Burnt Out and Broken from Breastfeeding: One Gentle Method for Survival

I wrote this post a few months back when Father Earthly and I were rolling blearily from one sleepless night to the next, while I became more and more touched-out by constant feedings and girl Earthly's need to be near me 24/7. The sleep starvation and general ill-health that I was suffering made me extremely reactive to her need for closeness and it became quickly apparent that we needed to break the cycle of hourly feedings and wakings before it seriously affected my relationship with her. This is how we went about it: I hope this may help some other poor tired mammas (and papas!) out there.

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Breastfeeding

As readers of my pages know, we have been really struggling with night-times the last few months. Our littlest munchkin has gone from being an almost-perfect sleeper (going to bed at bedtime, no-fuss, and waking a few times a night for feeds but going straight back to sleep afterwards in her hammock) to a complete insomniac. I wrote a while back about a technique we tried with her which worked for a while where we both put her to bed at night together - so she felt secure in the knowledge that neither one of us was missing. 


Sadly, that has since stopped working! And so followed more months of torturous nights where girlie would take hours to get to sleep, typically involving several attempts by both and/or each of us in turn to soothe her, only to wake up again every hour or so. By 2-3am she would no longer settle back down at all and basically kept us until 5am, at which point she decided once and for all it was time to get up! I'm sure you can see the problem...


I did not want to night-wean but by now I was a wreck and so touched out I didn't even want to be near her. And that feeling was spilling over into the day as well. If things went on any longer the way they had been I was in serious danger of inadvertently weaning her completely.


So we devised a plan whereby Father Earthly was to take her whenever she woke - away from me and into another room if needed. We had tried this with girlie about a month beforehand but it really hadn't worked - she just wouldn't settle with her Dad at all.


The Magical 9 Month Mark
It's said that by 9 months, baby is becoming much more independent and beginning to release herself from her maternal ties. Most babies by now have learned to crawl, cruise or walk, and move in all kinds of interesting and terrifying ways; can eat copious amounts of a wide variety of foodstuffs by themselves; babble away to whoever will listen (including themselves), and are generally pretty fascinated by life. Of course, while they're learning all this they can naturally become regularly frustrated as well as deciding they'd rather practice their new found skills than sleep when you'd like them to!


But by 9 months, quite often they have settled into their new-found freedom a little, and it's a good opportunity to try and get them back into some kind of routine. We decided to do things as gently as we could under the circumstances. Father Earthly put her to bed after a last feed from me, and we agreed that he would sleep in the next room so that when girlie awoke I could take her straight through to him, rather than waiting for him to rouse himself enough to move (by which point girlie would be well and truly awake!).


And so, at the point in the night when missy Earthly would no longer settle with me (currently about 2am), I'd take her through to her Dad and he'd settle her for the rest of the night.


To our utmost astonishment and gratitude, it worked like a dream. No longer distracted by the smell of milk and mummy-ness, she settled quickly (most of the time) with Father Earthly and without fuss. Not only that, but for the first time, she has taken to typically sleeping through between around 8pm and 4am. Incredible, given that previously she had been waking almost every hour for a feed.


To every attached mummy, I know what you must be thinking - that poor girlie is literally being severed from her natural and instinctual berth beside me and that her sleep is in fact a plaintive denial of my abandonment of her. Or is that just my innate motherly guilt talking?


Equally though, I do not think for a moment that we "spoilt" her with our co-sleeping or regular feedings. It was clear from our previous attempts that she was not ready to leave the nest, and that she really would have been distraught without me close by. Of course, this is a call every mother has to make at some point - and we all choose our times based upon our own circumstances and our own unique babies - but I do believe that 9 months is an excellent marker for such a change given their broadening outlook and intrigue in the world at large.


Whilst practicing this new regime, I realised another blessing which I never thought possible. I found I loved slipping into bed next to her at night again (she'd outgrown her hammock and would not move into her cot, so for the time being she slept on top of our bed, in Father Earthly's space), just us girls together. With the extra space afforded us and the slight separation of blankets, I found I could enjoy her closeness without feeling trapped or hounded. It felt so very special and has really helped to heal the strained bond between us.


There are drawbacks to this method of course. Most importantly, there have been no nightly adult Earthly cuddles and that has on the whole put a bit of a strain on our relationship - often the only time we really get together just now is last thing at night as we're falling asleep. Secondly, having to physically get up and move her down the boat in the night rather than just rolling over and feeding her, means I wake up fully and then lie awake listening anxiously as Father Earthly attempts to settle her. Often he and his girl will be snoring away long before I've managed to drop back off! Thirdly, she still likes to wake properly by 5am, and as Father Earthly leaves for work about 6.15am, this means I am obliged to take over ;-/


Last of all, finally getting more sleep actually makes you more tired in the short-run as your body starts to refill its sleep bank. But know this: it will pass, and you will feel better!


About 2 months on, girl Earthly has transitioned to her cot. She self-settles (after a bit of a fuss) and usually sleeps through between 7pm and 5am, at which point she believes it's time for breakfast ;)

Sleeping Through

When our newest addition was born, we hardly dared expect anything good on the sleep front, given that our firstborn had been something of a "waker" rather than a "sleeper" - on average waking every 2-3 hours after screaming himself to sleep (despite every effort to the contrary), and at his/our worst, waking every hour. He became a bit of a legend around our local baby groups, and other mothers would shake their heads pityingly after giving me some "helpful" advice. 


So when Molly appeared to be sleeping well - often several hours in a row - during the first few weeks, we were far from complacent. Hopeful! But not complacent.


But not only did she keep up her pattern of sleeping (with the odd bad night as is normal), she actually improved upon it - very quickly learning when it was night-time and managing to sleep an incredible 6-8 hours in a row. I was worried at first. Nothing like this had happened with Harris until he was about a year old!


A few weeks ago I noticed that she was often falling asleep around about our dinner time, so I started to put her into her bed. Miracle of marvels, 9 time out of 10 she stayed asleep until the small hours! So, taking my cue from her, I have recently started to put her to bed before dinner, whether she seems ready or not. And oh my goodness it works! NOW I can understand all that well-meaning advice I received when we had Harris. The only problem was, they didn't know my son! My daughter, on the other hand, seems to like sleeping almost as much as I do, and usually only needs a little encouragement.


There is one drawback to all this though. While Molly is sleeping her 6-8 hours peacefully and beautifully, and we are getting some quality adult time to ourselves - even eating dinner together and enjoying a game or some adult conversation - it does mean that by the time we go to bed she is almost ready for her first feed. And thereafter she will wake every 2-3 hours again until breakfast. So in a sense I'm not actually getting any more sleep than I was with Harris!


Also, for some reason she still hasn't quite cracked naptime. While she will quite voluntarily fall asleep in transit or on the boob, unfortunately she just won't be put down for a nap in any structured way. This means if I'm at home I'm permanently attached to her in one way or another, or I have to listen to her screaming her heart out until she falls asleep in her hammock. Utterly heart renching and not at all what I want, but if I'm to preserve my sanity what else can I do? Sometimes I manage to transfer her quietly from my arms into her bed but more often than not she will wake within a few minutes and demand to be held again.


And so whilst I can revel in the luxury of finally getting to enjoy that great holy grail of all new mums, I am also quite heartened to find that "sleeping through" is just another perfectly ordinary possibility - warts and all - in the unpredictable life of a newborn.