Unearthing the Child Within

I wrote this post originally for the September Carnival of Natural Parenting - on the role of play in diffusing "situations" with your little ones. Due to a variety of circumstances I didn't get the post up in time, but I'd like to share it now, as a timely reminder of the importance of "play" in ALL our lives and not just for the benefit of the young 'uns.

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Tea Party for One

A few weeks ago Father Earthly and I were having a pretty major spat over everything and nothing in particular. Months of sleep starvation combined with a multitude of other stresses, from financial to social, resulted in the Mother of all arguments - the likes of which have not been seen in the Earthly household for some 6 years or so.

Each of us had retreated into our own little worlds, silent and seething, whilst the kids became ever-more subdued in their playing in the next room ('room' being given here with artistic licence as we have an open plan boat!). Feeling utterly wretched, I removed myself to the 'bathroom', where I sat on the toilet and cried quietly to myself. The next thing I know, boy Earthly has arrived by my side, carrying a cup from his new tea set, which he offers out to me and gently (and so very cutely) asks for a cuddle whilst wrapping his arms round me.

After our cuddle and cup of play tea, he toddled off into the next room and announced to his dad: "Mummy's crying". He likes to repeat phrases so Father Earthly had it well and truly drummed into him that I was sobbing my heart out in the next room, before he changed tack with the normal lightning toddler-speed and embarked on his next mission, which was to find Thomas (the train).

We can learn so much from our kids, if we allow them to teach us. By the time we'd found Thomas, all was well again in the Earthly household and I felt truly and thoroughly warmed by my cup of tea and cuddle :-)

Gentle Sleep Solutions: It Takes Two Baby

Friday evening, 7.30pm and I have an aloe vera face mask on and my toenails painted. Girl Earthly is asleep in bed. Should I hold my breath? We shall just have to wait and see!


So what was the Last Great Gentle Sleep Solution? It was in fact Father Earthly's idea. I blame the fact I'm so sleep addled and wretched I couldn't think my way out of a chocolate factory at the moment (would I want to? I don't know...). That's not to say he isn't sleep addled too, but at least he doesn't have to get up and breastfeed in the middle of the night. Are you ready? Have you tried everything else and can think of nothing left in your gentle armoury? Are you pretty much ready to throw baby out of the window in an attempt just to get some god-danged sleep?


Well, try one last thing please. I think it may just have worked for us, and I'll certainly keep you posted. If you're a two-parent family, what does the other half do while you put baby to bed? Make dinner? Watch TV? For us, it has been a case of Dad puts boy Earthly to bed and I try and put Girl Earthly to bed. Until the last few months, this has worked. If you read my last post, you'll know it hasn't worked for some time now! What if... what if both of you try? Not individually in shifts, but at the same time...?


It suddenly makes so much sense to me now. Baby is at that stage where she is beginning to realise Dad is an important figure in her life too, though she's still very attached to Mummy of course. So while she really wants Mummy, she's not keen on Dad disappearing either. Think about it: her life revolves around us and when one of us disappears she naturally frets. When will she see us again? Are we gone forever? How can she sleep if she's fretting about that possibility?


Tonight there was no screaming or crying (from anyone). We just both lay down with her and soothed her together. At one point Father Earthly had to go and check on boy Earthly, and immediately girlie started to wriggle and squirm and become very unsettled. When he returned, she calmed down again and within minutes she was asleep on Father Earthly's chest, sound in the knowledge that I was also nearby.


So there you have it. It might seem OTT, but when it reduces the household fractiousness and bedtime ritual to something so much saner again, I am ALL for it.


Has anyone else tried this? If you're having sleep issues, I urge you to give it a go. What more nurturing, holistic, family-oriented and peaceful way could there be?

I want my Mummy: When Dad Just Won't Do

Love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation ~ Kahlil Gibran

The last few months have been tough with girl Earthly, really, really tough. What we thought must be a short phase of physical discomfort has extended to weeks and weeks of traumatic bedtimes, sleepless nights, and too-early mornings. I have been scouring my memories of boy Earthly's babyhood for a glimmer of something similar, but they were such different babies that it is difficult to compare. 


