workload to get on top of me. The best thing to do in that situation is to write everything down that I need to do, and tackle just one or two points right there and then. Nothing makes me feel less overwhelmed than being able to tick a couple things off the list.


6. Who or what inspires you the most?
I never cease to be inspired by the women whose blogs I read on a regular basis. Their witty and intelligent work inspires me to try to be a better writer, and their eloquent, honest and sometimes hilarious stories of life with their kids, self-exploration and musings on various aspects of parenting inspire me to be a better person and a better mum. 


Away from motherhood and blogging, I am inspired by the selfless, patient, forgiving and limitless love of my husband. I never thought I’d find somebody who would take everything I could throw at him and still want to be around me regardless. I am a lucky girl indeed.

Alternative Mama as an innocent babe!

7. We all have bad days when we doubt our abilities and ourselves. How do you get through yours?
This is something I really struggle with. When I started out blogging, I didn’t realise what a thick skin you have to have in order to get through. Of course, on the blogs I follow I would see negative comments pop up every now and then but for some reason it didn’t occur to me that I would get negative comments. In my perfectionist manner, I just assumed I would somehow figure out how to please everybody and all would be well (I bet you can guess how that turned out!).


I’ve learnt now that, no matter how moderate and fair you are, you are always going to upset somebody so you might as well be true to yourself in the meantime. Being the sensitive person that I am, I will likely always take negative comments to heart - so I just try my best to remember that if you’re not pissing anybody off, you’re not doin’ it right (and that’s totally true, by the way). Talking it over with somebody helps to get a little perspective, but the best thing I think you can do is take a deep breath, physically ground yourself and just let it go as best you can. Surrounding yourself with positive people is always helpful – they will help you see the wonderful things about yourself when you are incapable of seeing them for yourself.


8. What do you feel are your greatest achievements and why?
My children. They are such beautiful little people. I suppose they aren’t really an achievement of mine, though. They are who they are in spite of me, not because of me. 


I know lots of people wouldn’t think of this as an achievement, but I feel pretty proud of how my home birth turned out. I know that Mother Nature is a powerful lady and sometimes even the best-laid birth plans go awry, but I am pretty proud of myself for squeezing out a human being onto my living room floor without any pain relief or intervention. That’s not to say that medicated or medically managed births are not something to be proud of – they certainly are!  Bringing forth life into the world is always something to be proud of, no matter how the babe makes their entrance.


It’s not really One Big Achievement but I do feel collectively proud of the achievements of our breastfeeding group. I was one of the first group of Peer Supporters trained in our area and we opened our town’s Breastfeeding Support Group 3 years ago. We have had so much positive feedback, and when women say that if it wasn’t for our group they wouldn’t have continued breastfeeding, it makes me feel quietly proud. Knowing that you have made a positive difference to somebody’s life (and the long-term health of a child) is quite an incredible feeling.


9. Tell us what you think constitutes a “Super Woman” and list 3 key ingredients for success.
I think all mothers are Super Women as standard. Before having children I had no. freaking. idea. how hard raising kids was. In my family, having children was always seen as the thing you did if you were too stupid or lazy to get an education or a Real Job. I felt a bit like I was copping out when I chose to have kids. Oh, how wrong I was. 


I think the three key ingredients for success (whether that is success in staying sane whilst raising happy kids, success in your education or in your job) are as follows – 

• Determination. Never give up. I know it sounds really cheesy but it’s true. Never ever allow the word “failure” to enter your vocabulary or your mind. If something is important to you, keep trying. Sometimes you might have to remind yourself why your goal is important to you, which brings me onto my next point…
• Support. It really does take a village. Allow others to help and support you in ways that are useful to you. That doesn’t mean letting them do the hard work for you – it means allowing them to ease the burden, freeing up energy for you to pursue your goals and do what makes you happy. It means surrounding yourself with people who believe in you enough to make you believe in yourself when you hit a wall and don’t feel as though you can carry on.
• Always, always be true to yourself. Don’t ever try to live up to someone else’s expectations of you – and definitely never try to live up to your own, unrealistic expectations of yourself. Don’t try to be somebody else. You are beautiful, amazing, incredible, unique and wonderful just as you are. We each have a gift to give to the world and a legacy to leave – find yours.

