Everyone Needs Good Neighbours: How 1 Month of Co-Housing Changed Us

Preparing for a communal Christmas

And so it begins, our new adventure. We arrived, 1 month ago, crashing down crazily into a different world, amidst new people, places and procedures. We are not alone any more, we are one.


I never could have imagined us here, not really. I may have dreamt of such a thing but then thought about it in real terms and dismissed it almost instantly. Let's face it, I'm a bit of a loner, a maverick, an inconstant. I love my friends and (some of!) my family, but I am not naturally extroverted. I prefer to shy away inside my shell and look after my own accounts for the most part.


So why on earth would we consider living in an intentional community? Well, if you look at it this way, our lives were crying out for it for all the reasons I've given above. And above all, we have always loved the idea of community - one that is mostly and sadly missing from life as we know it these days. It's just that, like most, we had these preconceptions about what it might be like. I thought I would feel stifled, put-upon, awkward, expected to follow rules and rotas and join in all the time. I thought I'd have to compromise too much and struggle to just be myself when I needed to be, to breathe, to be independent.

A not-so captive audience!

 Perhaps some communities are like that, but here, we are not. The core belief is "freedom with respect", so basically you are free to do as you like, but remember that your actions have the potential to upset others if you don't think them through or discuss with others as appropriate. Hey, that's just like 'real' life should be to me, but it isn't, is it?!


Trelay is a co-housing community, so we all have our own private spaces as well as shared areas such as the farmhouse lounge and kitchen and the laundry. In real terms none of us 'own' our properties and as such we are responsible for them mutually, so if work needs done we are all expected to muck in if we are able, in whatever way we can. 


And so we have changed. Some days we still like to do our own thing and look after ourselves first and foremost, but mostly we are out there, doing our bit, helping the community at large along. Whether it's baking bread for everyone in the farmhouse kitchen or buying in bananas, repairing pig fencing or digging and planting up new beds in the polytunnel, we are there and loving it. As are the kids! 


I have never seen Father Earthly so purposefully happy. In this day and age we can feel disempowered so easily, and as a result lapse into bad habits (spending too much time on the computer or in front of the TV), and generally sink into feeling that the world is a pretty pointless, worthless and unhappy place. Coming here has changed that for us. I'm not saying we don't have our bad days but having like-minded, positive and vibrant people around has made an enormous difference. Life is easier and yet more fulfilling, more joyous, more meaningful.


Above all I have seen our mindset change on who we choose to interact with and why. Before, I saw little point in making the effort with someone who was clearly very different to me in their values/outlook/interests, but being a member within an intentional community has changed this, mainly because everyone here has a shared goal, or goals. So whilst there are a diverse selection of people from all walks of life and with a wide gamut of interests and beliefs, we have a common interest which is for us all to get on and achieve wonderful things together! That doesn't mean we all have to be bosom pals and equally it does not prevent friction or arguments from breaking out - we are human after all. But having a shared vision helps us to sort things out more easily and amicably, to the benefit of all. 


Isn't this how the wider world should be?

Playing the piano together

What's more, I used to think of communities as potentially quite insular, and this isn't the case here. Perhaps because of our values, we interact and co-exist peacefully and meaningfully with our neighbours - they come to events and special dinners, we use local veg and grocery suppliers, do meat swaps (pork for beef etc) and help run the parish council. Our nearest farmer looks after our sheep for us and maintains some of our land. We get involved with local plays and societies and events, both as individuals and as a group. It's all really rather lovely :)


Intentional communities, and in particular co-housing groups, are on the increase as more and more cotton on to a way of life that is sustainable, affordable, accessible, fulfilling, meaningful and heartwarming. If you'd like to give it a try, why not come and help as a volunteer, or attend an interest weekend or other event?


We have all just spent a lovely weekend making and baking for Christmas. It's been like being part of a big, happy family - all enjoying getting stuck in and helping each other and remembering what Christmas is actually about. I'm so pleased my kids have this environment to grow up in and thrive - I can't think of any better education for them.

The Honeymoon Diaries, by Father Earthly

After a pretty horrible month all-round, Father Earthly and I were amused today to come across the diary he kept whilst we were on honeymoon, 4 years ago. We have been clearing through our stuff - a hopeless and altogether exhausting task, and reading through his snippets of captured times past, my head peering over his shoulder, we were both brought to a place we thought long forgotten.