I think at the time, we just got through it (somehow) and then forgot all about it. But I do remember now that we had real problems getting boy Earthly to "attach" to his Dad. He just wanted me, ALL the time. Of course, I have the boobs and therefore I hold the prime comforting tool. Typically this made Father Earthly quite distraught; he wanted to help, to give me a break, and to bond with his son. But his son didn't appear to be interested!


The same is happening with girl Earthly. Except it actually seems worse, somehow. We've always known she is more easy going than her bro, until the point when she gets cross and then she blows it. So while her brother always seemed pretty grumpy, girl Earthly goes from nought to sixty in about 2 seconds. And Father Earthly is currently having to bear the brunt of that...


Perhaps I'm looking in the wrong places but I just can't find much helpful information on this kind of separation anxiety: all the advice typically deals with separation from both parents, not one or other. And it's not like our babies never get to see Dad - he is around and physically 'there' for them far more than most I would say. I wonder if the problem is related to breastfeeding, but browsing some forums I've read that some mothers have had a similar issue with formula-fed babes. 


So what's going on? And why is there such a lack of information on the subject? All of the stuff I've read on separation anxiety talks about the separation from those who are familiar (i.e. parents) and the anxiety shown amongst strangers. Well, both my babies have always turned winning smiles upon strangers and really don't have a problem being held by friends and other members of the family. But they don't like to see me disappear. 


Currently, our nights go like this:

1. Bedtime for both kids. Boy Earthly goes without a fuss. Girl Earthly has a last feed and I try to get her to wind down. Sometimes I just try and cuddle her until she falls asleep, at which point I stick my pinky (if needed) in her mouth and try to place her down on the bed.

2. Girl Earthly knows what is happening and fusses. She wakes up fully and starts to cry. At this point I've tried everything, from rocking and singing to passing her over to Father Earthly, and in some moments of exhaustion, simply leaving her to see if she'll self-settle. NOTHING WORKS.

3. It's now well past dinner time and we've been trying to get her to sleep for about 2 hours. If we leave her she cries like a banshee. If we try and comfort her in any way, she cries like a banshee. We take it in turns but Dad struggles more than I do because she just wants me. With me however, she decides it's time to play and "isn't this jolly mummy? Just you and me, we could have a party!!" I get cross and hand her back to Dad. After some time, both of them fall asleep.

4. If we can both still be bothered, we have dinner between 9-10pm, try to relax for an hour and then fall into bed. Otherwise we just fall into bed - knowing it's the best sleep we'll get all night.

5. Girl Earthly wakes up any time between 10 and 12. I feed her and usually manage to get her to go back to sleep, though rarely in her cot or hammock any more.

6. Father Earthly and I have started sleeping separately, as girlie was fussing and wriggling all night long, pushing me out of bed whilst trying to get closer and closer to me, but never settling. Now he takes her until she wakes for a feed. I feed her and leave them again.

7. After every night feed girl Earthly wants to stay with me and hates to see me go. She fusses with Dad for a while, but will usually eventually get back to sleep.

8. At around 5 or 6am, she awakes and won't go back to sleep. Often she will fuss and cry for an hour or two until her brother wakes up, at which point she almost always settles and goes back to sleep for another few hours - all by herself! This is both infuriating and a relief.

And all this after months of simply settling her, putting her in her hammock, and having her wake a few times for a feed but going straight back to sleep (in her hammock) and not waking until 8am or so.


The last few weeks have involved all kinds of measures in a vain attempt to relieve the situation. Father Earthly has taken her on many a drive in the middle of the night, and ended up sleeping in a car park somewhere for a few hours. I've also tried having her on my own all night, thinking she just needed more of me, but to no avail - neither of us slept. Father Earthly has tried taking her on his own too - we tried this with boy Earthly when we had a similar problem and it worked. It didn't this time!


Have any of you experienced this form of maternal separation anxiety? How did you cope and did you ever figure out the causes?