10. Final words of wisdom?
Happiness and contentment are things that you will only find within yourself. Don’t rely on others to give you these things, and don’t expect any one thing to fulfil you completely. Recognise and embrace the fact that that you are unique, and not comparable. And when you figure out how to do these things, for heavens sake let me know ;)  


If you want to read more of Imogen’s musings, you can find her at her blog, Alternative Mama, where she rambles about parenting, breastfeeding, childbirth, alternative lifestyle and other topics pertaining to modern alternative families.  You can also follow her on Twitter, and join the conversation at her active Facebook community.

Do you know someone who fits the bill of Super Woman? Even yourself - don't be shy! If you would like to take part or recommend a friend, please send a message with the details to me at giveanearthly at gmail dot com.

How to be a Super Woman: Meet MJ from Wander Wonder Discover...

1. Tell us about yourself
Hello!! I'm MJ :). I'm a momma, a wife, an introvert with a love for learning. I'm a wanna be writer working hard to find some sensibility in the variability that life throws our way. I stay home and unschool my 2 dark-haired, dark-eyed sun babies (8 and 6), who are the greatest teachers that I have ever known. The man I married I've known since I was 16. I knew then there was something very special about him. Yet, I never predicted we would be here, 24 years later, happy and turning grey together. I am the luckiest woman I know. 


We live an active, unschooled life in central Florida with our 2 rats Remy and Spud. None of us started out as unschoolers, and that is a large part of our life unfolding and unfurling. The floodgates opened as we turned our backs on traditional and mainstream thinking. Everything changed, how we parented, how we perceived our children, how we perceived ourselves, our reconciliation and understanding of how we were raised, and our understanding of learning and how our children learned. I cannot even begin to tell you how profoundly our lives have changed for the better. Profoundly. We have only just begun to reap the benefits of the life we have decided to lead and that is what I love to share on my blog. So with peaceful parenting in one pocket, and unschooling or life learning in the other, we have set out to give our children a life filled with unlimited opportunity.  


2. Do you have a grand plan?
Grand plans have changed many times over the years. But our current plan is to sell our house and move out of Florida. We seek a place that feeds us spiritually as well as fills our need for diversity and cultural richness. We love the green, the trees, the forests, the mountains, but as unschoolers we know we want to be able to feed our minds as well as our souls. As far as personal growth plans, I just want to keep creating, keep writing, and keep doing the things that keep my passion fires alive.  

3. What gets you up in the morning?
I have a wonderful life to wake up to. I have everything I need and all that I could have ever wanted, so waking up is joy every morning. I am not blinded to how my life could have been, and I have not forgotten where I have been. The terrible storms I have traversed in my life were hell, and I don't ever want to visit that place of despair again.  Self hatred, shame, anger, depression, addiction, I have reconciled all those things with hours of self- healing, on my own and with help. For anyone ever having to deal with any of these things, either individually or all at once, there is light on the other side. And it's true what they say, "what doesn't kill you will make you stronger." Much stronger. But the journey never ends with the conquering of one personal demon. Where there is one, there are more to follow. This is when purpose through people, passion, and creativity come in to play. By filling my life with these things, there is little room for despair. 


4. What does a typical day look like?
Soy latte first, always, then blogging and writing, which I love. After that, my children and I plan our day. I make suggestions, and we talk about ideas. They tell me what it is they would like to do and then we do our best to compromise and make things happen. I strive to find the interesting and joyful things that we can learn from. Many days we are out of the home all day, other days we never leave home. 


When we are home, we are reading or listening to books, trying a new game, playing with puzzles, practicing multiplication, writing in journals, practicing our letters, practicing our reading, cooking, doodling with pens, playing computer games, exploring through a microscope, aiming at an archery target, learning about animals, swimming in the pool, trying to catch bugs, hunting for fossils, looking up history facts, watching Mythbusters, Dirty Jobs, How It's Made or Brain Pop.  When we go out, we are visiting a factory, farm or nature reserve, going to the beach, going to summer camp, going to co-ops, going to plays or performances, going on a road trip, going to museums, visiting friends, going to the library or bookstore, going to the science centre or herpatarium. My own needs are important in our days as well. I make time to create whether it's to knit, sew, crochet, draw/doodle, art journal, and I read.  To ignore my own needs would be a big mistake and a poor representation to my children on importance of fulfilling our passions. So everyday is about making it work for all of us. We each give a little, we each take a little. The point is we all are getting something, and we all are helping each other get that something. We are a team.