------

Mardi 9/10/07
It's a peculiarity but when we are as relaxed as this it's not only the case that little joys are magnified, but little disappointments too. Not to say that things are stressful, but minor disappointments can have a larger than normal effect on our mood. However, those little joys can bounce us back up again.


Today didn't start all that well. We'd made our minds up to do a spot of swimming at the Grand Etang, especially as the weather seemed warm enough to do so. We set off on the bikes to St Estephe, stopping after a slog up the hills to take a look at 'Le Roc Branlant', a huge piece of granite rock balanced on yet more granite. It all looks extremely sturdy (only later did we find out that its name means 'the shaky rock' - it's possible to move the whole rock backwards and forwards. We've been told it's common to crack nuts or flatten money with it. Obviously we'll have to take another trip to use up our spare centimes!).


Then we made our way to the swimming lake only to find that the wind had got up a bit, the clouds had increased, and it was a bit too nippy to dip in. So we sunbathed for 10 minutes until the clouds became too numerous, forcing us back onto the bikes just to stay warm. So by this point we were starting to get hungry and finding Le Moulin still closed and unable to face one particularly onerous hill, we headed towards Piégut. En route, we passed the restaurant we'd seen on Friday, only to find it had closed for their 2 week holiday on Sunday, putting paid our idea of dining out this week. 

For a true get-away-from-it-all experience,
visit Covert Cabin!

Heading into Piégut we were unsure of the time but heard the clock strike 2 o'clock as we arrived. Having seen that the Bistrot, at least, was open until 3, we perused the menus of a couple of places until finally deciding upon [Father Earthly's handwriting becomes completely illegible here] which proudly claimed on the board that it was ouvert. Heading in and in the process of perching our bottoms however, we were informed by the chef that, in fact, the place was fermé. At least he had eth good grace to mumble desolée. So the Bistrot it was then. Or was it? Obviously being open until 3 is different to taking on new customers at 2.15. Oh well!


A wee bit disheartened, hungry, and generally not in the mood for cycling, we decided to take a shortcut home and proceeded down the rough track with too much haste and not enough caution. My sudden braking to avoid a muddy puddle resulted in [Mamma Earthly] tumbling over her handlebars, tearing her hands in the process. Unfortunately my attempt to clean out the wound with a sports capped bottle of water only furthered the pain she was already in and we limped back to the cabin a very sorry pair. 


Wounds cleaned, antiseptic spray squirted, and plasters applied, we sat down to a large slice each of a cake we'd baked yesterday. And it was this carrot cake, with a healthy dollop of frosting, that put the smile back on our faces - the small joy that magnified into a big pleasure, bouncing us back up again.

Living Life Your Way Interview

I am dead chuffed to be part of Pixie Mama's inspiring Living Life Your Way series: go read my interview over there today and find out a bit more about me :)

Mastering Love and Fear

Fear vs Life

I've been thinking a lot about happiness this year. Well, it's a recurring theme for us all really isn't it? Every day is evaluated by how well we think things are going for us, how lucky we are, what pitfalls have stopped us short (or temporarily holed us), what achievements we've managed despite the competition/weather/economical situation etc etc etc.


Is it me or has it all gone quiet on the "David Cameron wants to know how happy you are" front? Popping over to the Office for National Statistics site, I see that they're now in the process of evaluating all your comments and "expect to report on the findings of the debate in July 2011". Oooh, I can't wait.


Yes, you did read that right, the cynicism in my tone. Not usually noted for being so (I tend to believe cynicism is self-destructive and pointless), I can't help it in this case. I will be genuinely interested to hear the "results"; however I do believe the subject of the country's happiness, and particularly the method for gathering information on it, is not something we are exactly experts at on the whole. Quite apart from us being duly noted worldwide as "a bunch of whinging poms", there is the small matter of the questions you were asked. Sadly I can't see the questionnaire now it's closed, but I remember looking at it a few months back and seeing the same old leading questions on health, housing, economy etc etc etc. Well, you say, aren't they what's important? Well, dear reader, that's rather up to you. But my point is, that by forcing you to answer questions on such topics, they are making you feel as if they ARE important to you, whether they really are or not. 


