Burnt Out and Broken from Breastfeeding: One Gentle Method for Survival

I wrote this post a few months back when Father Earthly and I were rolling blearily from one sleepless night to the next, while I became more and more touched-out by constant feedings and girl Earthly's need to be near me 24/7. The sleep starvation and general ill-health that I was suffering made me extremely reactive to her need for closeness and it became quickly apparent that we needed to break the cycle of hourly feedings and wakings before it seriously affected my relationship with her. This is how we went about it: I hope this may help some other poor tired mammas (and papas!) out there.

***

Breastfeeding

As readers of my pages know, we have been really struggling with night-times the last few months. Our littlest munchkin has gone from being an almost-perfect sleeper (going to bed at bedtime, no-fuss, and waking a few times a night for feeds but going straight back to sleep afterwards in her hammock) to a complete insomniac. I wrote a while back about a technique we tried with her which worked for a while where we both put her to bed at night together - so she felt secure in the knowledge that neither one of us was missing. 


Sadly, that has since stopped working! And so followed more months of torturous nights where girlie would take hours to get to sleep, typically involving several attempts by both and/or each of us in turn to soothe her, only to wake up again every hour or so. By 2-3am she would no longer settle back down at all and basically kept us until 5am, at which point she decided once and for all it was time to get up! I'm sure you can see the problem...


I did not want to night-wean but by now I was a wreck and so touched out I didn't even want to be near her. And that feeling was spilling over into the day as well. If things went on any longer the way they had been I was in serious danger of inadvertently weaning her completely.


So we devised a plan whereby Father Earthly was to take her whenever she woke - away from me and into another room if needed. We had tried this with girlie about a month beforehand but it really hadn't worked - she just wouldn't settle with her Dad at all.


The Magical 9 Month Mark
It's said that by 9 months, baby is becoming much more independent and beginning to release herself from her maternal ties. Most babies by now have learned to crawl, cruise or walk, and move in all kinds of interesting and terrifying ways; can eat copious amounts of a wide variety of foodstuffs by themselves; babble away to whoever will listen (including themselves), and are generally pretty fascinated by life. Of course, while they're learning all this they can naturally become regularly frustrated as well as deciding they'd rather practice their new found skills than sleep when you'd like them to!


But by 9 months, quite often they have settled into their new-found freedom a little, and it's a good opportunity to try and get them back into some kind of routine. We decided to do things as gently as we could under the circumstances. Father Earthly put her to bed after a last feed from me, and we agreed that he would sleep in the next room so that when girlie awoke I could take her straight through to him, rather than waiting for him to rouse himself enough to move (by which point girlie would be well and truly awake!).


And so, at the point in the night when missy Earthly would no longer settle with me (currently about 2am), I'd take her through to her Dad and he'd settle her for the rest of the night.


To our utmost astonishment and gratitude, it worked like a dream. No longer distracted by the smell of milk and mummy-ness, she settled quickly (most of the time) with Father Earthly and without fuss. Not only that, but for the first time, she has taken to typically sleeping through between around 8pm and 4am. Incredible, given that previously she had been waking almost every hour for a feed.


To every attached mummy, I know what you must be thinking - that poor girlie is literally being severed from her natural and instinctual berth beside me and that her sleep is in fact a plaintive denial of my abandonment of her. Or is that just my innate motherly guilt talking?


Equally though, I do not think for a moment that we "spoilt" her with our co-sleeping or regular feedings. It was clear from our previous attempts that she was not ready to leave the nest, and that she really would have been distraught without me close by. Of course, this is a call every mother has to make at some point - and we all choose our times based upon our own circumstances and our own unique babies - but I do believe that 9 months is an excellent marker for such a change given their broadening outlook and intrigue in the world at large.


Whilst practicing this new regime, I realised another blessing which I never thought possible. I found I loved slipping into bed next to her at night again (she'd outgrown her hammock and would not move into her cot, so for the time being she slept on top of our bed, in Father Earthly's space), just us girls together. With the extra space afforded us and the slight separation of blankets, I found I could enjoy her closeness without feeling trapped or hounded. It felt so very special and has really helped to heal the strained bond between us.


There are drawbacks to this method of course. Most importantly, there have been no nightly adult Earthly cuddles and that has on the whole put a bit of a strain on our relationship - often the only time we really get together just now is last thing at night as we're falling asleep. Secondly, having to physically get up and move her down the boat in the night rather than just rolling over and feeding her, means I wake up fully and then lie awake listening anxiously as Father Earthly attempts to settle her. Often he and his girl will be snoring away long before I've managed to drop back off! Thirdly, she still likes to wake properly by 5am, and as Father Earthly leaves for work about 6.15am, this means I am obliged to take over ;-/


Last of all, finally getting more sleep actually makes you more tired in the short-run as your body starts to refill its sleep bank. But know this: it will pass, and you will feel better!


About 2 months on, girl Earthly has transitioned to her cot. She self-settles (after a bit of a fuss) and usually sleeps through between 7pm and 5am, at which point she believes it's time for breakfast ;)

Unearthing the Child Within

I wrote this post originally for the September Carnival of Natural Parenting - on the role of play in diffusing "situations" with your little ones. Due to a variety of circumstances I didn't get the post up in time, but I'd like to share it now, as a timely reminder of the importance of "play" in ALL our lives and not just for the benefit of the young 'uns.

