Between Love and Fear: On Raising our Children Sensibly

Welcome to the July Carnival of Natural Parenting: Parenting Philosophy

This post was written for inclusion in the monthly Carnival of Natural Parenting hosted by Code Name: Mama and Hobo Mama. This month our participants have shared their parenting practices and how they fit in with their parenting purpose. Please read to the end to find a list of links to the other carnival participants.

***

Love over Fear

One day a few weeks ago, a good friend of mine was getting ready to go on holiday with his family. With just a few bits left to pack into the car and the kids running riot, he decided to pop the children into the car whilst they finished up.


Living where they do, their car is situated in a residential car park a little way from their house but within viewing distance, so whilst his wife finished up in the house, my friend took the kids to the car, locked it and then went back for the last few bits. On his return trip to the car (he'd left them for no more than 2 minutes), a woman absconded him and told him if she saw him do that again she'd refer the couple to social services: "You don't deserve to have children," she said. When he opened his mouth to reply in stupefaction, she snapped back "Don't even dare or I'll call them right now". So he had no choice but to wait where he was. Some minutes later his wife appeared, fully laden and rather cross at him for not coming to help - until he told her why.

-----------

When Father Earthly and I starting to think about raising a family, I found myself careering crazily between the much-promised delights of parenthood and an enormous gulf of fear. At times the fear threatened to overwhelm me completely and I couldn't comprehend how I could trust myself to look after such a small and fragile being - particularly as I wasn't even too good at looking after myself.

If you pay even one iota of attention to the Western media, then you may believe the world to be a very scary, dangerous place. A place where hazards of all shapes, colours and sizes are just waiting to jump out at your precious bundle of joy the moment you turn your back (or not in some cases). Ferocious (maybe even rabid) dogs and other assorted animals, omnipresent bacteria and viral infections/diseases, household medicines and chemicals, garden dirt, mindless motorists, small pieces that may or may not be included with your child's toys, and of course paedophiles and child-snatchers who may be lurking just behind those bushes or be luring them via their Facebook account.


I do not mean to trivialise such very-real dangers. As I said above, I was absolutely terrified of all of these things before having children. Interestingly though, since starting a family the fears have shrunk back to a more manageable size again. Perhaps it's because once you have kids there is simply too much to worry about, every second of every hour of every day. If we went around with adrenaline pumping out nineteen to the dozen we'd simply drop dead ourselves.


More than this, though, the simple act of having children - and particularly via home-birth - is so empowering and demands so much decision-making along the way that by the time I was holding my first precious bundle, I already knew that the best way I could care for him was to follow my instincts first and foremost, and take all offered advice with the merest dusting of salt.

Fear

One of the turning points came when I was browsing baby stuff online whilst still pregnant, and looking very seriously at purchasing a Gro-Egg room thermometer - one which turns blue if the room is too cold, or red if too warm. At the time we were living in a camper van and so I thought it could be quite useful as we don't have a central heating thermostat like most folks. And then I thought, "hang on, we live in a van - what the hell am I going to do if it IS too cold or too warm?" I started thinking about how recent baby thermometers are and how people have lived to this century just fine without them, in all kinds of hostile environments. So what on earth did I need one for? When baby actually came, we just used our common sense: if the temperature seemed a bit on the cold side, we'd put another layer on him, or light the stove, or both. Just like we would do with ourselves, only recognising that he was much smaller and newer and therefore a bit more sensitive. Same with bath water. And bedding. And being in the sun or the snow.


And looky-look, he's now survived two freezing Winters (the coldest on record as they love to tell us), first in a van and then a canal boat - both of which must have plummeted below -10°C on more than one occasion overnight once the stove had died down. His sister is also thriving on the same brand of common sense.


