10 Things You Didn't Know About My Alter Ego

1930s Simple Glamour

In another life... I find myself thinking this more and more at the moment. I feel stuck, despondent, impatient, and thoroughly fed up. I'm tired of counting my blessings - I have many, yes, but right now they are not shining brightly enough for me. The world is grey and cold and I long for some of the erstwhile technicolor glory to come back to me... a sparkling Autumn day filled with orange leaves and clear blue skies; a bracing, windswept run along the coast, sandwiched between emerald, gold and slate; an inky, snow-swelled atmosphere embracing a cluster of silhouetted houses which twinkle out messages of their inner cosiness and joy.


In another life, I am a 1930s heroine who

• Is always impeccably, yet effortlessly and simply, well dressed
• Has gorgeous, long, glossy hair which can be easily put up into a range of styles
• Sleeps in a large, comfortable bed with crisp, clean sheets and a soft, fluffy eiderdown - all of which is thoroughly aired daily (preferably in a strong mountain breeze)
• Regularly "takes tea" with her lady friends and is much admired for her baking prowess
• Secretly attends underground meetings of the intelligentsia and radicals
• Drives an Austin Ruby or a Morgan
• Despite my natural elegance, is known as a bit of a tomboy who likes to "muck in" with the boys and kids!
• Has enough energy and vitality to undertake at least 90% of her tasks, projects and dreams with vigour and see them through
• Lives modestly but well, travels extensively and as the mood takes, and can afford to be impetuous
• Is a good, loyal and generous friend, hospitable to the nth degree and can be relied on for anything

So... anyone got a time machine?

Mastering Love and Fear

Fear vs Life

I've been thinking a lot about happiness this year. Well, it's a recurring theme for us all really isn't it? Every day is evaluated by how well we think things are going for us, how lucky we are, what pitfalls have stopped us short (or temporarily holed us), what achievements we've managed despite the competition/weather/economical situation etc etc etc.


Is it me or has it all gone quiet on the "David Cameron wants to know how happy you are" front? Popping over to the Office for National Statistics site, I see that they're now in the process of evaluating all your comments and "expect to report on the findings of the debate in July 2011". Oooh, I can't wait.


Yes, you did read that right, the cynicism in my tone. Not usually noted for being so (I tend to believe cynicism is self-destructive and pointless), I can't help it in this case. I will be genuinely interested to hear the "results"; however I do believe the subject of the country's happiness, and particularly the method for gathering information on it, is not something we are exactly experts at on the whole. Quite apart from us being duly noted worldwide as "a bunch of whinging poms", there is the small matter of the questions you were asked. Sadly I can't see the questionnaire now it's closed, but I remember looking at it a few months back and seeing the same old leading questions on health, housing, economy etc etc etc. Well, you say, aren't they what's important? Well, dear reader, that's rather up to you. But my point is, that by forcing you to answer questions on such topics, they are making you feel as if they ARE important to you, whether they really are or not. 


The political satire Yes, Prime Minister, gives a wonderful sketch demonstrating how leading questions can achieve either a "yay" or a "nay" from you in the same sitting:

But at risk of encouraging mass egocentricity, if you were to forget about all our societal structures, can you make an honest and raw appraisal of your real happiness goals? Or do you struggle to think outside the confines of those structures? In his blog, the Moneyless Man Mark Boyle claims we are all "addicted to civilisation". Defining addiction in his own terms as "'any behavioural pattern that persists despite the person being aware that it is harming their physical, mental, emotional or spiritual well-being and/or is killing them'", he summarises that

"Addicts effectively keep refusing to let something much more fulfilling into their lives, probably because they no longer have a real sense of how good life could be without [their fix]."

Now I happen to know a family member who fits this bill exactly: her life revolves around the negative and what kind of sensation she can cause or glean from it, whilst at the same time bemoaning how torrid her life is. She happens to be a particularly case, but we are all guilty of it.

David Sye of Yogabeats

Similarly, on his Yogabeats blog, David Sye also speaks of 'addiction', this time to "life as an item", where 

"Western life is built around the ability and concept of controlling everything.  For we are terrified by what we cannot control, so life itself poses a real threat"

Attacking those age-old hang-ups we all succumb to ("I can't do A until X, Y and Z happens.."), Sye rightly points out that 

"Nothing NEEDS TO HAPPEN for you to remember that you are life itself, showing up (whether you like it or not!) through the little idea of who you imagine yourself to be."

Whilst I agree wholeheartedly with both takes on this essential message, Sye really nails it for me in outlining his current workshop From the Mastery of Fear to the Mastery of Love. He claims we have to learn how to:

"recognise the addiction we have to the "emergency emotions" of fear and our emotional wounds and how and why they keep repeating throughout our lives, until we learn the cognitive skills that can transform us from the mastery of fear to the mastery of love".

In other words, before we can selflessly care 100% about the planet or even how much "civilisation is killing us", most of us will need to look to ourselves first. Honestly, openly, and without preconceptions, excuses or prefabricated societal constructs.