The political satire Yes, Prime Minister, gives a wonderful sketch demonstrating how leading questions can achieve either a "yay" or a "nay" from you in the same sitting:

But at risk of encouraging mass egocentricity, if you were to forget about all our societal structures, can you make an honest and raw appraisal of your real happiness goals? Or do you struggle to think outside the confines of those structures? In his blog, the Moneyless Man Mark Boyle claims we are all "addicted to civilisation". Defining addiction in his own terms as "'any behavioural pattern that persists despite the person being aware that it is harming their physical, mental, emotional or spiritual well-being and/or is killing them'", he summarises that

"Addicts effectively keep refusing to let something much more fulfilling into their lives, probably because they no longer have a real sense of how good life could be without [their fix]."

Now I happen to know a family member who fits this bill exactly: her life revolves around the negative and what kind of sensation she can cause or glean from it, whilst at the same time bemoaning how torrid her life is. She happens to be a particularly case, but we are all guilty of it.

David Sye of Yogabeats

Similarly, on his Yogabeats blog, David Sye also speaks of 'addiction', this time to "life as an item", where 

"Western life is built around the ability and concept of controlling everything.  For we are terrified by what we cannot control, so life itself poses a real threat"

Attacking those age-old hang-ups we all succumb to ("I can't do A until X, Y and Z happens.."), Sye rightly points out that 

"Nothing NEEDS TO HAPPEN for you to remember that you are life itself, showing up (whether you like it or not!) through the little idea of who you imagine yourself to be."

Whilst I agree wholeheartedly with both takes on this essential message, Sye really nails it for me in outlining his current workshop From the Mastery of Fear to the Mastery of Love. He claims we have to learn how to:

"recognise the addiction we have to the "emergency emotions" of fear and our emotional wounds and how and why they keep repeating throughout our lives, until we learn the cognitive skills that can transform us from the mastery of fear to the mastery of love".

In other words, before we can selflessly care 100% about the planet or even how much "civilisation is killing us", most of us will need to look to ourselves first. Honestly, openly, and without preconceptions, excuses or prefabricated societal constructs.

Anyone who knows me knows I can preach till the cows come home about finding your true place in life no matter what. I annoy my friends and family daily with my evangelicism whilst struggling myself with the subject. A wise teacher I once knew said that we all study what we are most lacking in ourselves. It's so true. But nobody said the path to "happiness" was finite. The route between mastering "fear" and "love" is completely organic, flowing, elusive at times, confusing and often changeable. So nobody - no government official, no yoga master, no psychiatrist or teacher or parent or friend can TELL you where to find your own happiness. You have to go looking for it yourself.

What will you choose?

If you need guidance you won't be short of finding some on the web. Start off by checking out The Happiness Project, Blacksburg Belle and The Goddess Guidebook. But ultimately you've got to follow your own intuition. Those who lead the happiest lives (and recognise it) have found what works best for them and are always open to re-evaluating that, within certain limits. For example, whilst some days I dream of running away to join the circus and somewhat lessening my responsibilities, in my saner moments I acknowledge that such a move would only make me temporarily "happy" at best, thereafter reducing me to a life of misery and regret.


I feel that personal happiness in today's world can be best achieved through an alchemical mixture of self-control and empowerment: learn to recognise what you love and what works for you within your given limitations (see above!) but don't over-indulge (or at least not too often). And allow yourself to feel empowered, strong, capable. All too often our best efforts are belittled in one way or another - it is not a British trait to "be proud" of yourself. But proud (not gloating or domineering) you must be. You've come this far, you've achieved this much. You are you and nobody else. Of course you should be proud.


And don't think for a minute that I'm saying you should all do what you like and forget about community values and the state of the world at large. Of course I'm also appealing to your moral nature and societal values. And I'm also trusting that you will find the balance "between constructive attempts at greater self-knowledge and pointless rumination" and not go down the self-destructive path of "overthinking". 


Learn to master your fears; learn to master your loves. Learn to be you.

Make a Wish... On Being Me

Pissenlit: Illustration courtesy of PrincesseCamCam

Today I am not a good mamma. I'm feeling tired and frazzled and selfish. Father Earthly is being wonderfully patient and showing baby Earthly no. 1 how to make cookies for grandma and how to blow dandelion clocks whilst I have grumbled constantly about my maternal duties and have been neglectful to the point where I've just found baby Earthly no. 2 chewing on my HMRC employer payslip booklet.


On days like this I really struggle to like who I am. I've come a long way in terms of self-acceptance over the years but still I have days, weeks or months when I wish I was an entirely different person. My shyness - which frequently passes into the anti-social - and my lack of self confidence are traits which I would willingly wish away like the spokes from a dandelion clock.