Throughout my first pregnancy and our first year or so of becoming parents, we were plagued by the fear-mongers; they throng around new parents like flies round excrement, offering up platters of apparently well-meaning advice, admonition and cause for alarm in equal measure. By the time our second was on its way we had gained in confidence, and were able to fend off the flies with a few well-placed swats. Yes, we live on a boat with no running water, central heating or walls/doors/child gates (as yet) - so what? Can your imagination not stretch far enough to see how we might overcome these challenges just as you might when camping? Yes, we regularly co-sleep with our children and never squish them despite our oft-sleep-deprived states of consciousness; yes, we follow baby-led-weaning and are always so proud to see our children's gag reflexes working perfectly when necessary; yes, we believe in an educational environment over a protective one - so instead of placing a gate at the bottom of the stairs, we repeatedly explain why they are out of bounds. 


Yes, we are always there to watch our children like hawks so the split-second they step into dangerous territory, we are there to catch them and to show and explain where they went wrong. And yes, it's exhausting! We are forever carrying, (re)moving and running after our children. But we feel it is better to instil in them now a sense of naturally-won self-confidence and common sense upon which they can draw in later life, than bringing up sheltered, naïve children who are likely to unknowingly take greater risks with potentially disastrous consequences as soon as they reach a state of independence.


But no, I will not overshadow their lives with wretched tales of caution and I will not prevent them from making their own mistakes; only guide them mindfully away from those mistakes as far as I am able. They will know of the hazards in the world and they will be proficient in using their own judgement as to how they should negotiate them in their everyday life. But they will not live their lives in fear, for such a life is not worth living at all.


So, had it been me, to the woman in the car park I would have said this: 

"No, I don't feel great leaving my kids alone in the car because I love them with every shred of my existence. And to be separated from them for even a moment is painful for me. I do appreciate and thank you for your concern, which is very community-minded of you. However, I do not subscribe to fear-mongering and my children will not be brought up to fear for their lives at every turn and twist in their life-adventures, simply because it is popular to do so. Rather I hope, they will use their own brains and follow their own instincts in life and take risks where they judge it to be safe enough because life is too short and precious to live in the constant fear that something untoward may happen." 

Of her callous, monochromatic and self-righteous, social-vigilante-style behaviour - and as a peaceable person myself - I can only hope that she is someday soon visited by Scrooge-like spirits who force her to see life, and everyone in it, anew and in a more positive, fearless light.

***

Visit Code Name: Mama and Hobo Mama to find out how you can participate in the next Carnival of Natural Parenting!
Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:
(This list will be live and updated by afternoon July 12 with all the carnival links.)