Anyone who knows me knows I can preach till the cows come home about finding your true place in life no matter what. I annoy my friends and family daily with my evangelicism whilst struggling myself with the subject. A wise teacher I once knew said that we all study what we are most lacking in ourselves. It's so true. But nobody said the path to "happiness" was finite. The route between mastering "fear" and "love" is completely organic, flowing, elusive at times, confusing and often changeable. So nobody - no government official, no yoga master, no psychiatrist or teacher or parent or friend can TELL you where to find your own happiness. You have to go looking for it yourself.

What will you choose?

If you need guidance you won't be short of finding some on the web. Start off by checking out The Happiness Project, Blacksburg Belle and The Goddess Guidebook. But ultimately you've got to follow your own intuition. Those who lead the happiest lives (and recognise it) have found what works best for them and are always open to re-evaluating that, within certain limits. For example, whilst some days I dream of running away to join the circus and somewhat lessening my responsibilities, in my saner moments I acknowledge that such a move would only make me temporarily "happy" at best, thereafter reducing me to a life of misery and regret.


I feel that personal happiness in today's world can be best achieved through an alchemical mixture of self-control and empowerment: learn to recognise what you love and what works for you within your given limitations (see above!) but don't over-indulge (or at least not too often). And allow yourself to feel empowered, strong, capable. All too often our best efforts are belittled in one way or another - it is not a British trait to "be proud" of yourself. But proud (not gloating or domineering) you must be. You've come this far, you've achieved this much. You are you and nobody else. Of course you should be proud.


And don't think for a minute that I'm saying you should all do what you like and forget about community values and the state of the world at large. Of course I'm also appealing to your moral nature and societal values. And I'm also trusting that you will find the balance "between constructive attempts at greater self-knowledge and pointless rumination" and not go down the self-destructive path of "overthinking". 


Learn to master your fears; learn to master your loves. Learn to be you.

The Art of Tapas: Through Yoga, Birth and Life

Today I am acutely aware of every single muscle in my body because they all ache. After not managing to get to a yoga class (and by god there's no space on the boat to do it!) for approximately 2 months, I threw myself in at the deep end and attended a whole day workshop plus my normal ashtanga class this weekend. On top of that I've still not got back into it properly after having baby Earthly no. 2 so I am well down on my performance.


And while I know I shouldn't beat myself up about that, it's really hard not to. Not only is my stamina and general ability lowered, but I find that my post-pregnant body has changed: I now find some asanas a lot more difficult or uncomfortable. I find this strange as post-first-birth I really didn't notice much difference (other than the obvious lack of core muscles!). 


However, Richard Adamo's workshop was the perfect place for me to start. He talked of two tenets of the Eight Limbs of Yoga: Tapas - 'heat', perseverence, austerity - and Samtosa - contentment. He explained that whilst we should work hard in our practice, with 'heat', we should remain mindful and balance our desire to do our best with also being content with our own personal achievements, however small they may seem from the outside. The idea is not to feel as if we must force ourselves into the 'perfect' position, but work with our own bodies and minds to achieve what we can, and to be happy with that.


And it struck me that this was not just a yoga lesson but that these principles are applicable across the board. In particular the idea of Tapas resonated with my feelings on giving birth naturally. I have long felt in my yoga practice that what keeps me going - whether it's the 56th sun-salute of the day or sinking into a position even deeper with every breath) is a burning desire to do the best my body is capable of, regardless of the protests issuing in my mind. It was exactly the same feelings I had when giving birth. I could so easily have given into the fear, the pain, but at my core I didn't want to and I focussed instead on every moment (not the goal, for if we look to the top of a hill whilst climbing it, we feel like giving up) and every breath. And by doing that, as in a yoga posture, you achieve almost without realising. Through both births this is what I experienced. Gently forcing myself into breathing through every moment, every contraction, every inner doubt and every screaming thought of "I can't do this!" until, suddenly, I had done it, and there, being passed up between my legs, was the proof!


I feel strongly that we could use the idea of Tapas more in our everyday lives. I would love to see this kind of empowering talk being brought into antenatal sessions. Crazy idea? I don't think so. Because you know what? Giving birth is not so much about anatomy or how apart the contractions are or even how fit you are; it's about a mindset. Getting yourself into that alpha state where you are free, without external distractions, to do your animal thing. And most importantly, to believe in yourself, your body to do this. That is the bit most women (and partners!) need drilled into them. We are surrounded in our culture with negativity - about birth, about the economy, about our purpose in life - and that needs to be balanced out before we can relinquish ourselves wholly to the task in hand.


Of course it's so easy to take the principle of Tapas and use it to be hard on ourselves - or worse, to judge others. Emma Silverman, over in The Joy of Yoga, warns us that:

"The balance of contentment and effort is important in asana practice. If we force (in life and in asana) we often do more harm than good. As teachers, it's important to stay mindful of how we move our students into asana. Instead of demonstrating or cueing students to the 'ideal' or most advanced level of any given pose and then giving modifications, start gently and give advancements."