5. When you experience a setback how do you pick yourself back up again?
The biggest setbacks I experience are usually emotional. Either I didn't get enough sleep, or didn't eat well, or my hormones are loopy.  On these days I have a shorter fuse and know I have to be gentler with myself and my kids. I make sure not to plan too much on those days and let the kids know that I am feeling "off". I might stay away from the computer too, as too much screen time tends to make me feel worse than better. Then I try to focus on my kids. No matter how bad of a day I am having, my children usually can help me snap out of it. When I look at life through their eyes, everything is much simpler. I am guilty of overanalysing, and over inflating issues. The kids bring me back down to earth and remind me that by staying in the present moment, things are never as heavy as they seem.  


6.  Who or what inspires you the most?
My children inspire me and my husband inspires me, of course. But I think the greatest source of inspiration I receive lately are moms. Mothers of all ages, stages and places.  Every mother I know works hard everyday at giving their family the best that they can give.  


I am so grateful to all the women who have committed to sharing something that they have learned on their journey in parent and person hood. Without their experiences most of us would be pretty lonely out here.

7. We all have bad days when we doubt ourselves and our abilities. How do you get through yours?
I have learned a lot about ego in the past several years. Ego is that voice inside that tells me that I have to do and be more, that I have to receive attention or be recognised, or that I have to be perfect. Ego, many times is that voice of doubt and fear that says "What are you doing?? You can't do that, you don't know what you are doing!" Sure I have doubts about what I put out there. These are the thoughts that push me in a corner and make me feel small. Yet I have learned that I have a choice in whether I listen to these thoughts or not. There has to come a point when I ask myself when I will be enough. I can decide today that I am exactly how I was meant to be, imperfect perfect in every form.  Or I can succumb to the self defeating thoughts leading to a self-fulfilling prophesy. There is so much freedom in accepting who we are now, exactly as we are, and loving every inch of ourselves inside and out. Once I accepted this about myself, I have no desire to be anyone else but me, and only do the best that I can do. Ambition takes on new meaning when this happens. It no longer means having to be better or achieve more than anyone else, it just means doing better for myself and for sheer passion and joy of it.


8.What do you feel are your greatest achievements and why?
My greatest achievements are overcoming the demons I mentioned earlier which included an eating disorder and exercise addiction. Everyday I thank the universe for my life and for the gifts that my struggles have given me. I have not looked back and I regret nothing. My marriage is my second greatest achievement. My husband is my rock and my best friend. There is no other person out there that gets me like he gets me. He will own my heart forever. Third, my relationship with my children. This was a hard fought battle that involved looking at my own ingrained beliefs that I had developed from my own childhood. Our children are mirrors that reflect our own imbedded hurts from our past. I never imagined my life with children to be like it is now. They are my best friends, my inspiration, my joy. They have taught me how to be a better mom and a better person. They, too, will own my heart forever. 


9. Tell us what you think constitutes a "Super Woman" and list 3 key ingredients for success.
A Super Woman is I think, quite opposite from that woman flying in a cape. There is no bravado, no cheering crowd, no recognition or key to the city. Super women are the grunts in the trenches doing what needs to be done to keep things going. Most super women I know are moms working hard everyday to be better for their children and their families. They are modest yet strong, humble yet unyielding, knowing what's exactly right for their own family. Super women aren't afraid to make mistakes. They ask for help, knowing that most successful people always had help. Super woman accept the bad with the good, knowing everything has it's own time. Super women never lose sight of that little girl inside, remembering that she has needs too. Super woman are ever changing and ever evolving, knowing that stagnation is not an option. They walk a delicate line between seeking joy for themselves and everyone they love, yet still remembering to savour the precious minutes that go by.


If I had to pick ingredients to super woman success, they would be these:

• Humility 
• Kindness/Compassion
• Authenticity
• Strength of character/Integrity

One last thought...


In a world that is constantly trying to separate each of us from the other, either by the way we look, by what we have or don’t have, by what we can or can’t do, I say look for the things that make us more alike. We all want the same things, we all need the same things - love, compassion, kindness, and connection.  


Thanks so much Zoe!!!




Thank you MJ! You can find MJ over on her blog, Wander Wonder Discover.

Do you know someone who fits the bill of Super Woman? Even yourself - don't be shy! If you would like to take part or recommend a friend, please send a message with the details to me at giveanearthly at gmail dot com.