I often find myself looking at people in the street and imagining them with a different hairstyle, a complete change of wardrobe, a change of demeanor.  It's a game which is so absorbing because as an objective outsider, you can see the endless possibilities for others. In theory I know we can be whoever we want but in practice it's never an easy task. 


I know all this and whilst I've achieved many of my dreams, aspirations, goals, I feel I still cannot change the fundamentals of who I am, and sometimes that really gets me. So, you say, I shouldn't want to change but rather accept who I am. I've tried that too but unfortunately being anti-social is not a very positive trait!


And I worry. Because with my babies I know - in the first I'm already starting to see it - that they're likely to share some of those traits, in one form or another. And my job is to guide them through life in the most positive way possible, allowing them to come to terms with their own shyness but not letting it hold them back... how can I do that if I feel I've failed in my own life?


Our children teach us so much - I'm already learning that lesson. So here's hoping that my kids will teach me to accept myself for who I am and figure out the best path for ME that will lead me to be the best I can be...

Baby Steps: Back into the Fray

Lift one foot, then the other. Add a smug smile ;)

Having just spent the last 36 hours or so intermittently dozing, sleeping, breastfeeding, attempting to entertain mini-me (everyone says she's just like me), dozing and sleeping some more, reading, cleaning up baby sick, breastfeeding some more... I am now emerging like a startled rabbit back into the real world again. Or attempting to, might be a better turn of phrase. In reality my brain still seems to be far off in the depths of mingled, disjointed dreams whilst my body continues onwards into the thrust of everyday life.


I'm not sure what the issue is this year; I (and the family) have been ill more times than in the last few years put together. I suppose 2 years of deprived sleep will do that on it's own, nevermind the myriad other stresses and difficulties.


When I get ill my brain often goes into overdrive during all that sleeping and dozing, so it very rarely ends up being restful sleep. The result is a feeling of bleary fractiousness and despondency where I struggle to deal with the world at large and feel the need to retreat into a dark hole for the rest of my days... The challenge is to to turn around my thoughts before they solidify and stagnate. To anyone else in my position I would say "Get out in the fresh air"; "Go see a friend"; "Do some yoga"; "Bake a tasty treat for yourself" or all of the above. But I am at heart a total hypocrite and all of those things seem as impossible to me right now as putting on a pair of running shoes and going for a jog (with or without mini-me, anyone who knows me knows I am not a runner!).


I have taken much heart today from one of my favourite blogs, Dreaming Aloud. Lucy, who I recently interviewed for the post of Super Woman, has been such an inspiration to me as a mother, creative and all-round sensitive person. Her posts on her "highly sensitive family" have really touched me this week and I hope to take a little of that candid positivity and put it to good use - for myself, for my own family, and for the little bubble that is my world, and all inside it.


One day I may break out of the bubble and spread the goodness both near and far. But for now baby steps are very much the order of the day.

Famous Five Friday

I am quite amused to see that, currently, my top 3 labels are "achievement", "balance" and "positivity". Those 3 things are certainly on my mind a lot at the moment. However I'd like to throw another one into the mix, one that hasn't yet made an overt appearance, and it can be loosely described as "order" (think Betty Boothroyd) though in fact it covers myriad similitudes, from plain tidiness to good manners.


Perhaps it is because I am so naturally laissez-faire, not to mention a little lazy and a lot free spirited, that I find myself instinctively drawn to the sense of "order" when I am feeling overwhelmed. To get back on top of things I feel I need to pull my socks up and organise everything; it reflects my state of mind, and if things are cluttered and untidy then I am too. A healthy environment makes for a healthy mind.


This is the doctrine behind much of Enid Blyton's work, and it's obvious that this was a reflection, not just of the times, but also her own psychological troubles. However it is the Brent-Dyer Chalet School books that sum it up for me at the moment, where every girl is expected to have impeccable manners, always look tidy and respectable (and keep her possessions and cubicle the same), to uphold strong morals and generally be an all-round upstanding, friendly and charitable person:

"the character trait held up by the books as being the one most desirable is 'to think of others', although this trait does not necessarily include self-sacrifice. Brent-Dyer introduces this theme in the series in relation to pupils behaving charitably towards those less fortunate than themselves..." - Ju Gosling's The World of the Chalet School

This resonates so strongly with me, not least because I strive to be more community-minded myself (though it's hard to remember sometimes - especially when the 55th boat of the day has passed us at great speed, music blaring and folk peering in our windows!