• Between Love and Fear: On Raising our Children Sensibly — Mamma Earthly at Give an Earthly discusses the fear factor in parenting and how she overcame it, despite societal pressures.
• really, when do i get my cape? — Sarah at small bird on fire is a working city mama trying to learn how to set aside her expectations of perfection and embrace the reality of modern parenting.
• Baby, Infant, and Toddler Wearing — Child wearing is part of Sarah at Nourished and Nurtured's parenting philosophy. In this post, Sarah describes benefits of child-wearing and gives tips for wearing babies, infants, and toddlers (even while pregnant).
• First Year Reflections — As her daughter's first birthday approaches, Holly at First Year Reflections reflects on how she and her husband settled into attachment parenting after initially doing what they thought everyone else did.
• Making an allowance — Lauren at Hobo Mama welcomes a guest post from Sam about the unexpected lessons giving a four-year-old an allowance teaches the child — and the parent.
• How to be a Lazy Parent and Still Raise Great Kids — Lisa at Granola Catholic talks about how being a Lazy Parent has helped her to raise Great Kids.
• Philosophy in Practice — Laura at A Pug in the Kitchen shares how her heart shaped the parenting philosophy in her home.
• What is Attachment Parenting Anyway? — Gaby at Tmuffin describes the challenges of putting a label on her parenting philosophy.
• Of Parenting Styles — Jenny at Chronicles of a Nursing Mom talks about how she and her husband tailored various parenting styles to fit their own preferred parenting philosophy.
• Moment by Moment Parenting — Amy at Peace 4 Parents encourages those who care for children (including herself) to explore and appreciate parenting moment-by-moment with clarity, intention, trust, and action.
• Maintaining Spirituality in the Midst of Everyday Parenting, Marriage, and Life — Sarah at Nourished and Nurtured shares her perspective on finding opportunities for spiritual growth in every day life.
• Parenting Philosophy — Lily, aka Witch Mom's parenting philosophy is to raise child(ren) to be compassionate, loving, inquisitive, and questioning adults who can be trusted to make decisions for themselves in a way that avoids harming others.
• Long Term — Rosemary at Rosmarinus Officinalis thinks about who she would like to see her daughter become — and what she can do now to lay a strong foundation for those hopes.
• Connection, Communication, Compassion — She's come a long way, baby! After dropping her career in favour of motherhood, Patti at Jazzy Mama discovered that building solid relationships was going to be her only parenting priority.
• My Parenting Inspirations - Part 4 — Jennifer at Hybrid Rasta Mama looks at her biggest parenting inspiration and how that translates into her long-term parenting philosophy.
• A Parenting Philosophy in One Word: Respect — Jenn at Monkey Butt Junction summarizes her parenting and relationship philosophy in one word: respect.
• Knowledge and Instinct — Kat at Loving {Almost} Every Moment believes that knowledge and instinct are super important … as are love, encouragement and respect. It's the ideal combo needed to raise happy and healthy children and in turn create meaningful relationships with them.
• THRIVE! — The Sparkle Mama wants to set a tone of confidence, abundance, and happiness in her home that will be the foundation for the rest of her daughter's life.
• On Children — "Your children are not your children," say Kahlil Gibran and Hannah at Wild Parenting.
• This One Life Together — Ariadne aka Mudpiemama shares her philosophy of parenting: living fully in the here and now and building the foundation for a happy and healthy life.
• Enjoying life and planning for a bright future — Olivia at Write About Birth shares her most important parenting dilemmas and pours out her heart about past trauma and how healing made her a better parent.
• My Parenting Philosophy: Unconditional and Natural Love — Charise at I Thought I Knew Mama shares what she has learned about her parenting philosophy from a year of following her instincts as a mama.
• An open letter to my children — Isil at Smiling Like Sunshine writes an open letter to her children.