The Crying Game

Cry Babies

I have written here many times before about my bond to "attached" parenting, and it's true - every fibre of my being strives towards it. And as part of that philosophy I absolutely cannot allow my babies to "cry it out". But, I confess, I am only human, and my human mama body will only cope with so much. This is the confession of an "attached" mama who does not always stand by her principles as firmly as she wishes or as much as she evangelises.


We learned with our first, boy Earthly, that we just had to let him cry sometimes. Because he cried ALL the time - that's just who he was. And as much as we would try and comfort him and rock him, sing to him, stick him on the boob endlessly, oh and all the other little tricks that you pick up rapidly as new parents - he often still just needed to cry himself to sleep. We used to worry that he was in terrible pain (and indeed blamed the first three months to colic, and thereafter teething), but soon realised that it was just his way. Just as he would never fall asleep on his back - if he wasn't asleep before going in his hammock we had to put him down on the bed on his front, and stroke his back until he settled. And yes, we felt like terrible parents, because we are told as a society that tummy sleeping is wrong and your baby will die. What they don't tell you is that some babies much prefer to sleep on their tummies - like some adults - and it's also a relief for colic.


With girl Earthly, I am reliving the pain of having to let her cry sometimes. It's not a decision I have made, and it's certainly not something I feel at all wonderful about. Ordinarily I wake up the second baby starts to whimper, sometimes even just before. But I confess that there have been occasions where I have been so exhausted that my senses have not roused until mid-wail, and by the time I've dragged my weary parts together enough to pick baby up, she has been screaming her lungs out for some few minutes. At other times I've actually fallen asleep while she continued to cry, my arm encircling her in a pathetically feeble attempt at comfort.


My mum said to me whilst on holiday that "you don't need to run to them the moment they start to cry", and whilst I disagree with her fundamental meaning, in other ways she's right. We've learned that our babies will often cry a little - sometimes even copiously - when self-settling. In fact they can sound horrendously upset for 2 whole minutes before completely zonking out. It's heart-renching and emotionally and physically exhausting, but necessary. If we interrupt and attempt to soothe, the wails become hysterical and we simply prolong the agony for all of us. Equally, when one starts to wake and whimper, I will listen intently for a few moments to determine whether I am actually needed. Tensed, senses sharpened, I await the change in tone from slightly disgruntled/discomfited to the beginnings of distress. At that point I sigh, my shoulders droop, and I stir my limbs from the warm bed for the nth time that night.


I read a wonderful blog post a little while ago, by Alternative Mama, entitled "Crying it Out vs Allowing Crying - A Big Difference". I urge you all to head over there and read it NOW (and browse her vast archives of other mother-worldly experience and take on natural parenting). She explains much more eloquently than I can right now, just what I struggled with:

"I always felt like, as an attached parent, I had to ignore my own needs. I was trying to pull patience and energy out of the bag when I had none to give, and therefore was feeling like an utter failure as a mother. I felt like I was missing something that the other gentle mothers had all discovered. However, there is no way to summon energy when you have none. You simply cannot give when there is nothing left. Despite what many online parenting communities would have me believe, I am not a bad mother for needing to get some god-damned sleep."

On reading this, all the guilt and feelings of failure I felt at allowing my babies to cry at times, melted away. And she reiterated what we had already discovered about recognising different types of cry, and determining what those different cries required from us. Often it was some kind of comfort, or a mixture of comfort and food/change/burping etc. But sometimes, we knew that we just had to leave baby alone to cry for a short period. After months and months of agonising and hair tearing and floods of tears, the relief just washed over us.


Help break the great taboos of parenting: join in and share this post and those below as part of Lucy's Blogging Carnival of Emotions:

• Knowing Anger, by Rachael at The Variegated Life
• PND, by Laura at Nestled Under Rainbows
• Isolation: Knowing You are Not Alone, by The New Mommy Files
• It's Not All Bloody, by Earthenwitch
• The White Heat of Mama Anger and Is the Silencing of Mama Anger a Feminist Issue, by Lucy at Dreaming Aloud
• Mama Rage, by Apron Stringz
• Forgetting Connection, by Code Name Mama