Mastering Love and Fear

Fear vs Life

I've been thinking a lot about happiness this year. Well, it's a recurring theme for us all really isn't it? Every day is evaluated by how well we think things are going for us, how lucky we are, what pitfalls have stopped us short (or temporarily holed us), what achievements we've managed despite the competition/weather/economical situation etc etc etc.


Is it me or has it all gone quiet on the "David Cameron wants to know how happy you are" front? Popping over to the Office for National Statistics site, I see that they're now in the process of evaluating all your comments and "expect to report on the findings of the debate in July 2011". Oooh, I can't wait.


Yes, you did read that right, the cynicism in my tone. Not usually noted for being so (I tend to believe cynicism is self-destructive and pointless), I can't help it in this case. I will be genuinely interested to hear the "results"; however I do believe the subject of the country's happiness, and particularly the method for gathering information on it, is not something we are exactly experts at on the whole. Quite apart from us being duly noted worldwide as "a bunch of whinging poms", there is the small matter of the questions you were asked. Sadly I can't see the questionnaire now it's closed, but I remember looking at it a few months back and seeing the same old leading questions on health, housing, economy etc etc etc. Well, you say, aren't they what's important? Well, dear reader, that's rather up to you. But my point is, that by forcing you to answer questions on such topics, they are making you feel as if they ARE important to you, whether they really are or not. 


The political satire Yes, Prime Minister, gives a wonderful sketch demonstrating how leading questions can achieve either a "yay" or a "nay" from you in the same sitting:

But at risk of encouraging mass egocentricity, if you were to forget about all our societal structures, can you make an honest and raw appraisal of your real happiness goals? Or do you struggle to think outside the confines of those structures? In his blog, the Moneyless Man Mark Boyle claims we are all "addicted to civilisation". Defining addiction in his own terms as "'any behavioural pattern that persists despite the person being aware that it is harming their physical, mental, emotional or spiritual well-being and/or is killing them'", he summarises that

"Addicts effectively keep refusing to let something much more fulfilling into their lives, probably because they no longer have a real sense of how good life could be without [their fix]."

Now I happen to know a family member who fits this bill exactly: her life revolves around the negative and what kind of sensation she can cause or glean from it, whilst at the same time bemoaning how torrid her life is. She happens to be a particularly case, but we are all guilty of it.

David Sye of Yogabeats

Similarly, on his Yogabeats blog, David Sye also speaks of 'addiction', this time to "life as an item", where 

"Western life is built around the ability and concept of controlling everything.  For we are terrified by what we cannot control, so life itself poses a real threat"

Attacking those age-old hang-ups we all succumb to ("I can't do A until X, Y and Z happens.."), Sye rightly points out that 

"Nothing NEEDS TO HAPPEN for you to remember that you are life itself, showing up (whether you like it or not!) through the little idea of who you imagine yourself to be."

Whilst I agree wholeheartedly with both takes on this essential message, Sye really nails it for me in outlining his current workshop From the Mastery of Fear to the Mastery of Love. He claims we have to learn how to:

"recognise the addiction we have to the "emergency emotions" of fear and our emotional wounds and how and why they keep repeating throughout our lives, until we learn the cognitive skills that can transform us from the mastery of fear to the mastery of love".

In other words, before we can selflessly care 100% about the planet or even how much "civilisation is killing us", most of us will need to look to ourselves first. Honestly, openly, and without preconceptions, excuses or prefabricated societal constructs.

Anyone who knows me knows I can preach till the cows come home about finding your true place in life no matter what. I annoy my friends and family daily with my evangelicism whilst struggling myself with the subject. A wise teacher I once knew said that we all study what we are most lacking in ourselves. It's so true. But nobody said the path to "happiness" was finite. The route between mastering "fear" and "love" is completely organic, flowing, elusive at times, confusing and often changeable. So nobody - no government official, no yoga master, no psychiatrist or teacher or parent or friend can TELL you where to find your own happiness. You have to go looking for it yourself.

What will you choose?

If you need guidance you won't be short of finding some on the web. Start off by checking out The Happiness Project, Blacksburg Belle and The Goddess Guidebook. But ultimately you've got to follow your own intuition. Those who lead the happiest lives (and recognise it) have found what works best for them and are always open to re-evaluating that, within certain limits. For example, whilst some days I dream of running away to join the circus and somewhat lessening my responsibilities, in my saner moments I acknowledge that such a move would only make me temporarily "happy" at best, thereafter reducing me to a life of misery and regret.