• My Starter Kit for Unconditional Parenting — Sylvia at MaMammalia discusses her wish to raise a good person and summarizes some of the nontraditional practices she's using with her toddler son in order to fulfill that wish.
• Responsiveness — Sheila at A Gift Universe has many philosophies and goals, but what it all boils down to is responsiveness: listening to what her son wants and providing what he needs.
• Tools for Creating Your Parenting Philosophy — Have you ever really thought about your parenting purpose? Knowing your long-term goals can help you parent with more intent in your daily interactions. Dionna at Code Name: Mama offers exercises and ideas to help you create your own parenting philosophy.
• Be a Daisy — Becky at Old New Legacy philosophizes about individuality and how she thinks it's important for her daughter's growth.
• What's a Mama to Do? — Amyables at Toddler in Tow hopes that her dedication to compassionate parenting will keep her children from becoming too self-critical as adults.
• grown-up anxieties. — Laura at Our Messy Messy Life explains her lone worry concerning her babies growing up.
• Why I Used Montessori Principles in My Parenting Philosophy — Deb Chitwood at Living Montessori Now tells why she chose Montessori principles to help her now-adult children develop qualities she wanted to see in them as children and adults.
• Parenting Philosophies & Planning for the Future — Momma Jorje considers that the future is maybe just a fringe benefit of doing what feels right now.
• Not Just Getting Through — Rachael at The Variegated Life asks what truths she hopes to express even in the most commonplace interactions with her son.
• Parenting Philosophy? Eh... — Ana at Pandamoly shares the philosophy (or lack thereof) being employed to (hopefully) raise a respectful, loving, and responsible child.
• Parenting Philosophy: Being Present — Shannon at The Artful Mama discusses the changes her family has made to accommodate their parenting philosophy and to reflect their ideals as working parents.
• Who They Will Be — Amanda at Let's Take the Metro shares a short list of some qualities she hopes she is instilling in her children at this very moment.
• Short Term vs. Long Term — Sheryl at Little Snowflakes recounts how long term parenting goals often get lost in the details of everyday life with two kids.
• Parenting Philosophy: Practicing and Nurturing Peace — Terri at Child of the Nature Isle sets personal goals for developing greater peace.
• Yama Niyama & the Red Pajama Mama — Part 1: The Yamas — In part 1 of a set of posts by Zoie at TouchstoneZ, Zoie guest posts at Natural Parents Network about how the Yoga Sutras provide a framework for her parenting philosophy.
• Yama Niyama & the Red Pajama Mama — Part 2: The Niyamas — In part 2 of a set of posts by Zoie at TouchstoneZ, Zoie explores how the Niyamas (one of the eight limbs in traditional Yoga) help her maintain her parenting and life focus.
• Our Sample Parenting Plan — Chante at My Natural Motherhood Journey shares hopes of who her children will become and parenting strategies she employs to get them there.
• Philosophical Parenting: Letting Go — Jona at Life, Intertwined ponders the notion that there's no right answer when it comes to parenting.
• Unphilosophizing? — jessica at instead of institutions wonders about the usefulness of navel gazing.
• Parenting Sensitively — Amy at Anktangle uses her sensitivity to mother her child in ways that both nurture and affirm.
• how to nurture your relationships — Mrs Green at Little Green Blog believes that sometimes all kids need is a jolly good listening to …
• Philosophy Of An Unnatural Parent — Dr. Sarah at Good Enough Mum sees parenting as a process of guiding her children to develop the skills they'll need.
• Life with a Challenging Kid: Hidden Blessings — Wendy at High Needs Attachment shares the challenges and joys of raising a high needs child.
• Flying by the Seat of My Pants — Heather at Very Nearly Hippy has realized that she has no idea what she's doing.

Meditations on Love and Fear

Fear = Death

You might remember, way back in May, I wrote a post about "Mastering Love and Fear". That post was partly inspired by David Sye's upcoming workshop entitled "From the Mastery of Fear to the Mastery of Love".


I've now had the heightened pleasure of attending the workshop and would love to share with you a couple of meditations from the day. I hope these resonate with you just as much as they did with me, and I hope I can do them some justice...


These are both copyrighted in essence to David Sye, Yogabeats, though of course the words/interpretation are mine.


On Life and Death
Sit, or lie down, comfortably. Close your eyes. Bring your focus to your natural breath: in, out, in, out... just observe it and wonder how incredible it is. It flows, ceaselessly, no matter what, and without your conscious help. In, out...


Now breathe in normally and breathe out, all the way, till there's nothing left in your lungs. Hold your breath there and notice the vacuum. Hold it, hold it, keep holding it. And think of someone close to you who has died, or imagine someone dear to you dying - their life, their loves, what you miss about them. Keep holding your breath and keep thinking about their precious life, now gone. 


Now breath in, allowing the air to rush into your aching lungs. How good does that feel?


Fear vs Love
Imagine yourself in a big, beautiful room. In that room, however it manifests itself to you, is a large mirror. Go and walk in front of the mirror and look at yourself. Just how you are now: your clothes, your hair, your stance, your demeanour. How do you look?


Now travel onwards, one year into the future. In that year you have let fear take hold. In every part of your life, fear has been king. Look into the mirror. What do you see now? What does your hair look like, your skin, your eyes? How are you dressed? How do you hold yourself? What has changed in your life?