Like so much in my life it all comes back to a finely tuned sense of balance. Whilst we should do our utmost to think of others, we must not forget ourselves; whilst it's good to be tidy and ordered, this shouldn't be at the expense of creativity and freedom of thought.


One thing is for certain. Our kids may be growing up as free-spirited tearaways, living as water gypsies in hand-me-down and makeshift clothes. But they will also be brought up to be kind, thoughtful, loving and well-mannered. Tidy would be a bonus but if it's a toss up between that and having happy-go-lucky creative kids, I can settle for tidy at times, much like myself...


And just so you know, I started writing this before I lost the boat keys...

How to be a Super Woman: Meet Lucy from Dreaming Aloud...

1. Hi! Tell us a bit about yourself
My name is Lucy and I am a home-based mama to 3 home-birthed children ages 5, 3 and 1. My husband and I both work from home in a little pink house on the south coast of Ireland.


I am a freelance writer and contributing editor at my very favourite magazine in the world: JUNO. A soulful, natural family magazine which has been at the centre of my learning to be a parent.


I have blogged at Dreaming Aloud since November 2010, after years of resisting my husband's suggestion to “get a blog!”.  It brings so much goodness to my life: inspiring me to live even bigger, connecting me with wonderful like-minded people and giving me a public outlet for my more personal writing. I also have a baking blog Queen of Puddings, because I love cake.


I am a trained teacher and have taught a lot of different subjects for money and love: English, drama, creative writing, pregnancy yoga, craft, antenatal classes... I have also been involved in a lot of community development projects: helping to start a playgroup, a school, running an arts festival, leading a women's group and mother blessings.


I love to read: my books are my second babies and I have a massive collection of other people's wisdom lining my walls. I have to read, I consume ideas which feed my own life and work. I have started book reviewing professionally – what a perfect job! 

Juno: A Natural Approach to Family Life

I try to combine these myriad aspects of myself. My work and life intermingle...I am free spirited by nature and this works wonderfully for me. Everyone on both sides of my family is self employed and earn their money in creative fields too: it's in my blood I guess. I have learnt that there is another way of making a life and a living than having a job you hate, or sacrificing family and home for work. I am delighted to say that I am following my bliss and my life is very rich. 


2. Do you have a 'grand plan'? Do you think this has changed at all over the years?
Yes I have a grand plan – goodness that sounds pretentious, doesn't it, but I do! On my website I put it like this: 

“My intention is to assist in a re-visioning of our culture into one which is rich in more than material terms, one which prioritises human and ecological needs above those of institutions and the economy.” 

My passions are women's personal development and empowerment, natural birth, mothering, re-thinking education, home-based living, and fostering creativity. And so I work at these on every level. With my kids, in how I deal with people, in my writing, in my teaching, in my practical activities. I am very, very driven because I am doing what is important to me. I am being the change I want to see in the world.


The parameters have changed: my level of self-knowledge, my understanding of where my power lies, and the arrival of my children... but the vision has remained. I set out to have outside approval for my vision, I needed permission to say what I wanted to say. I wanted to be a self help writer. I wanted to be like Oprah. I wanted to lead personal transformation courses. I wanted to change the way the education system ran, to set up an intentional community, to run a cafe with lots of exciting workshops and a lending library... I am not short on dreams and ambitions!


But I have learnt that one person cannot do it all!  Life is no fun if you spread yourself TOO thin. That for me leads to exhaustion, panic attacks, migraine and depression.  But for me I have an idea, I gestate it and then I see how I can act on it: do I raise awareness, talk about it, write about it, start a project...? I am a leader not a joiner, and I have a great starting energy and enthusiasm, but am far less good at finishing stuff. This I have come to accept in myself.


As the kids arrived into my life in quick succession (I am only 30!) I have had to shift my timetable and expectations of myself. They provide so much learning for me and if it were not for them I would not have either the time, lifestyle or material, or be the person I am, to be able to write my stuff. So I keep reminding myself that they will not be young forever and not to waste these precious years. But I need my head-space and physical space and I find the constant being needed of three little kids very challenging. My writing keeps me sane. I write because I have to! I have cut right back on my community work and stopped teaching altogether...for now!


3. What gets you up in the morning?
My kids get me up – I am usually dozing breastfeeding our baby when our tropical three year old comes bounding in and lands on my head, pulling my hair and making me eff and blind my way into full consciousness. I would prefer to start the day with an hour's reading and then some meditation and yoga, followed by a blissful bath. This is for the self help authors who have no kids.