I feel that personal happiness in today's world can be best achieved through an alchemical mixture of self-control and empowerment: learn to recognise what you love and what works for you within your given limitations (see above!) but don't over-indulge (or at least not too often). And allow yourself to feel empowered, strong, capable. All too often our best efforts are belittled in one way or another - it is not a British trait to "be proud" of yourself. But proud (not gloating or domineering) you must be. You've come this far, you've achieved this much. You are you and nobody else. Of course you should be proud.


And don't think for a minute that I'm saying you should all do what you like and forget about community values and the state of the world at large. Of course I'm also appealing to your moral nature and societal values. And I'm also trusting that you will find the balance "between constructive attempts at greater self-knowledge and pointless rumination" and not go down the self-destructive path of "overthinking". 


Learn to master your fears; learn to master your loves. Learn to be you.

How to be a Super Woman: Meet Gina from Happily Poddling Along...

1. Hi! Tell us a bit about yourself
If you break down my days I'm primarily a mother (my daughter, Midi is three and a half and my son, Mini is three months) and home-maker. However, I tend to fill every spare minute with something and as an avid crafter I always have several creative projects on the go too, some of which are usually freelance graphic design jobs. Just in case I ever get bored I also help run the local parent & toddler group, the local play group and the home birth support group, and there's also the charity myself and few others are in the process of setting up to support parents with learning disabilities.


I've worked as a doula since 2005 and as a breastfeeding peer supporter since last year and although I'm currently officially on maternity leave I still regularly talk to expectant parents on the phone and volunteer at the local breastfeeding support group and parent-craft classes. I originally trained as a graphic designer and have continued to undertake freelance design jobs as and when too.

Vintage dress for a toddler, Made by Gina.

2. Do you have a 'grand plan'? Do you think this has changed at all over the years?
There is always a grand plan, otherwise I'd have nothing to work towards! It has evolved over time and I'm sure it always will, but these days there is a lot more enjoyment of the here and now and a lot less pressure to get somewhere else. There was a moment a couple of years ago when I realised all my big dreams had come true – I had a wonderful life partner, a child (now two, which is even better), a job I adored (being a doula) and we'd found our dream home (a gorgeous 200 year old stone cottage in the country, with land and woods to work). I still have things I really want to do, such as actually make some money from my crafting and further into the future to train as a midwife, but it feels as though the Big Things have already been achieved so in some ways the pressure is off. That's not to say I'm complacent, but I am able to really appreciate the things I have now and enjoy these precious times with my young family without yearning too much for what I may be able to achieve in the future. I actually have to hold myself back from grieving for the loss of these magical (if manic) days before they have passed so, for now, my grand plan is to make the most of now and create the wonderful memories that will make me smile for the rest of my days.


3. What gets you up in the morning?
My kids, literally, usually at the crack of dawn. And then I grunt and thump around until the lovely Dr Poddle hands me a cup of tea and I gradually begin the metamorphosis into something more human. In the psychological sense, it's usually the latest creative project and the hope that maybe today I'll get a slice of time to devote to it that gives me that little extra oomph when I'm dozy-headed and craving more time under the covers.


4. Run us through a typical kind of day
After a start much like the one above we'll run through the morning mayhem of getting us and the kids breakfasted and dressed, the dog walked and fed, the chickens out and fed and anything else sorted. On the days when Midi goes to the local play group I drop her off after Dr Poddle has left for work (unless the timings work out for her to do the dropping off) then it's either home to attempt to keep on top of the chores with a bit of crafting/designing/interwebbing thrown in if the time/baby/inspiration is present, or we're out running errands or meeting up with folk. On the days when Midi is home based then the day will be some random mix up of shared activities like baking or child-centred craft and independent play for her while I try to keep the cogs going around the house as well. I've been surprised at how easily Mini, our three month old has fitted in to everything. He really does. He just comes along with me when out and happily watches me get on with things at home as long as he gets plenty of chat and feeding in between. I know I'm extremely lucky to have such a chilled out baby and although life still feels chaotic, I know it could be much worse.