Work within your own limitations; learn to balance true effort with contentment at your own small achievements; be happy with the results. A wise lesson indeed.

The Cat's Pyjamas

I have two joint obsessions at the moment: yoga and fashion design. And I rather think the two go hand in hand very well indeed! It's all about the body, and the amazing things we can do with it- I find the possibilities incredibly empowering and sensual, and that's without even thinking about the S word.


My new favourite person has to be the inimitable Gill Cockwell (a.k.a. Gilly Woo). Not that I normally hold with being hung up on celebrities in the slightest, but she's so, well, normal, and she fits right in with my joint fads of the moment. You see, she's not just a stupendous designer, she has real brains behind that there talent. She acknowledges the fashion industry is both "a bitch" and "a fairytale" but ultimitately it's up to us as individuals to recognise that and make our own minds up about how we want to look, feel and act: 

"I want people to accept, and make the very best of, the life they have instead of mourning for one they don’t. I want people, individuals, (not the fashion industry) to stop placing so much emphasis on how they look or what brand of handbag they carry or what generation their iphone is."

How can you not agree with such solid common sense? So whilst I was already in awe of Ms Woo for her sexy, sensuous and glamorous designs which mould to and hold every curve and feminine wile you may possess, I now find she holds a special place in my heart for being such a solid, down-to-earth thinker as well. I wish in reality we could all be so self-aware and self-confident though. For me that's where yoga comes into the equation. Bonkers it may seem, but through yoga you get to know and explore the possibilities of your own body intimately, and you learn to push yourself (gently of course), because through pushing yourself you see rapid achievements, both in body strength and tone, and in bodily confidence and poise. 


I've recently started to teach myself (with the aid of some excellent books) how to draw for fashion design. It's like a concentrated, fast-track, life-drawing class. Through exploration of the body's structure and make-up you quickly learn about proportion and how to create a realistic representation of the body from the inside out. It reminds me of a life-drawing course I did years ago at Edinburgh College of Art. I couldn't believe that at the end of the week I could actually draw something that looked like a real person and not a bad caricature!


I'm not getting as much time to spend on it as I'd like (have you tried sketching whilst looking after a 3 month old?) but I am enjoying the bits of time I can snatch at it, and otherwise thinking about what I might try next. And of course, for my models I have been using some yoga videos which enable me to explore all those muscle groups from a variety of angles and poses, whilst allowing me the freedom to draw from both stills and moving pictures. What better way to indulge my joint fads and to thoroughly appreciate the human form and its wonders all the more?


I thoroughly recommend a good old back-to-basics look at the human body in this way. It really makes you appreciate your own assets anew, in a different light. So whether you're wearing a baggy old jumper or a fabulous ensemble designed exclusively for you and your personality, you should always feel like the cat's pyjamas...

Taking Charge and Feeling Revived

For the last year or so and in particular the past 6 months I have been physically, mentally and emotionally knackered. Exhausted, fatigued, pooped. Many are the reasons, not least that we had one small child 18 months ago and have recently added another. But I've been seriously so knackered I've considered all sorts - drugs, therapies, counselling... you name it. My pride has prevented me from going down any of these routes and in the end it has been the resolve to lose my baby-weight that has done the trick. Within a couple of weeks of eating more raw foods, cutting out bread and most wheat products and drastically reducing dairy and limiting treats significantly as well as drinking copious quantities of green tea and water, I already feel hugely energised and more mentally alert, positive and confident. I wouldn't have believed it possible.

Increasingly over the last few years I have started to believe in taking charge of my own health rather than tripping off to the doctor every time something seems amiss. This has not always been an easy road - far from it - but it seems to work for me on the whole. My biggest hurdle has been depression, not least over the last year or so whilst coping with the many and varied new responsibilities and demands of motherhood, coupled with another pregnancy (nevermind the hardships of living on a half-built canal boat in Winter with a toddler!). Whilst pregnant I was offered referral to NHS help, should I want it. I didn't. I know that I am the only one who can successfully manage my depression - drugs only numb and confuse and therapies make me dwell on the problem(s). My way of dealing with it has to be just to take the good days and the bad together, and get on with things as much as I can.

I do feel that as a society we must take more responsibility for ourselves, particularly in terms of our health. Empowerment is the key. Talk to any woman who has had a beautiful, natural home-birth and she will mention the enormous feeling of achievement and empowerment. The same goes for our general health. If we continue to defer our healthcare to those who hold no personal knowledge of us and whose expertise is heavily sponsored by the most dominant drug companies, how can we have confidence that we are finding the best solutions for ourselves? As a result we end up feeling belittled, insignificant, lost, and our healthcare issues go largely unresolved. We all have choices when it comes to caring for our own health, and I implore you to use them. Nobody can know you and your own unique health issues better than yourself, much like you know what kind of foods you like best, or which types of exercise you're most suited to. So go on, take charge and find the healthiest you you can!