Now step away and travel 5 years into the future: 5 years of Fear. 5 years of living scared. Look into the mirror. What is there now? What has happened? Where have you gone? Where have you been? What have you lost? Who has gone from your life?


Come back to the present and see yourself anew, as you are now. Notice the details and feel thankful.


Now travel one year ahead again, but this time in the positive. Let love flood your life. What do you see in the mirror now? Look into your eyes, notice your clothes, your stance. How do you feel?


And onwards, 5 years... 5 years of Love. 5 years of living in sunshine and allowing Love to lead you. What do you see now? Who smiles back from the mirror? What has happened in your life these last 5 years? Who has entered? What opportunities have arisen? Where has life taken you? 


Now come back to the present. Which road will you take?


Namaste x

The Burglar

Distracted for a moment, my back turned, he seizes his opportunity.
Light fingered, quietly, eagerly, searching.
Rifling, magpie-like, looking for that exquisite piece
To treasure and hoard, clasped tightly in his grubby hands,
Safe, hidden from my view until


Re-entering the fray, mind poised, I spot him.
Panic wells up, vomit-like. Those are my things....
The innards of my bag laid bare, pulled roughly,
Maltreated and carelessly strewn, for all to see.
How did he find this? Where did that come from?
I want to push it all back, to hide
Those things which shouldn't be seen
And to restore some dignity to the disordered,
Smooth over it, pretend all is calm.


But he has taken something. I see it now 
And rage explodes, shattering through the disarray.
Give me back what is mine! Now!
The scream surprises him. A flicker of doubt crosses his face
And then he smiles. "No!," he taunts.
He thinks I'm playing. My heart fails: this is no game.
Gulping down pride, I change tact. Please?
"NO!" he shouts. I have riled him now.


Disheartened, upset, weakly, I walk away
To breathe. Slowly, deliberately,
I tidy and re-pack my possessions, 
Sighing over each as if they too had shattered.
I feel him watching, waiting.
And then suddenly, a small hand touches mine.
"Mum?"


He gazes up at me, eyes wide and pure,
And offers up the borrowed object.
Relief and regret at once quench the fire within
And I hug him: Thank you darling
And off he goes, my heart, my creation, my exposé,
Back to his innocence and his fearless investigations,
Leaving me to ponder my world,
My inner sanctity.

Living Life Your Way Interview

I am dead chuffed to be part of Pixie Mama's inspiring Living Life Your Way series: go read my interview over there today and find out a bit more about me :)

Mastering Love and Fear

Fear vs Life

I've been thinking a lot about happiness this year. Well, it's a recurring theme for us all really isn't it? Every day is evaluated by how well we think things are going for us, how lucky we are, what pitfalls have stopped us short (or temporarily holed us), what achievements we've managed despite the competition/weather/economical situation etc etc etc.


Is it me or has it all gone quiet on the "David Cameron wants to know how happy you are" front? Popping over to the Office for National Statistics site, I see that they're now in the process of evaluating all your comments and "expect to report on the findings of the debate in July 2011". Oooh, I can't wait.


Yes, you did read that right, the cynicism in my tone. Not usually noted for being so (I tend to believe cynicism is self-destructive and pointless), I can't help it in this case. I will be genuinely interested to hear the "results"; however I do believe the subject of the country's happiness, and particularly the method for gathering information on it, is not something we are exactly experts at on the whole. Quite apart from us being duly noted worldwide as "a bunch of whinging poms", there is the small matter of the questions you were asked. Sadly I can't see the questionnaire now it's closed, but I remember looking at it a few months back and seeing the same old leading questions on health, housing, economy etc etc etc. Well, you say, aren't they what's important? Well, dear reader, that's rather up to you. But my point is, that by forcing you to answer questions on such topics, they are making you feel as if they ARE important to you, whether they really are or not. 