4. Run us through a typical kind of day
We dive into breakfast madness, with tantrums over how the toast is cut. I hate the hour before school: uniform, packed lunch, hurry up we're going to be late – it's not a nice way to start the day and makes we wish that we were home schooling. I always thought I was going to, but for me it is a trade off between my soul work and devoting myself to home-schooling, and my work wins out. It's not a decision I feel perfect about. 


However the walk to school, less than five minutes down a country lane, usually lifts my spirits and we see what magic nature has provided that day: cobwebs glistening with dew, dandelions or blackberries in the hedgerows. 


When I get home, we have self-directed time for an hour or so: the 3-year-old has her morning C Beebies fix, the baby trashes the joint and I catch up on my world: emails, blog etc whilst stopping to dole out snacks, breastfeed, stop fights.  If I do this now it sets me up for the day and then I can really give myself to them rather than feeling resentful. At some point the 3-year-old drifts away from the TV and starts playing by herself and I feel a lot less guilty!

Lucy commits random acts of beauty!

Then it's craft time. Or we go for a walk and explore usually up to the Cookery School gardens next door, often finding stuff for our nature table. 


At least three times a week we will bake a cake or cookies together. Cooking with my kids is really important. I love it, they love it and we love eating what we make.


Home for lunch, a quick check of email and then collect our son from school. A snack and we decide what to do for the afternoon. I feel he misses out on creative stuff and outside stuff by being in the school system so this is what we really focus on at home.


Then it's Scooby Doo O clock, so I can have half an hour to check emails and do anything for my editorial role before the end of office hours, before it’s time to make supper. 


Bedtime is 7pm, but often it'll be 8.30 before they're all settled.  When they’re in bed tucked up it’s my time! Most evenings are spent working: writing blog posts, articles, book reviews,  facebooking with friends. I try and make sure I have a couple of nights a week off. I try REALLY hard to connect with my husband too, but he respects the fact that getting to do my thing in the evening a happy mama makes. Because he is home based we get to chat throughout the day.


I usually go to bed around 10.30 – I need my sleep – unfortunately I have had 3 babies who slept like angels until they were 3 months old, then woke 5-15 times a night, every night until they were 2. 


Talking about my day in a linear manner doesn't really give you a sense of it – I am always multi-tasking: I will be planning an article whilst putting the baby to sleep or reading on the toilet, or blogging and watching TV. Rarely do I get a chance to do anything uninterrupted, so I use my time to the full. My life is woven of multiple strands, on multiple levels, and each is a crucial part of the whole tapestry. If I leave one part untouched for too long a hole emerges in the fabric of my life. I find it mostly manageable because it is inner directed and home based. When I was doing a lot of stuff outside of the house: trying to settle baby to bed before running out to meetings, having to be at certain places at a certain time, I found that really stressful, and more like trying to keep plates spinning on sticks. I prefer weaving!


5. When you experience a setback how do you pick yourself back up again?
I just make sure I don't get stuck in it too long. I have a couple of family members who totally lost their way, hopes, talents, ambitions and sections of their lives by getting stuck in self doubt and depression. It is such a waste. You have to take responsibility, at the first moment that you are capable, to own your thoughts, move forward, to choose to act, to find the positive. You are responsible for you: what kind of day are you going to make it? You cannot control everything that happens, but you can totally effect how you respond, the pattern of your thoughts. I have a tendency to moan and whinge. Ina May Gaskin is clear in her book Spiritual Midwifery that to have a positive birth you have to be positive: give love, focus on the positive, not whining about what's not right. Another help to me is Louise L Hay's You Can Heal Your Life:  All is well in my World. Every time something shakes me and I feel unsettled, I come back to this mantra.


6. Who or what inspires you the most?
A lot of people say I am like my grandmother, my namesake. I never met her but wish I had. She was a legend in her own right: a strong mother figure, a dynamic and influential woman who made her mark on all who met her and on her community. 35 years after her death people still speak of her with awe.


But also Ina May Gaskin, Pam England and others in the birth world. Creative people, people who live their truth big and publicly, who push for change. People of vision and courage who live their dreams.



7. We all have bad days when we doubt ourselves and our abilities. How do you get through yours?
I am thoroughly grumpy and miserable and no fun to be around. Usually it is one of my dear friends who helps get me out, or my husband, he is very good at handling me when I am low.


