Make a Wish... On Being Me

Pissenlit: Illustration courtesy of PrincesseCamCam

Today I am not a good mamma. I'm feeling tired and frazzled and selfish. Father Earthly is being wonderfully patient and showing baby Earthly no. 1 how to make cookies for grandma and how to blow dandelion clocks whilst I have grumbled constantly about my maternal duties and have been neglectful to the point where I've just found baby Earthly no. 2 chewing on my HMRC employer payslip booklet.


On days like this I really struggle to like who I am. I've come a long way in terms of self-acceptance over the years but still I have days, weeks or months when I wish I was an entirely different person. My shyness - which frequently passes into the anti-social - and my lack of self confidence are traits which I would willingly wish away like the spokes from a dandelion clock.


I often find myself looking at people in the street and imagining them with a different hairstyle, a complete change of wardrobe, a change of demeanor.  It's a game which is so absorbing because as an objective outsider, you can see the endless possibilities for others. In theory I know we can be whoever we want but in practice it's never an easy task. 


I know all this and whilst I've achieved many of my dreams, aspirations, goals, I feel I still cannot change the fundamentals of who I am, and sometimes that really gets me. So, you say, I shouldn't want to change but rather accept who I am. I've tried that too but unfortunately being anti-social is not a very positive trait!


And I worry. Because with my babies I know - in the first I'm already starting to see it - that they're likely to share some of those traits, in one form or another. And my job is to guide them through life in the most positive way possible, allowing them to come to terms with their own shyness but not letting it hold them back... how can I do that if I feel I've failed in my own life?


Our children teach us so much - I'm already learning that lesson. So here's hoping that my kids will teach me to accept myself for who I am and figure out the best path for ME that will lead me to be the best I can be...

Baby Steps: Back into the Fray

Lift one foot, then the other. Add a smug smile ;)

Having just spent the last 36 hours or so intermittently dozing, sleeping, breastfeeding, attempting to entertain mini-me (everyone says she's just like me), dozing and sleeping some more, reading, cleaning up baby sick, breastfeeding some more... I am now emerging like a startled rabbit back into the real world again. Or attempting to, might be a better turn of phrase. In reality my brain still seems to be far off in the depths of mingled, disjointed dreams whilst my body continues onwards into the thrust of everyday life.


I'm not sure what the issue is this year; I (and the family) have been ill more times than in the last few years put together. I suppose 2 years of deprived sleep will do that on it's own, nevermind the myriad other stresses and difficulties.


When I get ill my brain often goes into overdrive during all that sleeping and dozing, so it very rarely ends up being restful sleep. The result is a feeling of bleary fractiousness and despondency where I struggle to deal with the world at large and feel the need to retreat into a dark hole for the rest of my days... The challenge is to to turn around my thoughts before they solidify and stagnate. To anyone else in my position I would say "Get out in the fresh air"; "Go see a friend"; "Do some yoga"; "Bake a tasty treat for yourself" or all of the above. But I am at heart a total hypocrite and all of those things seem as impossible to me right now as putting on a pair of running shoes and going for a jog (with or without mini-me, anyone who knows me knows I am not a runner!).


I have taken much heart today from one of my favourite blogs, Dreaming Aloud. Lucy, who I recently interviewed for the post of Super Woman, has been such an inspiration to me as a mother, creative and all-round sensitive person. Her posts on her "highly sensitive family" have really touched me this week and I hope to take a little of that candid positivity and put it to good use - for myself, for my own family, and for the little bubble that is my world, and all inside it.


One day I may break out of the bubble and spread the goodness both near and far. But for now baby steps are very much the order of the day.