The political satire Yes, Prime Minister, gives a wonderful sketch demonstrating how leading questions can achieve either a "yay" or a "nay" from you in the same sitting:

But at risk of encouraging mass egocentricity, if you were to forget about all our societal structures, can you make an honest and raw appraisal of your real happiness goals? Or do you struggle to think outside the confines of those structures? In his blog, the Moneyless Man Mark Boyle claims we are all "addicted to civilisation". Defining addiction in his own terms as "'any behavioural pattern that persists despite the person being aware that it is harming their physical, mental, emotional or spiritual well-being and/or is killing them'", he summarises that

"Addicts effectively keep refusing to let something much more fulfilling into their lives, probably because they no longer have a real sense of how good life could be without [their fix]."

Now I happen to know a family member who fits this bill exactly: her life revolves around the negative and what kind of sensation she can cause or glean from it, whilst at the same time bemoaning how torrid her life is. She happens to be a particularly case, but we are all guilty of it.

David Sye of Yogabeats

Similarly, on his Yogabeats blog, David Sye also speaks of 'addiction', this time to "life as an item", where 

"Western life is built around the ability and concept of controlling everything.  For we are terrified by what we cannot control, so life itself poses a real threat"

Attacking those age-old hang-ups we all succumb to ("I can't do A until X, Y and Z happens.."), Sye rightly points out that 

"Nothing NEEDS TO HAPPEN for you to remember that you are life itself, showing up (whether you like it or not!) through the little idea of who you imagine yourself to be."

Whilst I agree wholeheartedly with both takes on this essential message, Sye really nails it for me in outlining his current workshop From the Mastery of Fear to the Mastery of Love. He claims we have to learn how to:

"recognise the addiction we have to the "emergency emotions" of fear and our emotional wounds and how and why they keep repeating throughout our lives, until we learn the cognitive skills that can transform us from the mastery of fear to the mastery of love".

In other words, before we can selflessly care 100% about the planet or even how much "civilisation is killing us", most of us will need to look to ourselves first. Honestly, openly, and without preconceptions, excuses or prefabricated societal constructs.

Anyone who knows me knows I can preach till the cows come home about finding your true place in life no matter what. I annoy my friends and family daily with my evangelicism whilst struggling myself with the subject. A wise teacher I once knew said that we all study what we are most lacking in ourselves. It's so true. But nobody said the path to "happiness" was finite. The route between mastering "fear" and "love" is completely organic, flowing, elusive at times, confusing and often changeable. So nobody - no government official, no yoga master, no psychiatrist or teacher or parent or friend can TELL you where to find your own happiness. You have to go looking for it yourself.

What will you choose?

If you need guidance you won't be short of finding some on the web. Start off by checking out The Happiness Project, Blacksburg Belle and The Goddess Guidebook. But ultimately you've got to follow your own intuition. Those who lead the happiest lives (and recognise it) have found what works best for them and are always open to re-evaluating that, within certain limits. For example, whilst some days I dream of running away to join the circus and somewhat lessening my responsibilities, in my saner moments I acknowledge that such a move would only make me temporarily "happy" at best, thereafter reducing me to a life of misery and regret.


I feel that personal happiness in today's world can be best achieved through an alchemical mixture of self-control and empowerment: learn to recognise what you love and what works for you within your given limitations (see above!) but don't over-indulge (or at least not too often). And allow yourself to feel empowered, strong, capable. All too often our best efforts are belittled in one way or another - it is not a British trait to "be proud" of yourself. But proud (not gloating or domineering) you must be. You've come this far, you've achieved this much. You are you and nobody else. Of course you should be proud.


And don't think for a minute that I'm saying you should all do what you like and forget about community values and the state of the world at large. Of course I'm also appealing to your moral nature and societal values. And I'm also trusting that you will find the balance "between constructive attempts at greater self-knowledge and pointless rumination" and not go down the self-destructive path of "overthinking". 


Learn to master your fears; learn to master your loves. Learn to be you.