I try to get out, out of the house, out of my head – go for a walk, to see a friend, to physically change my mental framework. If I can do this rather than wallow in the hypnotic nature of mental suffering, then I can let go of it and move on to a new thought pattern.


8. What do you feel are your greatest achievements and why?
In the words of one good friend, "I'm amazed, bearing in mind what your life has been like, how well adjusted you are”. This is not inevitable. I have worked very hard, consistently and deeply on personal development/ spiritual stuff to off-load the negative stuff from my past, work on close relationships and make myself a better person. 


But to the outside world, I think my greatest achievements are yet to come...


9. Tell us what you think constitutes a "Super Woman" and list 3 key ingredients for success
Actually, on reflection, trying to be a Super Woman is precisely my problem! And whilst it's nice to be recognised for what we do and achieve, how we live is far more important. Although most things I do come from my own inner drive, and are often reflective and spiritual, I spend far more time than is healthy in doing, rather than being. This comes at a cost: to my mindfulness, to domestic order and to my own health.

I think the most important thing any person can do is to know themselves and try to find balance amongst the various strands of themselves. And for a woman to know her cycles and her energy levels and work to these rather than against herself. This is absolutely what I try to do. But most often I fail on the balance front – I do too much and then burn out. In our culture this is seen as a good thing... but really it's a form of ego driven insanity.

My 3 key ingredients for success are:

• Know yourself, follow your heart, and listen to your intuition 
• Take responsibility for your own actions and potential –don't waste your energy on blame or excuses – if you want to do something do it and if you don't then don't, but stop moaning!
• If you believe it you can achieve it – work hard on visualising with clarity.

10. Final words of wisdom?

“Do what you can with what you have where you are...” 

Theodore Roosevelt

Every time I feel stuck or stuff isn't working or I don't know where to start I come back to this. It reminds us to bring the dream back down to earth, to ground its roots in our reality not off in Never Land.


You can find Lucy over on her website, Dreaming Aloud blog and Queen of Puddings blog.

Do you know someone who fits the bill of Super Woman? Even yourself - don't be shy! If you would like to take part or recommend a friend, please send a message with the details to me at giveanearthly at gmail dot com.

The Art of Tapas: Through Yoga, Birth and Life

Today I am acutely aware of every single muscle in my body because they all ache. After not managing to get to a yoga class (and by god there's no space on the boat to do it!) for approximately 2 months, I threw myself in at the deep end and attended a whole day workshop plus my normal ashtanga class this weekend. On top of that I've still not got back into it properly after having baby Earthly no. 2 so I am well down on my performance.


And while I know I shouldn't beat myself up about that, it's really hard not to. Not only is my stamina and general ability lowered, but I find that my post-pregnant body has changed: I now find some asanas a lot more difficult or uncomfortable. I find this strange as post-first-birth I really didn't notice much difference (other than the obvious lack of core muscles!). 


However, Richard Adamo's workshop was the perfect place for me to start. He talked of two tenets of the Eight Limbs of Yoga: Tapas - 'heat', perseverence, austerity - and Samtosa - contentment. He explained that whilst we should work hard in our practice, with 'heat', we should remain mindful and balance our desire to do our best with also being content with our own personal achievements, however small they may seem from the outside. The idea is not to feel as if we must force ourselves into the 'perfect' position, but work with our own bodies and minds to achieve what we can, and to be happy with that.


And it struck me that this was not just a yoga lesson but that these principles are applicable across the board. In particular the idea of Tapas resonated with my feelings on giving birth naturally. I have long felt in my yoga practice that what keeps me going - whether it's the 56th sun-salute of the day or sinking into a position even deeper with every breath) is a burning desire to do the best my body is capable of, regardless of the protests issuing in my mind. It was exactly the same feelings I had when giving birth. I could so easily have given into the fear, the pain, but at my core I didn't want to and I focussed instead on every moment (not the goal, for if we look to the top of a hill whilst climbing it, we feel like giving up) and every breath. And by doing that, as in a yoga posture, you achieve almost without realising. Through both births this is what I experienced. Gently forcing myself into breathing through every moment, every contraction, every inner doubt and every screaming thought of "I can't do this!" until, suddenly, I had done it, and there, being passed up between my legs, was the proof!