----

Tea Party for One

A few weeks ago Father Earthly and I were having a pretty major spat over everything and nothing in particular. Months of sleep starvation combined with a multitude of other stresses, from financial to social, resulted in the Mother of all arguments - the likes of which have not been seen in the Earthly household for some 6 years or so.

Each of us had retreated into our own little worlds, silent and seething, whilst the kids became ever-more subdued in their playing in the next room ('room' being given here with artistic licence as we have an open plan boat!). Feeling utterly wretched, I removed myself to the 'bathroom', where I sat on the toilet and cried quietly to myself. The next thing I know, boy Earthly has arrived by my side, carrying a cup from his new tea set, which he offers out to me and gently (and so very cutely) asks for a cuddle whilst wrapping his arms round me.

After our cuddle and cup of play tea, he toddled off into the next room and announced to his dad: "Mummy's crying". He likes to repeat phrases so Father Earthly had it well and truly drummed into him that I was sobbing my heart out in the next room, before he changed tack with the normal lightning toddler-speed and embarked on his next mission, which was to find Thomas (the train).

We can learn so much from our kids, if we allow them to teach us. By the time we'd found Thomas, all was well again in the Earthly household and I felt truly and thoroughly warmed by my cup of tea and cuddle :-)

Baby Steps: Back into the Fray

Lift one foot, then the other. Add a smug smile ;)

Having just spent the last 36 hours or so intermittently dozing, sleeping, breastfeeding, attempting to entertain mini-me (everyone says she's just like me), dozing and sleeping some more, reading, cleaning up baby sick, breastfeeding some more... I am now emerging like a startled rabbit back into the real world again. Or attempting to, might be a better turn of phrase. In reality my brain still seems to be far off in the depths of mingled, disjointed dreams whilst my body continues onwards into the thrust of everyday life.


I'm not sure what the issue is this year; I (and the family) have been ill more times than in the last few years put together. I suppose 2 years of deprived sleep will do that on it's own, nevermind the myriad other stresses and difficulties.


When I get ill my brain often goes into overdrive during all that sleeping and dozing, so it very rarely ends up being restful sleep. The result is a feeling of bleary fractiousness and despondency where I struggle to deal with the world at large and feel the need to retreat into a dark hole for the rest of my days... The challenge is to to turn around my thoughts before they solidify and stagnate. To anyone else in my position I would say "Get out in the fresh air"; "Go see a friend"; "Do some yoga"; "Bake a tasty treat for yourself" or all of the above. But I am at heart a total hypocrite and all of those things seem as impossible to me right now as putting on a pair of running shoes and going for a jog (with or without mini-me, anyone who knows me knows I am not a runner!).


I have taken much heart today from one of my favourite blogs, Dreaming Aloud. Lucy, who I recently interviewed for the post of Super Woman, has been such an inspiration to me as a mother, creative and all-round sensitive person. Her posts on her "highly sensitive family" have really touched me this week and I hope to take a little of that candid positivity and put it to good use - for myself, for my own family, and for the little bubble that is my world, and all inside it.


One day I may break out of the bubble and spread the goodness both near and far. But for now baby steps are very much the order of the day.

Taking Charge and Feeling Revived

For the last year or so and in particular the past 6 months I have been physically, mentally and emotionally knackered. Exhausted, fatigued, pooped. Many are the reasons, not least that we had one small child 18 months ago and have recently added another. But I've been seriously so knackered I've considered all sorts - drugs, therapies, counselling... you name it. My pride has prevented me from going down any of these routes and in the end it has been the resolve to lose my baby-weight that has done the trick. Within a couple of weeks of eating more raw foods, cutting out bread and most wheat products and drastically reducing dairy and limiting treats significantly as well as drinking copious quantities of green tea and water, I already feel hugely energised and more mentally alert, positive and confident. I wouldn't have believed it possible.

Increasingly over the last few years I have started to believe in taking charge of my own health rather than tripping off to the doctor every time something seems amiss. This has not always been an easy road - far from it - but it seems to work for me on the whole. My biggest hurdle has been depression, not least over the last year or so whilst coping with the many and varied new responsibilities and demands of motherhood, coupled with another pregnancy (nevermind the hardships of living on a half-built canal boat in Winter with a toddler!). Whilst pregnant I was offered referral to NHS help, should I want it. I didn't. I know that I am the only one who can successfully manage my depression - drugs only numb and confuse and therapies make me dwell on the problem(s). My way of dealing with it has to be just to take the good days and the bad together, and get on with things as much as I can.

I do feel that as a society we must take more responsibility for ourselves, particularly in terms of our health. Empowerment is the key. Talk to any woman who has had a beautiful, natural home-birth and she will mention the enormous feeling of achievement and empowerment. The same goes for our general health. If we continue to defer our healthcare to those who hold no personal knowledge of us and whose expertise is heavily sponsored by the most dominant drug companies, how can we have confidence that we are finding the best solutions for ourselves? As a result we end up feeling belittled, insignificant, lost, and our healthcare issues go largely unresolved. We all have choices when it comes to caring for our own health, and I implore you to use them. Nobody can know you and your own unique health issues better than yourself, much like you know what kind of foods you like best, or which types of exercise you're most suited to. So go on, take charge and find the healthiest you you can!