Wax Crayon Batik: Gina has fun crafting on her blog

By mid-afternoon I'm starting to get my head into how to play out the evening. Midi is an early riser and if she doesn't have her tea by 5 and be moving into bedtime by 6-ish then we risk some serious tantrums and a much more interrupted night, so the clock starts to tick about 4:30. I used to really enjoy our family meal times but they just don't seem to fit her pattern at the moment given that Dr Poddle usually gets home from work not much before 6. So, kiddy tea happens, then Dr Poddle returns and we take it in turns to help Midi to bed: bath, stories and cuddles. Then we get to chill out, eat, and catch up with each other whilst cooing over Mini. Our evenings these days usually involve watching some TV or DVDs as a way to wind down and I'll usually be doing something crafty at the same time.


Weekends are the fun times and can involve anything. We try to give each other at least a little bit of child-free time every weekend, even if it's just an hour or so. Often we'll see friends, but we also really enjoy spending quality time at home. There's a lot of work to be done planting, caring for the animals, keeping up our wood stores etc so we're not short of things to do.

Cradling. View more of Gina's birth art here.

5. When you experience a setback how do you pick yourself back up again?
I had to think about this one. I have to find a way to lessen my emotional attachment to the setback, whatever it may be. I often find this quite easy to do by remembering the faith I have in the universe providing whatever I need, whether or not I can see why or how at the time. So faith plays quite a big part in it for me. My faith has evolved a lot in the last ten years or so and I now identify broadly as a pagan leaning in a shamanism direction, but the specifics fluctuate and combine many other things too. I don't undertake much ritual or formal practice but life and the universe now has a structure in my mind and heart that resonates with my soul and that brings me a lot of peace.
Once I'm able to see the setback more objectively it's usually possible to figure out a solution. Talking things through with my very wise Dr Poddle is often helpful as well. She's very good at cutting through crap, whether it be mine or anyone else's so she's a great sounding board.


6. Who or what inspires you the most?
Gosh, all kinds of people and things! I've become increasingly addicted to other craft blogs so I'm always stumbling across amazing ideas for practical things I want to make or do too. I also find my daughter's creativity to be truly inspirational so engineering environments where we can be creative together is something I love to do and gives me plenty of inspiration – I'm sure it will be the same with my son in due course. I'm also blessed with an amazing network of friends and colleagues from the world of doulaing/home/natural birthing and deep, engaged conversation with these wise women (and the odd man) helps fill my soul and keep me energised.

Experimenting with finger labyrinths

7. We all have bad days when we doubt ourselves and our abilities. How do you get through yours?
I usually run crying to Dr Poddle who gives me the cuddles and pep talk that I need. My sister and one of my cousins also get leaned on if I need them – and I try to offer the same in return. So seeking support is usually my first action. I don't seem to have a problem asking for help which is a good thing for me, though possibly not for everyone else... Other than that, it's a faith thing again. That deep rooted belief that the universe knows what it's doing, and if it doesn't then there's nothing I can do about it so I might as well make the most of what I can gets me through.


8. What do you feel are your greatest achievements and why?
Somehow managing to manifest my dreams by my early thirties, particularly conceiving, carrying and home birthing two wonderful children with dodgy fertility and the need for donated sperm ranks high. I've also felt enormous satisfaction from some of my doula work: witnessing someone go from anxious and fearful to an informed, empowered, roaring birthing goddess and knowing I may have helped play a part in that transformation makes me very happy.


9. Tell us what you think constitutes a "Super Woman" and list 3 key ingredients for success.
Most of the women I know are superwomen! A couple of months ago I met up with a group of about 8 friends for a group lunch with our assorted kids, all under 6. It was only afterwards that I realised that all but one of them was also either running or setting up their own business or enterprise as well as being the primary carer for their children and keeping a household ticking over. It made me feel very proud of all of us, even though we all run round like headless chickens most of the time to do it. Some of them even manage to look extremely glamorous while doing it, unlike me who wears make-up maybe twice a year and regularly goes out forgetting to brush my hair or even look in a mirror to make sure my top is on the right way round (it isn't always).


As for ingredients for success I'd say that setting reasonable goals, nurturing oneself (in whatever ways work for you) and doing one thing that makes you happy for every one thing you do that feels a chore would be a good start. Now I just need to remember those things myself...


10. Final words of wisdom?
Just surrender to the present. It's a beautiful place to be and so easy to miss.


You can find Gina over on her blog and her doula, graphic design and craft sites.

Do you know someone who fits the bill of Super Woman? Even yourself - don't be shy! If you would like to take part or recommend a friend, please send a message with the details to me at giveanearthly at gmail dot com.