I feel strongly that we could use the idea of Tapas more in our everyday lives. I would love to see this kind of empowering talk being brought into antenatal sessions. Crazy idea? I don't think so. Because you know what? Giving birth is not so much about anatomy or how apart the contractions are or even how fit you are; it's about a mindset. Getting yourself into that alpha state where you are free, without external distractions, to do your animal thing. And most importantly, to believe in yourself, your body to do this. That is the bit most women (and partners!) need drilled into them. We are surrounded in our culture with negativity - about birth, about the economy, about our purpose in life - and that needs to be balanced out before we can relinquish ourselves wholly to the task in hand.


Of course it's so easy to take the principle of Tapas and use it to be hard on ourselves - or worse, to judge others. Emma Silverman, over in The Joy of Yoga, warns us that:

"The balance of contentment and effort is important in asana practice. If we force (in life and in asana) we often do more harm than good. As teachers, it's important to stay mindful of how we move our students into asana. Instead of demonstrating or cueing students to the 'ideal' or most advanced level of any given pose and then giving modifications, start gently and give advancements."

Work within your own limitations; learn to balance true effort with contentment at your own small achievements; be happy with the results. A wise lesson indeed.

Sacrificing the Self - On Being a Mum

Don't get me wrong. I love being a mum, and I'm not just trying to convince myself of that either. I really wouldn't swap it for anything else - even when I think of our lives Before Kids and just how much TIME and ENERGY we had. Occasionally I find myself fantasising - stepping into an imaginary time machine and zapping myself back to those days filled with empty moments: the peace, the endless stretches of unencumbered time, the (relative) sanity, the personal luxuries... but could I be without my kids? No.


And yet...


Those days when I feel so knackered I could fall asleep in my porridge; when toddler has embarked upon a project of incessant whinging for the day and baby requires being stuck to boob or cuddled all day long; when I'm sick of looking like an extra from the Witches of Eastwick and I'm so hungry I could eat my own leg if only baby wasn't in the way; when my happy-go-lucky childless friends are full of their own egocentric adventures and woes; when on the rare days I get to spend 10 minutes on my appearance I can't even don a nice frock to cheer myself up because it's not breastfeeding-friendly; when all I've done all day is give and give and give of myself and by the time hubby comes home after a hard day at work he feels shunned and unloved because I'm spent; when my brain feels as if it may implode or evolve backwards through lack of intellectual current...


Those days I wonder.

One of the women at my local toddler group told me recently that she felt cheated, lied to. That nobody had warned her what it would be like. At the time I was inclined to think her a little naive, as I'm sure would many others, particularly those without kids. But being totally honest with myself, I feel the same. There is a great yawning gap between knowing in your mind that having children will change your life immeasurably, and experiencing it first hand. Nobody tells you that you will never again have free time, that every millisecond of your precious day will be filled with the needs of others, that even if you get the luxury of a child-free hour or two you are unable to switch off and you can't think of a single thing to say to your partner that doesn't involve talking about the kids. Nobody tells you because you wouldn't believe it; you'd smile indulgently whilst believing yourself a better person, a better parent.


There is just no comparison, no precedent to having children. A friend once told me having a dog was good practice for having a baby. Needless to say he had no prior experience of either. It's nothing like keeping a dog, nor any other animal that I know of. Sure, with a dog you have to think about and attend to its needs from time to time. But for the most part (unless you have a REALLY neurotic dog) he will just be content to lie at your feet/in the corner/ on the sofa and dream of rabbits, whether you're there with him or out shopping.


So sometimes, yes, I do feel cheated. Like I have wholly unknowingly sacrificed the better years of my (and my husband's) life, with no possible redemption. It's as if during that first week of becoming parents, an unseen hand scooped us both up and gently, surreptitiously, placed us down within the confines of a monastery and let it be known that we were to follow the path to sainthood. To give of ourselves completely and utterly and to move beyond the self until the self no longer exists - only our work now speaks of us and who we are, what we have become.


And actually, I'm ok with that. Because it's made (and continues to make) me a better person. Because I've learned to be far less selfish and much more patient. Because I can love unconditionally, even on the days I am tearing my hair out. Because, quite simply, I love them and I love being part of a family.


Balance is the key, and that is the next important lesson for us to learn, as individuals, as a couple, and as a family. It's such a tricky one to get right because the weights on the scales are changing moment to moment, necessitating both saintly patience and calm, a steady hand, a light tread...


Which of course is exactly the opposite of what has been seen in our household this week!